A Day at the Races

I went on a date today. I asked him to plan it, and he chose the the horse racing track near our homes. He cooked and brought our picnic lunch, and we spent five hours in the sun enjoying the food and the weather and the drinks and the conversation.

I enjoyed myself. :)

He texted me afterwards. He is interested in seeing me again, and I would enjoy that. Although I am not ready for a relationship, I do like having someone treat me like a lady and call me arm candy LOL.

Moving on. I don't know how to do it but, just by going out and enjoying my life, I *am* doing it. No more sitting around the house feeling sad and wistful. I may feel those feelings, but I will be out and about as much as I can so that life does not pass me by while I am letting go. I have been blessed once again to discover new friends who want to engage in fun activities, like the lunch and craft fair and winery tour & tasting that we did yesterday. I am going to take advantage of my opportunities to enjoy and explore even while I struggle with my emotions. I find that I do not focus on them when I am focusing on the happenings around me. I feel happiness and connection instead.

On the weight loss front, I lost 0.8 pounds this week. I consider that a win. I have to lose 0.4 pounds by Wednesday to win the Dietbet challenge I have entered. That is going to be a big challenge, but I will give it my best. Wish me luck!

Overall, I am down 15 pounds since January 15th, and I plan to continue the downward trend.

Living with Ghosts

I am having a rough day. Truth be told, it has been a rough month. Tonight I am sad, and I am not sure how to move through it.

Two years ago tonight, I had my first date with my ex-boyfriend. What followed was almost two years of ups and downs, and very extreme ones at that considering that the bulk of the second year revolved around his Stage III cancer treatment, which made me his sole caretaker.

I left that relationship for many unresolvable reasons almost three months ago, but I am still struggling with its loss. Although it no longer made me happy, I still miss him. Especially tonight. I remember the early days when I was so filled with hope and happiness. I wish that we could start all over again from scratch, but know in my heart that it would not change the outcome because we are not meant for each other.

I have been able to manage these strong emotional tides predominantly without using food to soothe myself. Saturday night was bad and I had a full-on candy binge, but I made sure it was a slip and not a slide. It certainly did not help me feel any better. It only took me a step back from my goals for my health and my body, and made me feel bad about ANOTHER choice in addition to the one I was really mourning.

I am haunted by his ghost this month. Although he is alive and well, his presence is strong with all of the milestones this month. First dates, moving in, chemotherapy starting, anniversaries, so many good and bad and now sad memories. I am really trying to let myself feel them instead of running away from my feelings. I want to work through them and move past this and find the strength to start again when I am ready.

And I want to do this without sabotaging my other goals and desires. I want to be healthy on all levels. I just thought it would all be easier, and it is proving to be so very hard.

The Scale is Not Enough

I am wrapping up my second week of lifestyle transition. People are commenting on the changes in my body, and I am noticing them by the fit of my clothes, but the scale has barely budged in the last week. The first week my weight dropped by over four pounds, but this week less than a pound. This week, however, my body looks smaller and my clothes are getting loose. The scale is not enough to measure the true changes.

My focus is on losing enough to win the Dietbet that I am in, which means that I have 16 days left to lose 2.6 pounds and that is achievable. But above that, I am focusing on losing body fat and building muscle. I am still trying to get at least 30 minutes of cardio in per day, mostly via walking, but have put the emphasis in my spare time on resistance training. And I can see results from this already.

The scale cannot measure everything that is changing for the positive with my body. I have been far too focused on the scale throughout my life. After the Dietbet, I am going to use it less often because I can now see that it does not tell the whole story.

I feel good, my clothes fit better, and I look slimmer. Those are better measures for me for now.

Lighter

That's my descriptive word for the last week. My mood is lighter, the skies are lighter, and the scale finds me lighter. All of those are good developments!

I am settling back into my own space and my own life. Although I still think about my ex-boyfriend, I do not long to be back in the relationship the way that it was but instead allow the mourning of what I had wished it would be but was not. I am also analyzing it to build a vision of what will make me happy in a future romantic relationship. I am refining my vision for a happy future.

The weather has been somewhat brighter here, too, and I was able to enjoy a lovely weekend complete with a long neighborhood walk with my mother and a photography walk through the forest with my daughter. The sunlight and warmer weather have me looking forward to late Spring and Summer activities with a smile.

And my weight is going down, too! I lost almost 5 pounds so far this month, and am down 12 pounds since after the holidays. It is motivating me to keep going with exercise and moderated eating, and I am in the flow right now which feels wonderful.

I am signing off to enjoy a glass of red wine and an episode of Sons of Anarchy. Such a great way to wrap up a wonderful weekend!

Dietbet

Yep, I joined my first Dietbet! The premise is that you put a certain dollars amount into the pot of a challenge at www.dietbet.com and, if you lose 4% of your body weight in the time allotted, you split the pot with all of the people in the challenge who do the same. I put in $25, and the pot is now up to $3100... I'm giving it my best shot!

I am still working a cold out of my system four weeks after I got sick, and am now able to exercise well again. I have been getting up at 5:00am to walk for 30 minutes on the treadmill, so there is action on that front.

I cancelled cable a week and a half ago, and we have been exploring Netflix and doing free trials of Hulu Plus and Amazon Prime. So far, so good... although I am having an attic antenna installed so that we can get air channels and thus I can see the news from time to time. Goodbye huge cable bill!

Things are going well with my therapist. We are digging deep now, and there are a lot of things that I need to resolve with myself. I am pulling myself out of the dating scene for the foreseeable future because I want to take care of my own stuff for awhile before I mix it with someone else's stuff.

Things are generally good. I am living more in the present, am setting better and healthier boundaries, and am loving the ones who love me in both action AND word. I still have blue times, as do most, but I feel like things are moving in the right direction again. Towards the light.

Harden My Heart

That is my anthem right now. I even downloaded the song from iTunes to reinforce the need when sadness strikes.

I have been feeling disappointed lately. Disappointed about how things turned out with my ex. Disappointed that people whom I considered my friends have behaved in ways that are not considerate. Disappointed that I still care about people who do not treat me well.

It is time for me to set boundaries regarding the way that I let others treat me. As hard as it may be for me to do, since I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, I am no longer letting people who treat me disrespectfully keep residence in my heart. I am learning how to let go, no matter how important I feel they may have been to me.

A little hardness will do my heart and my psyche good.

Passing Through Kalamazoo

I am on an Amtrak train right now, on my way to visit friends in Michigan. We are currently stopped at the Kalamazoo station, almost halfway through the trip.

I am enjoying the ride. Mostly I am enjoying the fact that I get to visit my friends without having to drive! Although I absolutely adore my new car, I am not a big fan of driving in general and avoid it whenever possible. :)

I have a sunny window seat from which to enjoy the view. I have done some reading, listened to a few podcasts, answered emails and texts, and even dozed off for a few minutes. Thank goodness I had the foresight to buy some healthy snacks at CVS before getting on the train because the selection here is both expensive and unhealthy!

I am so excited about this weekend. When I undertook my plan to rebuild my own life earlier this year, even before I left the relationship with ex-BF, I tried to remember the last time that I was truly happy. And that was when I was with these friends: Betsy and Mike, Donna and Marty, and Nick. And now we are adding Nick's fiancée to the picture, and I am thrilled to meet her. Just this morning I found out that Anita and Den are going to join us, so it feels like a fabulous homecoming.

My life has held so many ups and downs lately. So many challenges and confusion, and so much doubt and fear and sadness. But it is with my friends that I find joy. This is a weekend for joy and love.

I feel blessed that my friends have been there for me even after I dropped out of sight for the last two years for a codependent relationship. I am lucky. And I am even building new and deeper friendships with other people, too, so the loss of one relationship has the net result of being a relationship gain in my life.

This tells me that it was time to close that door because other ones have remained open and I have opened new doors, too. I plan on enjoying all of these opportunities!

Wagons

Yep, I fell off a few.

Since I got sick last Sunday, I have not exercised. I'm still trying to get this cold out of my lungs.

No meditations this week. And I miss it, so time to forget about catching up and just pick it back up where it is now.

I have eaten to my desire the last two days. Nothing crazy, but certainly not at weight loss levels.

But it is all okay. I am feeling happy!

Yes, the new car (did I say ZOOM ZOOM yet???) is making me feel extra special, but it is more than that. I feel like I have surfaced from the depression that overwhelmed me since I became single again. I still have my moments... even had a few today... but they pass.

Truth be told, I went on a date tonight. And I had a great time!!! We talked and talked and talked, and could have talked for hours more. I left with a big smile. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Not sure that it can ever become serious because he is deathly allergic to cats while I have five cats that are a huge part of my world, but I really enjoy his company. I did not expect to be able to do this so soon, but I did and we shall see what happens. Life is funny like that.

Tomorrow is Easter, and then Monday I am back to real life and my routine again. I made some good Easter basket choices for DD by buying small packs of treats for her instead of the big bags that I know would end up in MY belly because they are my favorites. I also leaned towards the toy area instead of candy. I want to move downward on that scale!!!

To all who celebrate, I wish you a Happy Easter!

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

I'm sitting on the couch with the cats, watching crappy TV while my clothes are in the washer. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I have a big old cold brewing in me. :(

This weekend was wonderful. Starting with my Thursday night hair appointment (which is always fun because I love the ladies who work at the salon), I have had a very social weekend and am feeling like my old self again.

Friday I met a girlfriend out in the city for dinner and drinks. We were out very late, and I ended up talking with a nice man at the bar for a couple of hours. It was good to be out again after all of the drama of this past year, and it made me happy that I could talk to guys again without feeling uncomfortable and awkward.

Saturday I planned to test drive some cars with my mom and, very surprisingly and wonderfully, my brother decided to join us. We test drove the Hyundai Tucson (which was my first choice), the Honda CRV, and the Mazda CX 5. I felt really comfortable in the Tucson, was underwhelmed by the CRV, and fell madly in love with the CX 5!!! I could not have been more surprised!

Since this was just a browsing trip, I did not even bring my van to discuss trade in value (which would be veritably nothing based in its condition LOL). No one could be more surprised than I that I BOUGHT A NEW CAR ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON!!!

Yep, I finally did it. I bought a 2014 Mazda CX 5! I will be picking it up by Tuesday night! OMG!

So, I was on cloud nine after that and then headed out to a reunion dinner with colleagues from a previous company. And I had a blast! I was out until almost 2:00 am!!! I did not expect to have as much fun as I did, and I spoke with someone who I would actually like to hang out with again because I really enjoyed his company. We'll see if he asks because who knows how he feels about it but, if he does, it would be nice.

Today brought a trip to the gym to run on the track, a trip to Starbucks and then Costco with my mom, and now laundry and rest. I am hoping to ward off this cold, but it is not looking good right now. If I feel worse tonight, I am going to stay home sick tomorrow to try to head it off from getting deep into my lungs.

I am a few days behind on my meditations but will catch up this week. My eating was good this week, but I had a bit too much wine this weekend. Exercise was good, with lots of walking both Friday and Saturday.

All in all, the weekend was fantastic and I feel happy. And that is a great feeling. :)

Closure

W3D1 of C25K is in the books. Go me! :)

Meditation done and food within my calorie target for the day. I am now relaxing with a big glass of wine.

And a box of Kleenex.

A friend from work just left my house with a truck full of ex-BF's things and is delivering them to his house for me so that I can close the books on that relationship. That was my last remaining tie to him.

It's hard to go through a breakup. There have been several times over that last (almost) month that I have wanted to contact him to stop the pain of it all. But that would not have fixed anything but the short term difficulty of grieving the loss.

Friday will mark one month since I left. I feel like I should be over this, like I should stop sounding like a broken record about grief and loss. I hope that the delivery of his items will symbolically allow me to remove him from my house and my life. I am ready to be happy again. I still have a great life, relationship or no relationship.

Time to smudge this place this weekend and exorcize the ghosts of the past. I want to move on.