Friday, May 8, 2009

Random Thoughts

There are so many topics fluttering around in my head right now, so please bear with my crazy trains of thought. Oh, and the three Stella beers probably have not helped on the coherence front.

I went out for drinks with some co-workers tonight, and it was a milestone night for me. I walked past mirrors many times as I visited the Ladies Room, and never once did I look at my reflection and think "I look fat." Not once. That is amazing. I felt curvy and pretty okay for a woman in her late (late late late) 30s! And what a relief that was because it actually allowed me to ENJOY myself and not just worry about how I looked. No worries, just fun!

I mentioned that I am nearing some big milestones in terms of weight loss numbers, but I will elaborate. It is not something that I talk about IRL because I feel kind of embarrassed about how heavy I was, and thus the number of pounds lost seems to represent not only an accomplishment but also a shame that I let myself get that heavy. But the truth of the matter is that I have only 0.8 pounds to lose until I have lost 100 pounds from my highest weight. I had reached this point for about a minute back in June of 2006, but then proceeded to put back on almost 60 pounds during a stressful time in my life after my divorce. I restarted my weight loss journey back on July 1st of 2008, and since that time have lost about 57 pounds. I am excited to reach that point, but still want to lose at least 30 pounds and hopefully more like 40 pounds. That would be the weight I was when I graduated from college, and I felt damn healthy.

Anyway, nearing this milestone is exciting for me and makes me feel like I will reach my weight loss goal this year. I am even going to do the terrifying and schedule a photo session with a professional photographer so that she can take pictures of my daughter and me for our holiday card this year. We have never had professional photos taken together, and frankly have very few together whatsoever. How sad is that, seeing as she is seven years old already?

I have also started wearing more form-fitting clothes again... tighter jeans and figure-hugging sweaters, and oh my are the compliments coming my way! It is so motivating and flattering, but it also brings up weird issues of the wrong kind of attention. Being almost 6 feet tall, I have always looked out of the ordinary for a woman. Add into that very long and curly hair, ultra pale skin and, an EXTREMELY curvy body, and I sometimes feel like a freak among normal women. And now that I am being noticed again (because when you are fat, you are much more invisible to the world around you from my experience), it is both motivating and a bit uncomfortable. But with my age and experience on this journey with me, this no longer throws me off my center to the point that I fear I will need a layer of fat to protect me. I want to be thin and fabulous, and I am NOT scared of that! I embrace it!

So now I am home from my night out, and I have two birthday parties to contend with tomorrow. But tonight gave me the motivation to stay strong, enjoy myself, but not go crazy with the food and drink. Because I want to focus on the fun and not how I look, like I did tonight, and if I am not mindful of this and go in the wrong direction I will end up right back where I started... and that is a place that I never want to revisit.

2 comments:

Al's CL Reviews said...

Congrats! You have so much to be proud of!

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

100 lbs...gasp...AMAZING. You really should be proud of yourself. I am starting to hate when people ask me how much I've lost and how much more I want to lose. It is almost as though if I admit that I have 108 lbs left to lose AND I tell them I've lost 35 lbs, they will magically be able to figure out what I weight RIGHT NOW.

I also things its awesome that you have become more comfortable with yourself, kudos!