I have some hard realities to face as I near my goal weight. The old body ain't what it used to be, folks.
When I was at this weight before (about 10 or 11 years ago), I still wanted to lose about 30 pounds off of my 5' 10" body, but I was comfortable enough with my figure to get naked with my boyfriend. But now, after having lost and gained and lost a large amount again, my body fat percentage is so much higher and my shape looks very different. It is hard to look in the mirror naked and not be freaked out!
So now my focus has changed. It is no longer to lose weight so that the scale reads a certain number or to wear a specific size of clothes, but instead I am focusing on losing body fat and gaining muscle. I am going for the "look okay naked" goal, and this is new for me because I have never specifically focused on changing my fat to lean ratio.
I dream of a tummy tuck, but I really want to wait until I have made my body look as good as can be without surgery... and then maintain that body for awhile... before I go for a visit with my surgeon. Since I also have a hernia that needs repair, I hope to combine these two procedures into one.
I guess I always thought that it was just a matter of losing weight, and that the rest would follow and I would feel great about myself. But since I have been on this weight loss roller coaster for so long, and so many times, my body has undergone some dramatic (and undesirable) composition changes. I wish I could urge every person who needs to lose weight to avoid the yo-yo dieting that I have experienced because now I am staring the ramifications right in the face whenever I see myself without my clothes on.
The silver lining in all of this is that I spend 98% of my day in clothes, and I look a hell of a lot better in them than I did this time last year! No one besides my daughter sees me naked, so all of this is my private shame and disappointment. But it sure makes me think twice about starting to date again!