Tuesday, November 9, 2010

And Then One Day You Realize

that losing weight does not fix everything that you think is wrong with your life. Sure, it makes so many things much, much better, but it does not alleviate self-doubt or loneliness. It does not fix all of the problems with your body, but sometimes points out new ones that no amount of weight loss or exercise can erase. And it certainly does not guarantee love or companionship or successful relationships.

I am aware of my hang-ups and insecurities, as much as anyone can be since I am sure I cannot see them all. Now the question is whether or not I am willing to try to overcome them, or if I am going to retreat and hide and eliminate the risk of being hurt or rejected. They were there, although maybe in a slightly different form, when I was heavy and they are here now with over 100 pounds gone. And now they are screaming at me because they did not disappear when the weight left like I hoped they would, like I prayed they would. Not that I *really* thought that they would all go away... but I guess I just had no idea how much I would let them hold me back.

Now I know how much I am letting them hold me back. I am watching myself enjoy things less because I am so disappointed with my body and so afraid to disappoint if seen for what I really am. I am running away, and I don't know how to fix that.

I still have a lot of work to do, and it really doesn't involve a number on the scale or a clothing size anymore. I don't even know where to start.


Kris said...

I remember facing that same realization myself. Start with just the smallest piece, if you need to. But start with something. I promise, it is worth it, to lose the emotional weight has been more freeing than losing the physical weight.

I thought about using this article as a basis for a blog post. I haven't yet, but I might still at some point. http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Identifying-Problems-Advice-from-Life-Coach-Martha-Beck

Jen said...

I remember feeling the same way girl. Remember how long it took to remove the weight, it takes twice as long to get rid of the rest of it.

It will COME though. Take one day at a time, start fresh, be thankful for the good things.

Chin up girl, it is okay to wallow, just don't live there.

I am praying for YOU today!

Delane said...

Everyone has self doubt and insecurities. Everyone deals with them differently and masks them differently

Hope you figure it out.

Melissa said...