Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Peek-A-Boo

Yes, I am alive. I feel like I am peeking out from behind a curtain, like I have been playing Hide and Seek with myself.

Things have been good. So good that I have just been living my life and not focusing on my weight loss and fitness journey. That is not good, but I am accepting the trade-off for now because exploring a new relationship takes a lot of my time!

On Saturday we will celebrate our "three month anniversary". Yep, it is still so new and fun that things like that count. The summer has been great as we have gotten to know each other and explored what there is to see and do with a new partner in crime. but this has been VERY scary on a personal level. I have exposed myself and my issues and my insecurities in a way that I have never done before. And I have had to hold myself back from running away from him more times than I care to admit to myself.

I am sure that my weight is up, maybe 7 pounds from my post-surgery low. All of the beer and the wine and the meals out have added up, and the nights spent snuggling on the couch with a movie or sleeping in late (REALLY LATE) have decreased my activity level. But it was worth it, and I am getting back on track.

I was spot on with my eating today, went to the personal trainer for strength training, and walked two miles at lunch. I am also starting to train for a half marathon this week (oh please let me find the time for it and actually do it). I like being thin and healthy, and I want to be thinner and fitter, so I know what I must do.

If all of the hard work of losing weight prepared me for this, it was all worth it. :-)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

On The Scale Again

Yep, I did it. I stepped on the scale for the first time in forever. I thought it was time for a check-in even though my clothes say that everything is fine.

I was down 1 pound from the last time that I stepped on the scale, and up about 5 from my lowest post-surgery weigh in. I consider it a maintain, which is pretty amazing considering all of the eating and drinking that I have been doing the last month and a half! I also consider it a victory.

That being said, I am ready to lose the last 10-15 pounds that I want to lose. Or, better put, I am ready to lose the fat and gain more muscle. It is back on plan for me and I am ready. I basically eat low calorie (1200 to 1500) during the work week, and then allow myself some indulgences over the weekends depending on my plans. This works for me.

On the romance front, things are going very well with the man that I have been seeing this past month! I fall for him more and more every time that we are together. He is a really good person, and this whole taking it slow thing has made me feel very comfortable with him. So far, so good... very good!

I am off to the gym for a run, for the first time in over a month! I am still strength training two times a week with the trainer, but my daughter and I have been spending as much extra time (as weather permits) swimming after school/work. I start my half marathon training program in August, so as long as I have a decent mileage base until them I will be fine.

Life is good because I am choosing to focus on the positive and not to dwell on the not so good.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Old Habits Are Hard To Break

I am a creature of habit. Most days I embrace this because it brings me comfort. I find satisfaction in my routines, especially eating routines, as long as I get to cut loose once a week or so. Lately, though, it has been a lot more than once a week, and it is wreaking havoc on my goals.

I am also a creature of habit in terms of the people in my life. This is both good and bad. Good because I truly care about the wonderful people who surround me on a regular basis, and because it makes me work at maintaining healthy friendships instead of retreating to my cave, which is often a temptation. Bad because I have trouble cutting people out of my life when they are no longer healthy for me. I certainly have done it, but usually something extreme has to happen for me to firmly terminate a relationship. It also helps when I do not have that person as a part of my day-to-day activities.

On Friday I fell back into an old habit. It was my own fault. I should not have emailed him the photo of one of his favorite restaurants, one of the places where we had an amazing date, as I passed it on my way to meet some friends for drinks. I knew better. And I should not have continued the communication when he responded to me about it. I knew better then, too. But the wine made everything seem so different, and I did what I wanted to do instead of what I knew I should do. And I probably would have anyway, wine or no wine.

And I *never* should have responded to his texts. Or agreed to talk to him on the phone at midnight. Or driven to his house at 1:00 AM. My poor decisions compounded, and I chose to do what I wanted in the moment instead of focusing on what was best in the long term. I allowed myself to be weak even though I knew better, just because it felt good... or made me feel something with depth, good and bad.

The positive side is that I know that it means nothing about the "future" of our relationship. We don't have a future except as co-workers and people who shared an intimate past. And I know that... and I finally accept that. Our phone conversation was the same one that we have had so many times in the past, about how he doesn't want to hurt me because he cares about me, and how the fact that we work together really flips him out, and that the risks are too great. That is his truth, and I accept that.

My truth is that I am getting to know another man who is a good man, who is emotionally and physically present, who makes me feel special and makes me feel that *I* am the one that he wants to be with... and I like him. I have no idea if things will work out with him, but I am enjoying the time that we spend together now. And I am not willing to trade this to go back into a habitual situation of emotional push and pull that has no potential for a happy future.

So I consider Friday to be my last hurrah with my co-worker. I enjoyed the hell out of it for what it was because I *knew* what it was, I went in with no inhibitions (which is a first with him), and I left on my own terms. Now I am done because I want to be done. I am breaking this habit.

So much of this parallels my eating. When the emotions kicked in, so did the binges. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and even this morning. I see the parallel. I get emotionally aroused with strong feelings and I try to quiet them and soothe myself with food. I blindly go into a binge to temporarily block out my thoughts. But this never works.

That is the other habit that I am breaking. Binging is a habit... a compulsive habit, much like smoking two to three packs a day used to be for me... but it is a habit. I quit smoking cold turkey in January 2000, and I am going to quit binging cold turkey in May of 2011. Two of the worst habits that I have/had. No more.

There are better options. I will choose the ones that don't destroy me. In all areas of my life.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Knock on Wood

Things have been good these past two weeks. Like "knock on wood" good in a way that makes this (usually non-superstitious) woman want to avoid jinxing it.

My third online date was a success. I like him. He seems like a good man, and we have a lot in common. Thursday night will be our third date, and he has already asked me to go to a concert with him in July! I have a really great time with him, and I am looking forward to seeing him again. So far, so good... and we are taking it slowly. Time will tell.

This has made things at the office a bit easier, although not easy. But I have felt happy more than sad, and that in and of itself is a HUGE blessing

I also had a fantastic visit with a friend last weekend, and it felt like a vacation. I felt like a tourist in my own city, in the best way possible. His visit raised my spirits and renewed my sense of fun. It helped me find parts of myself that have been missing since last September, and showed me just how important a visit with a friend can be.

I have been in maintenance mode in terms of weight loss for awhile now. I have not stepped on the scale in weeks, but am going by the fit of my clothes now. And honestly, I am spot on with my eating and drinking on the days that I do not go out... but the progress is undone on the days that I do go out. So it is a break even thing for now, and I am kind of okay with that... but not for long.

I am going with"Life is Good" right now. That makes me happy.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

A Heart Full of Hope

I did well this week. I followed my food plan every day (except for a planned night out last night, and the eating was moderate). I worked out at least a little every day, even if it was just a quick up and down the 12 floors of stairs at lunch at work. I had my first therapy appointment. And I went on a first date.

The benefits:

1) My clothes fit me better after a good week back on plan.
2) I feel in control of my eating right now.
3) I got some "homework" from the therapist and am actively working on creating some emotional distance between me and my ex (yet still current coworker).
4) I had a great time on my date and have found that spark of hope that lives in my heart.

All of these things have made me a happier mother, daughter, friend, and coworker than I have been in recent weeks. Feeling in control of my eating really does set the stage for other things running more smoothly in my life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Just One Thing - Day 2

Thank goodness that I was in better spirits today. I really was at the end of my rope yesterday.

Let me think about the things that I did well today:

1) Followed my eating plan (and got in more calories than yesterday, but I still need to up them)
2) Took a 1.5 mile walk at lunch and enjoyed every minute of it
3) Dressed up a in a new outfit
4) Treated my co-worker with respect and as much positivity as I could manage in a very difficult situation
5) Treated myself to a pot of tea after work instead of hiding out by myself at home
6) Added value to the board meeting that I attended this evening
7) Found a place inside of me that is not romantically dead and responded to a "possibility" email
8) Made an appointment to talk to a therapist later this week - BIG +++

I beat my goal of five good things for today. Some of them seem small, but all of them took serious effort on my part because I am not feeling like myself. I'll call this a good day, too.

Onward to Day 3.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Just One Thing - Day 1

I did one thing right today. I followed my eating plan. I will admit that I did not eat nearly enough calories today, but I will do better with that tomorrow.

I actually did two things right today by working out. I walked a mile at lunch, and then spent 20 minutes at The Exercise Coach on the strength machines.

And, if you count enjoying my daughter after I picked her up from school, then I even did three things right. And this one made someone else happy, too.

I think I am going to go out on a limb and say that I did four things right. I delivered a performance review to one of my team members and was able to give her a nice (very nice... very very nice) raise, and it made us both very happy. So I am claiming that as the fourth thing that I did right today.

So, even though I cried my way through most of the day, and despite the fact that I did some things very very wrong today, I can recall four things that I did right. I am going to go to bed on that high(ish) note.

And I am going to try to do at least five things right tomorrow.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Just One Thing

I am struggling. With every single thing in my life. I have been crying since Friday, and even typing this is making me cry again.

I feel overwhelmed by everything, and I just want to run away. Or go hide in a cave, curled up in the fetal position.

So for this week, I am going to focus on doing one thing well. I am going to follow my eating plan. I have canceled all of the lunches and dinners out and nights of drinking with friends that I had planned so that I can pull back in for a week. I shopped tonight so that I have everything that I need for breakfast, lunch and dinner on hand for Monday through Friday.

Even if I continue to cry my way through the week, I will do one thing right.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sign Me Up!

Wait... I already signed up this morning!

My second half marathon will be the Aurora Half Marathon. Bring it.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fresh Start

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
-Mary Pickford

I have made mistakes. So many mistakes, big and small, and I continue to make them every day. I pay for the major ones that I made years ago even today, and I expect that pattern will continue for the rest of my life.

I find that my mistakes can compound if I let myself live in the guilt that I feel afterward. I cannot tell you how many classes I dropped in college because I would miss a class, feel guilty for missing a class and then miss a second class, and then feel too guilty to go back after missing so many classes that dropping it seemed like the best solution. I have been falling into that bad habit again, all of these years later, but now it is with my eating.

I overeat or eat something that I normally would not, and then I feel guilty and I compound it by making a day of it. Then I feel guilty about that day of overeating, and one day becomes two. Which becomes a week, and most recently the better part of two weeks. As the time goes on I become more compulsive about it, and it becomes binge eating. I was making this mistake again, even though I know where it takes me (and I *do not* like that place at all).

I have been eating my emotions. I have been letting stress manifest in overeating. I have been self-soothing with food, and sometimes I have been gorging myself just because it feels good to eat so much and the food tastes good. And all of this makes me feel very guilty, very fat, and very ugly (inside and out). It makes the rest of my life so much more difficult, so much more draining.

So I am starting fresh. Not tomorrow morning, or next week, but right now. I have not "ruined" anything by this diversion. I can still wear my clothes and I still look decent in them. I have not gained a significant amount of weight back. But I am choosing to start over, to let go of these recent mistakes and get back up, to do what works for me and what makes me feel good about myself. I am going back to class, and I am going to learn the material this time.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Stick A Fork In Me

Because I am done. Done with this whole dating thing for awhile, unless something truly earth-shaking literally comes and shakes the ground beneath my feet. I swear that almost every guy that I have met wants to dirty text with me and, um, no... what ever happened to subtlety?!?

I am also done with surgical complications. After my last post, I ended up back at the surgeon's office with yet ANOTHER infection just one week later. And cut open AGAIN. I am hoping that I am finally on the mend. Our hypothesis is that I am reacting to the internal sutures that were used in me. It has been very discouraging.

That being said, I started working out again last night. I went to the trainer, and I am easing back in. I plan to fit in a couple of runs this weekend (although I wish I could be at a gathering of my friends near Louisville as I had planned before all of my sick and vacation days went down the toilet with complications and re-hospitalizations). I am really looking forward to nicer weather so that I can get back outside for more runs as that is what I miss most.

Weight-wise... I have no idea. I am staying off of the scale for awhile because I was driving myself crazy with it all. I know that I have been eating my feelings these last few weeks (can you say "Easter candy"?), but I am focusing on controlling THAT and not on the number on the scale. My clothes fit me, I feel okay, I am starting to work out again, and my eating has been healthy since Easter so I am calling it a success for now. I know that I still want to lose about 10 pounds of fat, but it is going to be the slow and steady way and not the obsessive way. So no scale until I feel more stable about minor fluctuations.

The good news is that I went clothes shopping for summer items last weekend and it was a big win. I spent FAR too much, but it was one of those shopping trips where I felt like almost everything fit. I brought 9 pairs of size 8 capris into the dressing room with me as I gave myself the pep talk that I couldn't get discouraged when they all did not fit because every brand has different sizing... and then they all fit. And so did the shirts. And the skirt. And the shorts. And the summer sweaters, the Born shoes, the purse, the cotton pants, the tank tops and camisoles and underwear (okay, I did not try THAT on there but they do fit). And now my bank account hurts.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Cleared for Exercise!

After nine weeks of "walking only" exercise restriction, my surgeon cleared me for exercise today! Woo-Hoo! As you might imagine, I just came home from my first run at the gym. It was my first run since January, and oh how I missed it. Seriously, I had a total runner's high about 15 minutes after completing the run, and I was all blissed out. :)

Besides my 0.4 mile warm-up and cool down, I walked ran one mile, then walked one mile, and then ran one mile. My average pace with the walking and running combined was in the high 12 minute range, so I was pleased.

Friday will be my first strength training session. So excited!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.... I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK in the saddle again!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

15 Years Later... Dating Still Sucks

Well, I went on two online dating "dates" this week. I had a nice time on both, good conversation with nice guys, but no connection on a romantic level for me. Both have asked me out again and I figure that I will give each a second "date", but if it in not there then I will be honest so we can all move on.

Disappointing. And I seriously forgot just how much I hate dating.

And both led me to wildly over-indulge in Easter candy afterward. Stress and disappointment eating. Add a horrible week at work with my co-worker to the dating stuff and it was binge-o-rama.

On other (more positive and productive) fronts, I took a Knife Skills class this morning and LOVED it! I really improved my technique (if I even had one before the class, which certainly is debatable), and I have a new Shun santoku knife in my possession. After trying almost all of the knives available for us to try, I liked that one the best. And I plan to put it to good use in my kitchen. I also plan to take more cooking lessons at this place because it was really fun!

And now I can dice an onion like a pro. :-)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Return To Me

I am doing some re-evaluating.

I have decided that I want to undertake a one-year plan for a better me. After this round of dating, I am going to back WAY off and refocus on myself for the next year. Cut back on going out, get back to the gym as soon as I can, and undertake a serious life makeover program:

BODY - Lowering my body fat percentage while increasing my muscle mass and going to Level 2/next steps with the plastic surgeon

MIND - Getting myself back in a healthy self-care routine after all of the crap with my co-worker/ex-lover that has distracted me and made me hate myself for the past 6+ months

and

SOUL - Getting my house de-cluttered, focusing on things that make me feel good about myself, focusing on my child and my friends and family and people who actually love me… and giving my energy to THEM instead of to uncaring energy vampires as I have been doing lately

Tomorrow is April 1st, and I declare it my “Return To Me” start date. It is time to shift my focus back from seeking love outside of myself to cultivating love for myself. That is the hardest thing for me right now, to love myself despite all of my obvious flaws and in spite of all of the ways that I have damaged myself with my life decisions over the year. To make the most of what I have left. To become the best that I can be with what I still have. And to realize that no one else can make me whole or fix me.

It's a sort of homecoming, and it is about time.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Expect the Unexpected

Since I last posted, I have been admitted to the hospital again... twice. I have spent most of the last week in a hospital bed, and I am DONE. I ran into a complication from surgery, a horrible infection almost 6 weeks after the fact. They had to open me back up a bunch and now it has to heal from the inside out. So gross.

That being said, I had a fun weekend planned and had to miss it. I was going to go out with a girlfriend for a quick after-work drink last Thursday (canceled), out in downtown Chicago with another girlfriend on Friday night (no go... readmitted to the hospital at noon), first date on Saturday night (nope, but rescheduled for this Thursday night so YEA), fourth date on Sunday afternoon (and I was excited to try that sushi place, but had to skip it)... yeah, you get the picture. That hospital bed seemed even bleaker.

I came home last night and hope to stay out for good. Grrr. The only good thing was that a package with a bunch of new clothes that I ordered was waiting for me, and I loved them for the most part. Bought some Perfect Bootcut dark wash jeans (8 Long) from The Gap and they look awesome! Also got a faux wrap dress on closeout from Banana Republic for $27.00 (8 Tall), and it rocks. But my favorite may be the zip-side pencil skirt from The Gap (8 Tall). Awesome!

I have not even weighed myself for a week and a half because I am bloated from being on IVs, being on a clear liquid diet, then eating crappy hospital food while sitting on my butt in the bed all day, not to mention the swelling from the infection and incision itself. Yuck. I do not need to further depress myself. But I know that it is temporary, and I am back on track now that I am out and able to eat what I want.

Well, hopefully the hospitalizations are in the past and the healing will be speedy. Unfortunately the surgeon has banned me from exercise except for walking until my follow-up in April. Boo. That really upsets me, but I have to focus on first things first and the healing is first.

Wish me luck with the two first dates that I have this weekend. I figure that, since this whole online dating thing is an adventure for me, I am going to go for it and have some fun. :-)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Luck o' the Irish - St. Patrick's Day 2011

I had a whirlwind St. Patty's Day this year... wow! I went on another date with the man that I met last weekend. He took me out for sushi, and we had a great time. I do enjoy him, but I am taking this slowly because I know that my emotions are still tied up with my (hot and cold, on and off) co-worker. I need to cut those ties before I can really give someone else a chance, so I am dating and severing ties all at the same time.

After that date, I went to meet a friend at a local pub for drinks (at 9:00 PM), and ended up meeting a guy there, too. It was a fun evening, but he is from out of town so I do not expect it to go anywhere. But it was nice to hang around with a strong and cute man for the rest of the evening, too.

I really lucked out on St. Patty's Day! :-)

I am also communicating with another man via email, and he is supposed to call me this weekend. As far as emailing goes, he has been the most fun to write with yet. He is well written, well educated, and expressive. Our banter has been excellent.

I guess I am just trying to expose myself to different people right now, to compare and contrast and enjoy myself until something just clicks with someone (and they also have that click with me). But I will say that it is wonderful to be with guys who want to be with me, too, and who don't keep pushing me away/pulling me close/pushing me away like work man did/does to me.

On another note, my buckling down on the eating after all of the beer last weekend worked because I weighed in at 155.9 this week! Alright! 10.9 pounds to goal. I must say that I enjoy wearing my shirts tucked into my pants and wearing cute belts to highlight my waist. It helps me make good food choices on a regular basis.

And only 2 weeks and 3 days until I am cleared for exercise again! So excited!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Beer

I drank too much beer this weekend. Fat Tire, 312, Blue Moon, Green Beer... TOO MUCH BEER. I feel bloated, and will be skipping the alcohol for awhile.

The good news is that I had a lot of fun this weekend. Never actually got drunk (which is a good thing), but was out for hours and hours and hours each night/day. And came home with a smile each time.

Friday I met a new friend out in the city for some after work fun. Six hours and two locations later I made my way home on the last train. An excellent start to the weekend. :)

Saturday I went to a memorial service for a neighbor that passed away. When I arrived there, I got a text inviting me out for some afternoon festivities with a friend that I was supposed to meet for dinner that evening. I was in the mood for some impromptu fun, so I headed down to start the St. Patty's Day festivities early. I met some fun women, had a great lunch, drank some green beer... and met a nice guy. My friend saw an old co-worker of hers check in on Facebook and mention that he was headed to the place where we were at, and she had a light bulb moment in thinking that we might like each other. Which we did.

We actually spent the rest of the evening with him and his friends, and we had a great time. He asked me out for a date today, and ended the evening with some kisses as I left. Excellent.

We met in the city today and spent six hours exploring and having lunch and enjoying some adult beverages at the train station while we waited for my train to come. We will see if it goes anywhere, but it felt great to be on a real date. And I enjoy his company.

The flip side of that is that I *did not* go out on the date as planned with the online person that I mentioned in my last post, and that is a decidedly GOOD thing. He called and texted me almost every day this week, and it all just became unpleasant because there was such a strong sexual overtone to everything. Yuck. I mean get to know me first before you try to get me to send you dirty texts (seriously????). At least meet me in person first... blech.

So the weekend turned out differently that I expected, but for the better in my opinion. Here's to my first real date (where I can call it a date and not "whatever we are doing" as it was with my co-worker). Life is moving on, and hopefully in an excellent direction.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Adventures in Dating - Part 1

I spoke with a man on the phone twice today after exchanging some emails on the dating site that I joined last Thursday. He asked me to go out tonight, but I have my daughter so that is a no go. He is going out of town until Sunday afternoon, but asked me out for Sunday night. Hopefully Date #1!

I think he is a bit of a player, but that's okay because 1) I do not plan on giving it up that easily and 2) I am not looking for an insta-relationship. I want to find a few guys to have some fun evenings out with until I find that one that makes me forsake all others. And that may take awhile, because the man who is with me is going to have to be focused on anything BUT my body since it is all messed up.

That's the scariest part. There are a few men that I am communicating with, but I feel like a fraud. Like I present a good picture at first glance... a nice face, a body that looks okay with clothes on... but once the onion is peeled, YIKES. I have to figure out how I want to handle that, but for right now I just want to go out and enjoy a few dates. And hopefully I will.

On another note, I finally broke down and bought some new clothes since mine are so baggy right now. I still want to lose about 13 pounds so I do not want to go crazy with the wardrobe spending, but I especially needed some new jeans. I bought some Levis in a size 8 long, and then some Old Navy jeans in a size 8 long. So I guess I really am in a size 8 long at this point. I am also most certainly in a size Medium top, and even picked up a size Small dress from Old Navy, although I would have preferred a Medium because it was a bit shorter than I usually wear.

So there you have it. Talked to one man on the phone and made a date, got a second email from another one (who is young compared to me, but has a face and joking demeanor that makes me want to go have a beer with him). I'm calling this a good start!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Moving On

I took the plunge and signed up for one of the Internet dating sites on Thursday night. The responses have been pretty interesting! Most of them are NOs off the bat, but I have actually written to a few of the men who have emailed me. I know that it is like mining for gold, but I am going to take it as an adventure and just see what comes my way. I'll be rejected, I will reject some, but even if I find a couple of nice men to go out with occasionally then it will be worth it. AND it will take my mind off the man who has been messing with my heart and my head these last six months. And that alone was worth the sign-up fee.

Wish me luck!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Weekly Weigh-In

Down 2.2 pounds this week.

157.8

Hello 150's! Nice to see you! :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Suckfest 2011

The last 24 hours have been a total suckfest. I want a fucking do-over (please excuse the profanity if you are sensitive).

Today was the day that I was going to return to the office. I had initially planned to work from home this week, but my job is such that I really need to be there to be effective. Although I am only two weeks out from surgery, I thought I could handle it if I drove myself in instead of taking public transportation so that I could leave early if necessary.

So it is Monday night, the night before my big return to work, and of course this is the night that my work "friend" decides that "we should talk". So excellent to break things off (again) right before I return to the office to go back to work with him. Begin SUCKFEST.

Tuesday morning comes. Have had a crappy night of sleep, am up before my 5:30 a.m. alarm, and end up tired and ready for a nap after showering, getting dressed, getting the child dressed, feeding the both of us, and getting her to my mom's since school is closed. And it is only 7:00 a.m.

Onward to work. Driving on the (insanely packed) expressway into the city. Listening to the Black Eyed Peas way too loudly to drown out the unhappy voices in my brain from the discussion the night before. DING DING DING DING!!! What's that? My van is... OVERHEATING??? How is this possible when the heat isn't even working???

It *is* indeed possible. What to do? Pull off of the expressway at the next exit, find a safe place to park, and call AAA for a tow. And it is all of 7:30 a.m.

Tow truck arrives at 9:00 a.m. I am frozen from sitting in a cold car for an hour and a half. And, just two weeks out of major surgery, I hurt my abdomen pulling myself up to sit in the tow truck. Fucking awesome.

Onward to the service station. We drop off the van, and my brother is on his way to pick me up and take me home. 10:00 a.m. I arrive at home, go to the couch, and fall asleep for the next two hours. My favorite form of avoidance when I do not want to binge eat or cry my flipping eyes out.

Ring, ring... it's the service station! Van is royally fucked up. When all is said and done, the cost is $1030. Nice, especially after having to replace the fuel pump last month to the tune of $670. SUCKFEST CONTINUES.

(excuse me for a moment... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... primal scream therapy minute)

Some days just suck. This was one of them.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm Still Alive

I am back home. I have been home since Monday night. Still healing, and I have my post-op appointment tomorrow morning. I am hoping to get the go ahead to work from home starting next Tuesday.

I am working through a bunch of emotional issues, which is why I have been quiet thus far. But it feels good to be physically on the mend, that's for sure. When I have the energy, I'll recap the experience.

Monday, February 7, 2011

See You On The Other Side Of This

It is time. I am leaving for the hospital tomorrow at 6:30 a.m. And I am ready for this to be over so that I can get healed and get back in the game. Time to kick it into high gear and hit my goal. Time to be the best that I can be, and give the best that I can give.

Thanks to all of my friends who reached out to me these last few days when I have been having a mini-midlife crisis around this whole thing. So many feelings converged... flashbacks to surgeries past when I was so sick, feeling like I was all alone and regretting the relationship choices that I have made in my life, the fear that I will not be able to manage my life these next 6 to 8 weeks while limited in my abilities... so many things.

But this too shall pass. My mom has stepped up to help me. Emotional support has come from both the most likely and the most unlikely places. And I feel like I just want to finish this and move on with living my life. I hope it unfolds brilliantly.

See you next week!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Weekly Weigh In

I am now just over a week away from surgery, and I am getting very stressed about it. The big concerns that are running through my mind are:

1) How I will care for my child, my animals, and myself during recovery
2) Missing work for three weeks (Will they still need me?)
3) Being totally out of commission with working out for at least 8 weeks

It is amazing that the exercise thing made the top three, but it truly is higher than things like my concerns about physical pain, hospitalization, and huge new scars. Exercise has been a big piece of my puzzle in losing all of this weight, and it scares me to be away from it and lose all of my gains.

I have been working with my new trainer for two weeks now, and I have actually seen changes in some of my muscles. I will be going back after I am able to work out again. I really think that strength training is what I need to help me achieve the rest of my body reshaping goals (short of plastic surgery, which will follow at some point). I love the cardio and will keep it up, but the strength addition twice a week will stay.

Now, onto my weigh in. I am happy to say that I was 165.8 yesterday morning, just 10.8 pounds away from my current personal goal. At almost 5' 11", my BMI is now 23.8.

All in all, a good few weeks!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Countdown is On

My looming surgery is starting to get the best of me in terms of nerves. I have a list a mile long of things that need to be in place to take care of my 9 year old child, 5 animals, and home while I am in the hospital for 7 days and then out of commission for another 14 days. It is a daunting list, and I start tackling it today.

Add to that the fact that I know how much surgery takes out of me and how long the road to recovery is, and I am flipping out a bit. The good news about that is that I am really focused on being as healthy as possible going into the surgery, so I have not been having any problems sticking to healthy foods and keeping all of the partying that I was doing at bay. I weighed in at 168 yesterday, so the slow and steady downward trend continues.

I am mixing up my exercise routine again, though, starting today. I started working with a new trainer. His philosophy is 20 minutes twice a week, strength work with very very very slow movements until muscle exhaustion. My biggest goal now is to lose body fat and replace it with lean muscle, so he is perfectly in line with that. He told me that, in addition to helping me lose the excess fat, he would like to add about 5 pounds of muscle to my frame.

Our first session today took me to a place with leg presses that I have never been. He had me pressing 100 pounds, which is not unusual for me as I usually set the machine for 100 to 120 pounds when I do it at the gym, but the slow reps and movement techniques that he had me focus on brought me to a crazy level of burning in my quads. And then he worked with me to continue through the burning and override the psychological urge to quit when my muscles were still actually strong and able to work. It was hard!!! But it was satisfying. I go back again on Wednesday, and I am really looking forward to it.

This weekend I am locking myself in to tackle the house. Deep cleaning and decluttering, and even getting rid of my main TV and gorgeous wood and beveled glass cabinet for it because it is just too big for my area. Not the TV per se, but the cabinet. And the cabinet limits me from getting a nicer TV because nothing bigger will really fit in it other than the 32" huge TV from 1998. But that means that I need a new TV, so I am trying to figure out how much I want to spend on that.

Decisions, decisions.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Normal

My weigh in this morning put me in the 160s (169.6, to be exact), so I have passed through the "dreaded" 170s where I have been stuck for most of the last year. It also put me at a BMI of 24.3.

Normal.

I am no longer classified as Overweight on the BMI scale, and could claim GOAL at WW if I chose to do so because the high end of my weight range is 174. But I know that I am not there yet. I "officially" want to lose 14.4 more pounds, but it will really depend on what my body looks like when I get there. What I specifically want to do is lower my body fat percentage and increase my muscle mass, so once I get the all clear after surgery to start working out again I am going to make that my formal goal.

My main focus for losing the weight was to get healthier. I feel that I have achieved that now, and need to focus on maintaining it. For the past two years, my blood work has been spot on in all areas (although I was told that my total cholesterol was a little low at 124 last year by some crazy nurse). And my surgeon scheduled a pre-op appointment for me that excluded both an assessment with the anesthesiologist and a full blood panel because he feels that I am healthy enough for surgery without having to check those. So that makes me happy.

After losing so much weight I am certainly not normal. My body looks NOTHING like it did when I last weighed this 13 years ago. My fat percentage is way too high because, even with a healthy plan, some of the weight loss was lean muscle tissue. But there is only so much that I can change, so I am going to focus on the things under my control and start saving my pennies for the multiple visits to the plastic surgeon that I see in my future!

Because now comes the vain part, the part that so many people are not comfortable discussing... the "look good naked" part. I may never look good naked again in full light (hello crazy-bad stretchmarks, I am talking about YOU), but I can look better than I do now with a combination of further weight loss, cardio, weights, and some nips and tucks. And I am not ashamed to admit that I will be pursuing all of those options.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

1/1/11

Happy New Year!

I rang in the new year quietly last night, with my mom and the cats and some champagne. Slept in this morning, and then spent a leisurely morning reading on the couch.

Then I went to the gym an ran 3.1 miles to start the new year off right. After lunch, I did a 45 minute kettlebell workout (with 15 and 20 pound kettlebells) and then took a long bubble bath.

After dinner I tackled the dismantling of the Christmas tree, and now I plan to spend some time with the new issue of Cooking Light. All in all, a quiet, productive, and *simple* New Year's Day.

Tomorrow is my daughter's 9th birthday. As she is with her father this weekend, I will be meeting them out for breakfast to celebrate the big day. Then it is running and kettlebells, laundry and cleaning, grocery shopping and weekly prep for back to school and full week of work.

It may not be exciting, but this first weekend of the year is just my speed. With no drama to boot. Welcome 2011!