Thursday, March 31, 2011

Return To Me

I am doing some re-evaluating.

I have decided that I want to undertake a one-year plan for a better me. After this round of dating, I am going to back WAY off and refocus on myself for the next year. Cut back on going out, get back to the gym as soon as I can, and undertake a serious life makeover program:

BODY - Lowering my body fat percentage while increasing my muscle mass and going to Level 2/next steps with the plastic surgeon

MIND - Getting myself back in a healthy self-care routine after all of the crap with my co-worker/ex-lover that has distracted me and made me hate myself for the past 6+ months


SOUL - Getting my house de-cluttered, focusing on things that make me feel good about myself, focusing on my child and my friends and family and people who actually love me… and giving my energy to THEM instead of to uncaring energy vampires as I have been doing lately

Tomorrow is April 1st, and I declare it my “Return To Me” start date. It is time to shift my focus back from seeking love outside of myself to cultivating love for myself. That is the hardest thing for me right now, to love myself despite all of my obvious flaws and in spite of all of the ways that I have damaged myself with my life decisions over the year. To make the most of what I have left. To become the best that I can be with what I still have. And to realize that no one else can make me whole or fix me.

It's a sort of homecoming, and it is about time.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Expect the Unexpected

Since I last posted, I have been admitted to the hospital again... twice. I have spent most of the last week in a hospital bed, and I am DONE. I ran into a complication from surgery, a horrible infection almost 6 weeks after the fact. They had to open me back up a bunch and now it has to heal from the inside out. So gross.

That being said, I had a fun weekend planned and had to miss it. I was going to go out with a girlfriend for a quick after-work drink last Thursday (canceled), out in downtown Chicago with another girlfriend on Friday night (no go... readmitted to the hospital at noon), first date on Saturday night (nope, but rescheduled for this Thursday night so YEA), fourth date on Sunday afternoon (and I was excited to try that sushi place, but had to skip it)... yeah, you get the picture. That hospital bed seemed even bleaker.

I came home last night and hope to stay out for good. Grrr. The only good thing was that a package with a bunch of new clothes that I ordered was waiting for me, and I loved them for the most part. Bought some Perfect Bootcut dark wash jeans (8 Long) from The Gap and they look awesome! Also got a faux wrap dress on closeout from Banana Republic for $27.00 (8 Tall), and it rocks. But my favorite may be the zip-side pencil skirt from The Gap (8 Tall). Awesome!

I have not even weighed myself for a week and a half because I am bloated from being on IVs, being on a clear liquid diet, then eating crappy hospital food while sitting on my butt in the bed all day, not to mention the swelling from the infection and incision itself. Yuck. I do not need to further depress myself. But I know that it is temporary, and I am back on track now that I am out and able to eat what I want.

Well, hopefully the hospitalizations are in the past and the healing will be speedy. Unfortunately the surgeon has banned me from exercise except for walking until my follow-up in April. Boo. That really upsets me, but I have to focus on first things first and the healing is first.

Wish me luck with the two first dates that I have this weekend. I figure that, since this whole online dating thing is an adventure for me, I am going to go for it and have some fun. :-)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Luck o' the Irish - St. Patrick's Day 2011

I had a whirlwind St. Patty's Day this year... wow! I went on another date with the man that I met last weekend. He took me out for sushi, and we had a great time. I do enjoy him, but I am taking this slowly because I know that my emotions are still tied up with my (hot and cold, on and off) co-worker. I need to cut those ties before I can really give someone else a chance, so I am dating and severing ties all at the same time.

After that date, I went to meet a friend at a local pub for drinks (at 9:00 PM), and ended up meeting a guy there, too. It was a fun evening, but he is from out of town so I do not expect it to go anywhere. But it was nice to hang around with a strong and cute man for the rest of the evening, too.

I really lucked out on St. Patty's Day! :-)

I am also communicating with another man via email, and he is supposed to call me this weekend. As far as emailing goes, he has been the most fun to write with yet. He is well written, well educated, and expressive. Our banter has been excellent.

I guess I am just trying to expose myself to different people right now, to compare and contrast and enjoy myself until something just clicks with someone (and they also have that click with me). But I will say that it is wonderful to be with guys who want to be with me, too, and who don't keep pushing me away/pulling me close/pushing me away like work man did/does to me.

On another note, my buckling down on the eating after all of the beer last weekend worked because I weighed in at 155.9 this week! Alright! 10.9 pounds to goal. I must say that I enjoy wearing my shirts tucked into my pants and wearing cute belts to highlight my waist. It helps me make good food choices on a regular basis.

And only 2 weeks and 3 days until I am cleared for exercise again! So excited!

Sunday, March 13, 2011


I drank too much beer this weekend. Fat Tire, 312, Blue Moon, Green Beer... TOO MUCH BEER. I feel bloated, and will be skipping the alcohol for awhile.

The good news is that I had a lot of fun this weekend. Never actually got drunk (which is a good thing), but was out for hours and hours and hours each night/day. And came home with a smile each time.

Friday I met a new friend out in the city for some after work fun. Six hours and two locations later I made my way home on the last train. An excellent start to the weekend. :)

Saturday I went to a memorial service for a neighbor that passed away. When I arrived there, I got a text inviting me out for some afternoon festivities with a friend that I was supposed to meet for dinner that evening. I was in the mood for some impromptu fun, so I headed down to start the St. Patty's Day festivities early. I met some fun women, had a great lunch, drank some green beer... and met a nice guy. My friend saw an old co-worker of hers check in on Facebook and mention that he was headed to the place where we were at, and she had a light bulb moment in thinking that we might like each other. Which we did.

We actually spent the rest of the evening with him and his friends, and we had a great time. He asked me out for a date today, and ended the evening with some kisses as I left. Excellent.

We met in the city today and spent six hours exploring and having lunch and enjoying some adult beverages at the train station while we waited for my train to come. We will see if it goes anywhere, but it felt great to be on a real date. And I enjoy his company.

The flip side of that is that I *did not* go out on the date as planned with the online person that I mentioned in my last post, and that is a decidedly GOOD thing. He called and texted me almost every day this week, and it all just became unpleasant because there was such a strong sexual overtone to everything. Yuck. I mean get to know me first before you try to get me to send you dirty texts (seriously????). At least meet me in person first... blech.

So the weekend turned out differently that I expected, but for the better in my opinion. Here's to my first real date (where I can call it a date and not "whatever we are doing" as it was with my co-worker). Life is moving on, and hopefully in an excellent direction.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Adventures in Dating - Part 1

I spoke with a man on the phone twice today after exchanging some emails on the dating site that I joined last Thursday. He asked me to go out tonight, but I have my daughter so that is a no go. He is going out of town until Sunday afternoon, but asked me out for Sunday night. Hopefully Date #1!

I think he is a bit of a player, but that's okay because 1) I do not plan on giving it up that easily and 2) I am not looking for an insta-relationship. I want to find a few guys to have some fun evenings out with until I find that one that makes me forsake all others. And that may take awhile, because the man who is with me is going to have to be focused on anything BUT my body since it is all messed up.

That's the scariest part. There are a few men that I am communicating with, but I feel like a fraud. Like I present a good picture at first glance... a nice face, a body that looks okay with clothes on... but once the onion is peeled, YIKES. I have to figure out how I want to handle that, but for right now I just want to go out and enjoy a few dates. And hopefully I will.

On another note, I finally broke down and bought some new clothes since mine are so baggy right now. I still want to lose about 13 pounds so I do not want to go crazy with the wardrobe spending, but I especially needed some new jeans. I bought some Levis in a size 8 long, and then some Old Navy jeans in a size 8 long. So I guess I really am in a size 8 long at this point. I am also most certainly in a size Medium top, and even picked up a size Small dress from Old Navy, although I would have preferred a Medium because it was a bit shorter than I usually wear.

So there you have it. Talked to one man on the phone and made a date, got a second email from another one (who is young compared to me, but has a face and joking demeanor that makes me want to go have a beer with him). I'm calling this a good start!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Moving On

I took the plunge and signed up for one of the Internet dating sites on Thursday night. The responses have been pretty interesting! Most of them are NOs off the bat, but I have actually written to a few of the men who have emailed me. I know that it is like mining for gold, but I am going to take it as an adventure and just see what comes my way. I'll be rejected, I will reject some, but even if I find a couple of nice men to go out with occasionally then it will be worth it. AND it will take my mind off the man who has been messing with my heart and my head these last six months. And that alone was worth the sign-up fee.

Wish me luck!