Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fresh Start

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
-Mary Pickford

I have made mistakes. So many mistakes, big and small, and I continue to make them every day. I pay for the major ones that I made years ago even today, and I expect that pattern will continue for the rest of my life.

I find that my mistakes can compound if I let myself live in the guilt that I feel afterward. I cannot tell you how many classes I dropped in college because I would miss a class, feel guilty for missing a class and then miss a second class, and then feel too guilty to go back after missing so many classes that dropping it seemed like the best solution. I have been falling into that bad habit again, all of these years later, but now it is with my eating.

I overeat or eat something that I normally would not, and then I feel guilty and I compound it by making a day of it. Then I feel guilty about that day of overeating, and one day becomes two. Which becomes a week, and most recently the better part of two weeks. As the time goes on I become more compulsive about it, and it becomes binge eating. I was making this mistake again, even though I know where it takes me (and I *do not* like that place at all).

I have been eating my emotions. I have been letting stress manifest in overeating. I have been self-soothing with food, and sometimes I have been gorging myself just because it feels good to eat so much and the food tastes good. And all of this makes me feel very guilty, very fat, and very ugly (inside and out). It makes the rest of my life so much more difficult, so much more draining.

So I am starting fresh. Not tomorrow morning, or next week, but right now. I have not "ruined" anything by this diversion. I can still wear my clothes and I still look decent in them. I have not gained a significant amount of weight back. But I am choosing to start over, to let go of these recent mistakes and get back up, to do what works for me and what makes me feel good about myself. I am going back to class, and I am going to learn the material this time.

2 comments:

Mel said...

I'm right there with you! I decided May 1 sounded like a really good day to get back on track. I've been playing with the same 5 pounds since early February. I want to start seeing some forward progress again!

Michele said...

Oh boy...did I need to read that! I have been a "Negative Nelly" lately and listening to that "bad talk" in my head! IT STOPS TODAY! I will get back on my path...and even though I know I will fall, I will get back up and continue! Thanks Nicole...this couldn't have come to me at a more better time than right now!