Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Saving All My Points for Wine

Okay, maybe not ALL of them, but I am keeping a bunch back each day for a big ol' glass of the red stuff each evening!  That case of Apothic Red is going quickly!

I jumped on the scale this morning after two days of being spot on with my points, and I was already down 5.2 pounds.  So, although the number that I saw Monday obviously included a lot of bloat from the holiday weekend, things are moving in the right direction.  I am going to stay off the scale until next Monday since I now have the numerical reassurance that I am on the way back down, but I must say that I am glad that the scary number I saw on Monday gave me the kick in the bottom that I needed to refocus.

This week I am focusing on getting my eating back in line, and I will most likely continue to focus on that as a goal next week, too.  Then I am going to add exercise back in as a second goal.  I am not going to be making it to the gym for awhile, so I have to get a new cable box for the TV in my exercise room because it kicked the bucket and I see the treadmill in my future for the next few months.

Things are very stressful at home.  Things are very stressful at work.  Life in general is very stressful right now, to a degree that I have not experienced in many many years.  But I have to make sure that I do not make it worse by screwing up the things that I actually have control over like my eating.  That's all me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Foci

I tend to be singular in my focus.  When I put my mind to something, I can often surprise myself with the changes that I can affect.

Lately my focus has been especially singular in nature, and it starts with a big ass C.  In my mission to help my boyfriend fight his disease, I have been systematically destroying myself with my weapon of choice: Food.

I have spent most of the past month and a half binge eating.  Hiding in the kitchen, eating in the dark after everyone has gone to bed kind of binge eating.  The rest of the time I have just been careless with my consumption, with a very few days of discipline interspersed here and there.  I told myself that it was just temporary, that the next day would bring reform.  And while it often did through lunchtime, the end of the day would once again include eating with wild abandon.

I woke up on Monday morning telling myself that I would get a solid four days of self-control under my belt and weigh in on my normal WW weigh-in day of Friday so as not to flip out after seeing the number on the scale after a weekend of extreme eating a la Man vs. Food.  But, as I climbed out of the shower, I gave myself a mental bitch slap and literally jumped on the scale to get that numerical taboo out of the way and face the damage that I had done to myself.

OUCH.

It was about 5 pounds worse than my worst thoughts about what the number might be.  No more waiting until Friday as usual... I immediately reset my WW weigh-in day to Monday and started the work to take the weight back off.  No crash diet, no limited food choices, just counting my points and stopping when they are gone.  No drama, no feeling sorry for myself, and no building up to an "eat whatever you want" day over the weekend.  Just some very non-dramatic realism of living the way that will bring me the healthy and slim body that I want and that feels good to me.

I cannot be as singular in focus as I have been lately.  I need foci.  I have to be one of them or else I will self-destruct.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

One Year

Today is the one year anniversary of my first date with my boyfriend.  We were planning to hop on a plane to Playa del Carmen on Thursday morning to celebrate, but that obviously had to be cancelled.  Then he had planned to take me to the restaurant where we had our first date to have a celebratory drink.  Instead, we spent the afternoon on the couch napping because he is not feeling well today, and then I went grocery shopping for food that he can tolerate eating at this point in his treatment.

This is tough stuff, both him fighting cancer (the tougher of the two by FAR) and me caring for someone I love who is fighting cancer.  But there is a silver lining in the whole process, and that is the fact that I like coming home and having him here.  I would worry so much more if he were at his home and I could not peek in and see how he is doing at any time, if I could not rub his neck or scratch his back when he is feeling sick, if I could not look to my right on the couch and exchange commentary with him while mindlessly watching American Idol.  We have "lived together" twice, and both times have been under poor circumstances: 1) When I needed help post surgery and 2) While he needs help during chemo.  But, despite the circumstances, we are both happier doing this together than doing it alone.

Our anniversary certainly is not how I envisioned it and, if I am being honest, I will admit that I am a little disappointed that we could not celebrate it other than with an exchange of cards.  But the reality of it is that I am so much closer to this man than I ever would have thought that I would be after dating for a mere year because of the events that we have encountered over this past year.  I cannot predict if we will make it another year as a couple, but I have learned so much about being in a relationship this last year.  About REALLY being in a relationship, not just during the fun times but also during the most difficult ones.  About how you can help but have to be careful not to control when someone is down, and how you can care and advise but still have to accept someone's right to make their own decisions for themselves even when you think they are wrong.  About how you can still find happiness in the day to day things even when you are in terrible circumstances.

Happy Anniversary to us... what a year it has been.  Here's to better days!

Monday, May 7, 2012

First Round

My boyfriend had his first round of chemo today.  We also received more specific information about the cancer; it is Stage 3, but his bone marrow is okay

The whole process was long, but he tolerated it well and is resting comfortably now.  He will have chemo every 2 weeks until he has completed twelve treatments, and will have a CT scan in the middle of his treatment to ensure that the cancer is responding to the medications as the doctors expect.

It is amazing how everything else takes a back seat when something like this comes along.  I am tracking my food again to keep my weight down as much as possible so that I do not dig my *own* grave with my fork during this whole process.  It's ironic how I am counting his daily calories to make sure they are adequate while counting my own to ensure that they are not too adequate.  I feel like I have a split personality.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Big C

It's amazing how quickly life can change.  Especially when the diagnosis is cancer.

My boyfriend has not been well for a few months.  It has been a source of great tension because I felt that he was not taking it seriously enough despite losing 50 pounds in a very short period of time without any intention of doing so (or any need).  Despite the fact that he was sleeping 10 to 14 hours a day, was unable to complete a full day at work, and lost interest in everything in his life (including beer, which was shocking because he enjoyed it with wild abandon).

His doctor was doing the typical routine... let's run this test and we'll call you in a week when the results are back... hmm, everything is normal so let's run this test and we'll call you in another week... huh, it's all normal so let's have you do these blood tests that are in no way related to your symptoms (insert sarcasm here) and then wait another week for results.  Wow, we think it might just be a virus that has to run its course but don't know what it is (can you say "lazy medicine").  I was freaking out and telling him to go to the hospital and get some focused attention, and he was telling me that I was overreacting and that he was not going to listen to me because I am not a doctor, blah blah blah.

I almost left several times, but in the end did not.  Finally, two weeks ago I did an intervention with him after ANOTHER day off of work with no improvement in sight, and I told him that he could go to the ER himself the next day or else I would get his parents from their retirement community and the three of us would take him like a child.  Luckily he decided not to see if I was bluffing (which I was not) and he went on his own.  He was admitted to the hospital after an exam in the ER, and less than two days later was given a preliminary diagnosis of lymphoma after his abdominal CT scan showed grossly inflamed internal lymph nodes.  A biopsy was performed, and three days later he was told that it is Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

We await the exact stage based on the results of his PET scan and bone marrow biopsy late last week, and he starts chemotherapy next Monday.  He is moving into my house tomorrow so that I can care for him as he undergoes treatment over the next four to six months.

We will be celebrating our one year anniversary on the 13th, and had scheduled an all inclusive vacation in Playa del Carmen starting on the 17th.  Needless to say, everything has been postponed so that we can focus on fighting the cancer instead.

Yes, things really can change in an instant.  And they sure did.