Saturday, March 30, 2013

Wagons

Yep, I fell off a few.

Since I got sick last Sunday, I have not exercised. I'm still trying to get this cold out of my lungs.

No meditations this week. And I miss it, so time to forget about catching up and just pick it back up where it is now.

I have eaten to my desire the last two days. Nothing crazy, but certainly not at weight loss levels.

But it is all okay. I am feeling happy!

Yes, the new car (did I say ZOOM ZOOM yet???) is making me feel extra special, but it is more than that. I feel like I have surfaced from the depression that overwhelmed me since I became single again. I still have my moments... even had a few today... but they pass.

Truth be told, I went on a date tonight. And I had a great time!!! We talked and talked and talked, and could have talked for hours more. I left with a big smile. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Not sure that it can ever become serious because he is deathly allergic to cats while I have five cats that are a huge part of my world, but I really enjoy his company. I did not expect to be able to do this so soon, but I did and we shall see what happens. Life is funny like that.

Tomorrow is Easter, and then Monday I am back to real life and my routine again. I made some good Easter basket choices for DD by buying small packs of treats for her instead of the big bags that I know would end up in MY belly because they are my favorites. I also leaned towards the toy area instead of candy. I want to move downward on that scale!!!

To all who celebrate, I wish you a Happy Easter!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

I'm sitting on the couch with the cats, watching crappy TV while my clothes are in the washer. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I have a big old cold brewing in me. :(

This weekend was wonderful. Starting with my Thursday night hair appointment (which is always fun because I love the ladies who work at the salon), I have had a very social weekend and am feeling like my old self again.

Friday I met a girlfriend out in the city for dinner and drinks. We were out very late, and I ended up talking with a nice man at the bar for a couple of hours. It was good to be out again after all of the drama of this past year, and it made me happy that I could talk to guys again without feeling uncomfortable and awkward.

Saturday I planned to test drive some cars with my mom and, very surprisingly and wonderfully, my brother decided to join us. We test drove the Hyundai Tucson (which was my first choice), the Honda CRV, and the Mazda CX 5. I felt really comfortable in the Tucson, was underwhelmed by the CRV, and fell madly in love with the CX 5!!! I could not have been more surprised!

Since this was just a browsing trip, I did not even bring my van to discuss trade in value (which would be veritably nothing based in its condition LOL). No one could be more surprised than I that I BOUGHT A NEW CAR ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON!!!

Yep, I finally did it. I bought a 2014 Mazda CX 5! I will be picking it up by Tuesday night! OMG!

So, I was on cloud nine after that and then headed out to a reunion dinner with colleagues from a previous company. And I had a blast! I was out until almost 2:00 am!!! I did not expect to have as much fun as I did, and I spoke with someone who I would actually like to hang out with again because I really enjoyed his company. We'll see if he asks because who knows how he feels about it but, if he does, it would be nice.

Today brought a trip to the gym to run on the track, a trip to Starbucks and then Costco with my mom, and now laundry and rest. I am hoping to ward off this cold, but it is not looking good right now. If I feel worse tonight, I am going to stay home sick tomorrow to try to head it off from getting deep into my lungs.

I am a few days behind on my meditations but will catch up this week. My eating was good this week, but I had a bit too much wine this weekend. Exercise was good, with lots of walking both Friday and Saturday.

All in all, the weekend was fantastic and I feel happy. And that is a great feeling. :)


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Closure

W3D1 of C25K is in the books. Go me! :)

Meditation done and food within my calorie target for the day. I am now relaxing with a big glass of wine.

And a box of Kleenex.

A friend from work just left my house with a truck full of ex-BF's things and is delivering them to his house for me so that I can close the books on that relationship. That was my last remaining tie to him.

It's hard to go through a breakup. There have been several times over that last (almost) month that I have wanted to contact him to stop the pain of it all. But that would not have fixed anything but the short term difficulty of grieving the loss.

Friday will mark one month since I left. I feel like I should be over this, like I should stop sounding like a broken record about grief and loss. I hope that the delivery of his items will symbolically allow me to remove him from my house and my life. I am ready to be happy again. I still have a great life, relationship or no relationship.

Time to smudge this place this weekend and exorcize the ghosts of the past. I want to move on.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Whew

Tonight I had a tough (but good) session with my therapist. We explored loss and grieving, even when it is for something not quite right. A loss is still a loss, and the stages of grief still have their way with us.
Food wise, all was good. I am listening to a podcast called Cut the Fat, and it is giving me a lot to think about. I am in the "taking in information" stage right now, and am loving these podcasts.

I am a day behind on my meditations, but had a great one on the ride home. Too good since I almost fell asleep on the train!

Other than that, I woke up at 5:30am to get 23 minutes on the treadmill before hitting the shower for work. And now I am off to bed!

I am optimistic that tomorrow will be another good day despite the fact that I have a friend taking ex BF's things back to his house tomorrow night. I will grieve and then move on. Smudge stick in hand. Time to get the negative energy out and let the light back in.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Wrapping Up the Weekend

So sorry to see Sunday come to a close... I'm not ready for work again! Actually, tomorrow I work from Noon until 9:00pm for a monthly meeting with overseas vendors, so at least I do not have to wake up at 5:30am! I still have to get up early to get the child to school, but that's as expected.

I went to the gym and worked on the elliptical for 30 minutes. First time I have been to the gym since last July. And I got in a good, sweaty workout!

The rest of the day has been pretty lazy except for doing our laundry. The bad news about that is that I washed more than I expected to do. Meaning: I washed my Fitbit! First time ever, but so far it looks like it survived. Thank goodness because I love the thing!!!

Eating has been good today, and I still have calories for a glass of wine. I did make a dumb move by buying a large jar of Nonni's salted caramel mini biscotti from Costco, though. THEY ARE TOO GOOD. And you cannot eat just one. They may have to make their way into work to share with my coworkers.

I did my meditation this morning, but really wasn't focused. The first time that it has been such a struggle for me. I have been churning the breakup over and over in my mind all day, and I think that funk affected my focus.

This was a rough weekend for me. If I were a different type of person (read: not so damn stubborn), I would have called him in a moment of weakness today. I am glad I didn't, though, because I left that relationship for more than one reason, and we will never be happy together because we do not have compatible lives. That is not going to change. I just have to work through the emotions and let this go.

Off to enjoy movie night and an early bedtime with my daughter. Here's to another successful day of reaching my goals!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Keeping Busy

Today was a busy day. It started with an early morning trip to the vet with my oldest kitty (he's 12 1/2). He has lost over 5 pounds recently and is vomiting water up every time he drinks. They did bloodwork, and gave him IV fluids and electrolytes and a shot of anti- nausea medication. They also heard a very strong heart murmur. The results of the bloodwork will be back on Monday, but the vet thinks it is either renal failure or hyperthyroid. It's so hard to see my old guy declining in health. :(

After that, I had lunch with a friend. We planned to have sushi, but it turns out that the sushi restaurant is not open for lunch on the weekends. What what what WHAT??? We went across the plaza to another restaurant and had a wonderful lunch. We made plans to bike and walk together when the weather gets nicer, and will also take advantage of summer activities in the city this year. I am really looking forward to that because I have been such a homebody for the last couple of years and it will be nice to have a friend to go to these events with me.

After that was a trip to Costco and then to Target. Found some awesome Champion capris at Costco. I will be going back for more! Then we came home to clean up before DD's sleepover tonight.

Once her friend arrived, I hopped on the treadmill for my run. I was supposed to do W1D3 of the Couch to 5K program, but accidentally selected W2D2 in the app! I kept thinking that the run segments felt longer than a minute... and they were! The good news is that I did it with no problem, so I am going to take it from there.

The girls had pizza for dinner and, although I really wanted pizza, I made myself a stir fry instead. Then I set the girls up with a game on the Wii and went upstairs to do my daily mediation. It was a powerful one, focusing on the centering thought of "I am perfect. I am healthy. I am strong." There was discussion about loving our bodies as they are now, and that is an area that I struggle with daily. I plan to repeat this one several times over the course of the 21 day challenge to reinforce the message to myself.

My mom is coming over tonight to watch Life of Pi and enjoy some wine. We watched Argo last night, and we both really enjoyed it. I have seen more of my mother in the three weeks since the breakup with my ex BF than I have this last year because she hated him and he couldn't stand her, either. It is good that I no longer have to choose between them; I just wish the reason were different.

I had a nice moment today before I changed into my workout clothes. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror as I was putting my hair up and thought "I look pretty". So much different than my usually critical view of all the things that could be better. It was a nice surprise.

Another day of taking steps in a healthy direction. I'll take it!

Weekend Warrior

Yesterday went well, with the exception of a bit too much wine while watching Argo. Oh well, it happens!

I made the right choice at dinner and ordered a Greek salad with grilled chicken instead of the fish and chips special that I wanted to get. I also got in a 30 minute walk on the dreadmill (incline included) so as to "earn" my wine for the evening. Did my meditation on the way to work as usual (I am really enjoying that new habit!), and spent some quality time with my mom at dinner and a movie.

I had a rough evening emotionally, though. Maybe it is because yesterday marked three weeks since I left my previous relationship. Or maybe it was just one of those waves of sadness and grief that still wash over me at random times. Either way, they come as they come and I am not trying to fight them or pretend they are not there. I am feeling my feelings, and not trying to stuff them down with food.

Today is packed. I have already returned from the vet with one of my cats. They think he may be having renal failure or hyperthyroid issues (they heard a huge heart murmur on top of all the other symptoms). We will know more when the bloodwork comes back on Monday.

I am having lunch with a friend at Noon, then picking up my daughter from her father's house and going to Costco with her and my mom. Then she has a girlfriend coming over for a sleepover at 4:30pm! I have to fit W1D3 of the Couch to 5K program in there somewhere, but I am not worried about that.

Tomorrow is laundry and grocery shopping. I also plan to go to the gym and use the elliptical machine for awhile. I have not been to the gym since July. It will end a milestone week of starting to run again, being mindful of my eating, daily meditation, and a general return to daily life as a single woman.

I can do this.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Good Work

I'm keeping up the good work today! Day 3, and things went well.

Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge - CHECK! The focus was on respecting the wisdom of our bodies, and it set the tone for the day since I performed the meditation on the way to work this morning.

Exercise - CHECK and DOUBLE CHECK! I have logged over 12,500 steps today since I chose to walk to lunch (about a mile round-trip) and also put in 33 minutes on the treadmill tonight doing W1D2 of the Couch to 5K program tonight. I switched it up a bit by using the "Zombies, Run!" app on my phone which gave it some additional interest!

Food - Good choices despite eating two meals out today.

Breakfast: Nonfat Greek yogurt with mixed berries and crushed almonds

Snack: Raw almonds

Lunch: Chicken burrito bowl with shredded chicken, black beans, lettuce, tomatoes, guacamole, and salsa

Dinner: Miso soup, Ocean Drive sushi roll, Unagi nigiri, red wine

Add some heartfelt conversation with a good friend, and the day was excellent!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Keep On Truckin'

It's Day 2 since my return, and it has been another good day.

I caught up on the Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge (http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=178) since I started a day late due to my trip. I am using my train commuting time to perform the meditations, and did one on the way to work and a second one on the way home. I must say that I am enjoying this!

Food wise, it was a solid day. I still need a few more calories to complete the day in a healthy manner, so I am planning a snack after I post.

Breakfast: 1 cup nonfat Greek yogurt with 1 cup mixed berries and 5 crushed almonds

Snack: Quest Brownie Protein Bar

Lunch: Chicken burrito bowl with shredded chicken, black beans, lettuce, tomatoes, guacamole, and salsa

Snack: Jack Links Buffalo Style chicken nugget jerky (had to get gas station food before a 6:00pm appointment)

Snack: Almonds and red wine :)

I get red wine because I completed a 20 minute kickboxing workout... Yea Me!

I met with my therapist tonight, and it was wonderful as usual. She really helps me get clarity on issues. Of course, my heart still has to heal in its own time and its own way, but at least I understand that I made the right decision given the circumstances.

So I tackled SPIRITUAL, PHYSICAL, and EMOTIONAL again today. And it feels good!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Starting Fresh

I'm not starting over. I prefer to see it as a fresh start.

I'm back from Mexico. I had enough food and alcohol to satisfy my appetites for awhile. I'm still grieving my loss and licking my wounds, but now I am moving forward while I do it.

I just finished Week 1 Day 1 of the Couch to 5K Program.

Big deal for the woman who completed a half marathon and many many 5, 8, and 10K races, right?

Right. It IS a big deal. Because it is the first time I have even attempted to exercise since last July. And I did 30 minutes with no problem at all. And I feel pretty damn good about it. And it is the first time that I have felt pretty damn good about myself for a long time.

It certainly is a big deal.

Now, for my Food Log.

Breakfast: 1 cup nonfat Greek yogurt with 1 cup of mixed berries and 5 crushed almonds.

Lunch: Shredded chicken and refried beans over shredded lettuce and chopped tomatoes with salsa and guacamole.

Dinner: Mixed greens with grilled chicken strips, 2T balsamic vinegar, and 1T olive oil.

Treat: Red wine (now limited to nights that I run or weekend nights... gotta have some extra motivation sometimes!)

That's one down for the day: PHYSICAL.

Now for the EMOTIONAL. It was a rough day. I even cried at work. Twice. Once when my boss asked me if I was okay, and once when my coworker (who knows the story) asked me how I was doing. My boss told me to buy a new car to make myself feel better (oh to be an Executive VP like him). My coworker told me not to fall victim to forgetting the bad and only remembering the good, which is EXACTLY what I was doing today.

So I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. And now I feel better emotionally, too.

Spiritually, I logged on for the Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge, and am starting tonight!

I think it was a good day. Progress.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Changing My Focus

I am adjusting to the single life again, but it has not been without struggle.  I gave the relationship one last chance to make sure that I could look myself in the eye and feel that I had done all that I could to save it.  The reality is that it is not the relationship that will bring me the interpersonal happiness that I so desire, but it is very hard to say goodbye to him after all we went through this last year while he battled cancer and I cared for him.  It is most difficult to say goodbye to the dream of what we could have had in our future together.

I changed a few things around in my blog after being inspired by my friend at A Well Fed Life, and am going to widen the focus to include the overall life changes that I am making to get back to a place of happiness, health, and balance in my life.  These include:

  • Changes in my eating and activity/exercise level to support my desire for a healthy and happy life
  • Changes in my mental, emotional, and spiritual space to focus on those things that are in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future
  • Changes in my physical living space to reduce the clutter and maintenance required
  • Changes in my relationships to focus on those that bring me happiness and growth

When the ex BF and I tried the last ditch effort after my last post, we rescheduled our Mexico getaway for March.  We did not make it there, but instead of cancelling it again I asked my mom to join me because I really need a break from responsibility for a few days and also need a chance to regroup and refocus on my own life now that I am no longer part of an "us".  Although I am struggling to re-frame what I thought would be a romantic getaway to a vacation with my mom, I am glad that I did not throw away my plans (again) just because the relationship did not work out.

I am changing my expectations for the vacation from romantic ones to regrouping ones.  On the recommendation of my therapist, I am bringing the book Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality in the hopes that I will reawaken to the life that I have instead of mourning the life that I feel was lost.  I am also bringing a bunch of Sephora samples that I have gathered over time to indulge in facials and masks and moisturizing.  I have packed the beautiful new dresses that I bought to look nice for ex BF so that I can look nice for myself.  And I am accepting that, although far from perfect, I am going to appreciate the vacation for what it is and not mourn what I thought it would be.  I hope to come back refreshed and grounded and ready to enjoy the great life that I have been blessed with instead of focusing on what I do not have in it at this time.

Upon my return, it is time to make some changes in my life.  No more crazy and overly ambitious eating and exercise plans.  Just a focus on progress and achievement and enjoyment over time.  No more time frames to lose weight or run a certain distance in a certain time, but instead setting a goal to just do it and allow the journey to help me feel that I am once again achieving consistent goals and nurturing myself through health and wellness.

I am going to focus on myself and my child and my family until I feel ready to seek out a new relationship in a way that will not destroy my balance like the last one did.  I need to change myself and my view on the value of my own life in order to make sure that does not happen again.  And, hopefully, I will then be ready to be in a relationship that enhances my life instead of just changing its focus.

Here's to 2013!