Sunday, March 3, 2013

Changing My Focus

I am adjusting to the single life again, but it has not been without struggle.  I gave the relationship one last chance to make sure that I could look myself in the eye and feel that I had done all that I could to save it.  The reality is that it is not the relationship that will bring me the interpersonal happiness that I so desire, but it is very hard to say goodbye to him after all we went through this last year while he battled cancer and I cared for him.  It is most difficult to say goodbye to the dream of what we could have had in our future together.

I changed a few things around in my blog after being inspired by my friend at A Well Fed Life, and am going to widen the focus to include the overall life changes that I am making to get back to a place of happiness, health, and balance in my life.  These include:

  • Changes in my eating and activity/exercise level to support my desire for a healthy and happy life
  • Changes in my mental, emotional, and spiritual space to focus on those things that are in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future
  • Changes in my physical living space to reduce the clutter and maintenance required
  • Changes in my relationships to focus on those that bring me happiness and growth

When the ex BF and I tried the last ditch effort after my last post, we rescheduled our Mexico getaway for March.  We did not make it there, but instead of cancelling it again I asked my mom to join me because I really need a break from responsibility for a few days and also need a chance to regroup and refocus on my own life now that I am no longer part of an "us".  Although I am struggling to re-frame what I thought would be a romantic getaway to a vacation with my mom, I am glad that I did not throw away my plans (again) just because the relationship did not work out.

I am changing my expectations for the vacation from romantic ones to regrouping ones.  On the recommendation of my therapist, I am bringing the book Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality in the hopes that I will reawaken to the life that I have instead of mourning the life that I feel was lost.  I am also bringing a bunch of Sephora samples that I have gathered over time to indulge in facials and masks and moisturizing.  I have packed the beautiful new dresses that I bought to look nice for ex BF so that I can look nice for myself.  And I am accepting that, although far from perfect, I am going to appreciate the vacation for what it is and not mourn what I thought it would be.  I hope to come back refreshed and grounded and ready to enjoy the great life that I have been blessed with instead of focusing on what I do not have in it at this time.

Upon my return, it is time to make some changes in my life.  No more crazy and overly ambitious eating and exercise plans.  Just a focus on progress and achievement and enjoyment over time.  No more time frames to lose weight or run a certain distance in a certain time, but instead setting a goal to just do it and allow the journey to help me feel that I am once again achieving consistent goals and nurturing myself through health and wellness.

I am going to focus on myself and my child and my family until I feel ready to seek out a new relationship in a way that will not destroy my balance like the last one did.  I need to change myself and my view on the value of my own life in order to make sure that does not happen again.  And, hopefully, I will then be ready to be in a relationship that enhances my life instead of just changing its focus.

Here's to 2013!


Delane said...

I hope you have a great time on vacation! Your mom and you will have a blast.

Al's CL Reviews said...

Time away sounds awesome!

I like your perspective.