Wednesday, May 22, 2013

My First Dietbet Finale

Today was the day. Time to weigh in to see how I did on my first Dietbet. I knew it was a lofty goal when I started, to lose 4% of my body weight in 4 weeks... especially with Mother's Day and multiple lunches and dinners out with friends and a winery tasting and and and and. But I did my best.

Last Friday I was 0.4 pounds away from my goal. But then I ate and drank with abandon on my date on Sunday. And I had sushi with full sodium soy sauce (twice) yesterday. And then there was the wine. I felt bloated and swollen and downright nasty as I approached my mid-cycle AF day today.

I jumped on the scale this morning anyway and, much to my great surprise and delight, I won my Dietbet! I actually beat my goal by 2 pounds!!! I sent in my final photos and they were accepted this morning, so I am officially a challenge winner. Yay! I should find out later this week how much I will get, but that is not the real win. The real win is that I did not stop my life to do this. I have been out and about and have made as sane as possible choices. And I did it.

That being said, it did make me feel a little bit too scale focused which can be a slippery slope for me, so I am going to take the summer off from signing up for another one. I may do one in the Fall after a summer of living and feeling good regardless of which number the scale reports to me.

But a win is a win, and I am going to claim this one. :)

Sunday, May 19, 2013

A Day at the Races

I went on a date today. I asked him to plan it, and he chose the the horse racing track near our homes. He cooked and brought our picnic lunch, and we spent five hours in the sun enjoying the food and the weather and the drinks and the conversation.

I enjoyed myself. :)

He texted me afterwards. He is interested in seeing me again, and I would enjoy that. Although I am not ready for a relationship, I do like having someone treat me like a lady and call me arm candy LOL.

Moving on. I don't know how to do it but, just by going out and enjoying my life, I *am* doing it. No more sitting around the house feeling sad and wistful. I may feel those feelings, but I will be out and about as much as I can so that life does not pass me by while I am letting go. I have been blessed once again to discover new friends who want to engage in fun activities, like the lunch and craft fair and winery tour & tasting that we did yesterday. I am going to take advantage of my opportunities to enjoy and explore even while I struggle with my emotions. I find that I do not focus on them when I am focusing on the happenings around me. I feel happiness and connection instead.

On the weight loss front, I lost 0.8 pounds this week. I consider that a win. I have to lose 0.4 pounds by Wednesday to win the Dietbet challenge I have entered. That is going to be a big challenge, but I will give it my best. Wish me luck!

Overall, I am down 15 pounds since January 15th, and I plan to continue the downward trend.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Living with Ghosts

I am having a rough day. Truth be told, it has been a rough month. Tonight I am sad, and I am not sure how to move through it.

Two years ago tonight, I had my first date with my ex-boyfriend. What followed was almost two years of ups and downs, and very extreme ones at that considering that the bulk of the second year revolved around his Stage III cancer treatment, which made me his sole caretaker.

I left that relationship for many unresolvable reasons almost three months ago, but I am still struggling with its loss. Although it no longer made me happy, I still miss him. Especially tonight. I remember the early days when I was so filled with hope and happiness. I wish that we could start all over again from scratch, but know in my heart that it would not change the outcome because we are not meant for each other.

I have been able to manage these strong emotional tides predominantly without using food to soothe myself. Saturday night was bad and I had a full-on candy binge, but I made sure it was a slip and not a slide. It certainly did not help me feel any better. It only took me a step back from my goals for my health and my body, and made me feel bad about ANOTHER choice in addition to the one I was really mourning.

I am haunted by his ghost this month. Although he is alive and well, his presence is strong with all of the milestones this month. First dates, moving in, chemotherapy starting, anniversaries, so many good and bad and now sad memories. I am really trying to let myself feel them instead of running away from my feelings. I want to work through them and move past this and find the strength to start again when I am ready.

And I want to do this without sabotaging my other goals and desires. I want to be healthy on all levels. I just thought it would all be easier, and it is proving to be so very hard.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Scale is Not Enough

I am wrapping up my second week of lifestyle transition. People are commenting on the changes in my body, and I am noticing them by the fit of my clothes, but the scale has barely budged in the last week. The first week my weight dropped by over four pounds, but this week less than a pound. This week, however, my body looks smaller and my clothes are getting loose. The scale is not enough to measure the true changes.

My focus is on losing enough to win the Dietbet that I am in, which means that I have 16 days left to lose 2.6 pounds and that is achievable. But above that, I am focusing on losing body fat and building muscle. I am still trying to get at least 30 minutes of cardio in per day, mostly via walking, but have put the emphasis in my spare time on resistance training. And I can see results from this already.

The scale cannot measure everything that is changing for the positive with my body. I have been far too focused on the scale throughout my life. After the Dietbet, I am going to use it less often because I can now see that it does not tell the whole story.

I feel good, my clothes fit better, and I look slimmer. Those are better measures for me for now.