Monday, May 13, 2013

Living with Ghosts

I am having a rough day. Truth be told, it has been a rough month. Tonight I am sad, and I am not sure how to move through it.

Two years ago tonight, I had my first date with my ex-boyfriend. What followed was almost two years of ups and downs, and very extreme ones at that considering that the bulk of the second year revolved around his Stage III cancer treatment, which made me his sole caretaker.

I left that relationship for many unresolvable reasons almost three months ago, but I am still struggling with its loss. Although it no longer made me happy, I still miss him. Especially tonight. I remember the early days when I was so filled with hope and happiness. I wish that we could start all over again from scratch, but know in my heart that it would not change the outcome because we are not meant for each other.

I have been able to manage these strong emotional tides predominantly without using food to soothe myself. Saturday night was bad and I had a full-on candy binge, but I made sure it was a slip and not a slide. It certainly did not help me feel any better. It only took me a step back from my goals for my health and my body, and made me feel bad about ANOTHER choice in addition to the one I was really mourning.

I am haunted by his ghost this month. Although he is alive and well, his presence is strong with all of the milestones this month. First dates, moving in, chemotherapy starting, anniversaries, so many good and bad and now sad memories. I am really trying to let myself feel them instead of running away from my feelings. I want to work through them and move past this and find the strength to start again when I am ready.

And I want to do this without sabotaging my other goals and desires. I want to be healthy on all levels. I just thought it would all be easier, and it is proving to be so very hard.

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