Thursday, June 20, 2013

New Fire

I am feeling more grounded in my life than I have for quite some time. Taking care of myself has been the catalyst for the changes, in addition to doing the hard work of getting over my recent loss. Both are still in progress... but there has been progress.

My ex BF bought me a beautiful diamond solitaire pendant as a present for our first Christmas together. I loved it, and wore it every day for over a year. I see it in every photo from that time in my life. I viewed it as a tangible representation of our love, and I cherished the feeling behind the gift.  When I left and the relationship ended, I took it off and retired it to my jewelry box. Too much emotion tied to it, with too many memories whenever I looked in the mirror. But I missed it and checked for it unconsciously several times a day for the first few months.

I had a one carat solitaire ring from my marriage that also sat in that jewelry box as a purchase mid-marriage, so I decided to make my own necklace instead of waiting for someone to give me another one. I made one for myself to represent my love for myself, which is something that I have struggled with so much over the years.  It was ready for me to pick up this week, and it is beautiful. With even more fire than the one from my ex-BF. I love it and will wear it every day. I have filled that empty space myself.

I needed to end that relationship because  it was not right for me. He did not treat me the way that I deserve to be treated based on how I treated him. I have also had to terminate a few friendships recently for the same reason, including one just yesterday. That was very hard because I have historically allowed people to treat me poorly and have excused it away, not being true to myself and my feelings. No longer.

This all comes full circle now. No one will take care of me except for ME. And I have to set the boundaries for the way that others treat me or else they will continue to walk over me. I have to be willing to do the hard thing and walk away without feeling guilty because I deserve to be treated well.  And I will treat myself well as the first step. Not just with things like the pendant, but with the words I say to myself and the food that I feed myself and the time that I make for things that are important to me. I will make myself a priority, and I will walk away from anyone whose actions or words do not respect our relationship.

It has taken me this long in life to realize that walking away from people who hurt me or treat me disrespectfully is a healthy way to love myself and to set the tone for how I will allow myself to be treated for the rest of the life that I have before me.

I feel (and see) that fire inside of me again.


Nick said...

That was beautiful to read :-)

BZ said...

You DO deserve to be treated well. Love the idea of the necklace. :)