Thursday, September 19, 2013


Triggers can surprise you.  Something hits you and BOOM. Tears. Overwhelming emotion. Flashbacks.

I remember experiencing this once when I was watching the birth episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, when the NICU alarms were going off. I was unprepared for the physical and emotional reaction that overtook me as I was thrown back to the nine weeks that my newborn daughter spent in the NICU. The fear. Sheer terror.

And now tonight. Granted, it has been an emotional day. I found out that my dearest friend from college is saying goodbye to his mother tomorrow as they disconnect the machines that have been keeping her alive since the beginning of August. My heart breaks for him, and it has made me very thoughtful.

But then the night went to a different place when I started watching a special on Valerie Harper and her battle with cancer. I have been thrown into another place, weeping and sobbing and reliving the cancer experience that I had with my ex-BF. Crying out the feelings that I suppressed during his illness and chemo and recovery because I could not face them and still do what I needed to do each day to care for all of us. The doubt.  The fear. The absolute exhaustion, mental and emotional and physical and even spiritual.

And I feel sad. And angry that it had to happen to us. And exhausted, like a huge piece of me was taken away and has never returned. Disappointed that I cannot have any contact with him because it all became so unhealthy and dysfunctional. Wondering if things would have been different if that horrible hand had not been dealt to us less than a year into our relationship.

I think I need to feel this to really let go and move on. I will never know the answers to those questions.  It will never end differently. This is what it is and this is where I am, like it or not.

But I don't like it. And yet I have no choice but to accept it.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

So Many Things

Life has been moving so quickly, and I am exhausted. I am leaving the house at 6:10am to catch an earlier train, and arriving home just about 12 hours later to get dinner ready and do homework with my daughter and try to keep on top of the housework for us and the five kitties living under our roof. I feel tapped out.

My daughter started Middle School last month and now takes the bus on her own in the morning. It had been a big transition for the both of us. I am gone before she gets up each morning, and she is spreading her wings and getting herself together for school. Have I mentioned the two alarms that I obsessively set, both to wake her up and to let her know when to leave for the bus? Yep, I am still nervous!

Work has been crazy, and I feel behind all the time. I am showing the stress in my face.

I am following Weight Watchers to the letter, and getting more exercise in my life, and that feels very good and grounding. I even ran last weekend, and am tossing around the idea of joining a Wednesday evening running group.

I am also exploring some emotional interactions with someone from my past, which is fun but also a bit overwhelming with all of this other stuff going on.

Something has to give. I am trying to figure out how to balance everything, but that is not working well yet. I am going to give it more time but just need some help on making all of these changes feel good and positive right now instead of overwhelming.

Sunday, September 8, 2013


I weighted in for the second time this morning at my Weight Watchers meeting.  I made peace with my initial weigh in last week when I restarted, and focused on staying within my points and getting in a mile walk at lunchtime whenever possible... Baby Steps.

I did pretty well with my food, although the bottle of hard pear cider that I drank last night brought me five points over my allowance for the week (including my Activity Points). But my pants felt looser in the waist, and I felt less bloated in general, so I was feeling pretty good that I would see a loss. I was hoping to lose 3.3 pounds to bring me down a decade.

I stepped on the scale and started talking to my leader about my week, before I even looked at my results. Then I looked: Down 6.6 pounds. Wow!  I even said "Wow!" and then showed her the results, and she said "Wow... But results not typical!!!"

After all of these years I know that the bloat comes off during these early weeks, but it sure gave me the motivation to choose wisely today when I went out with friends to watch the Bears opener.

It feels good to be back on track. I want to make Lifetime this time. :-)

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


What a time of change in my life!  I need to take a step back and process it all.

WW: I attended my first meeting on Sunday in well over a year. The scale was a little lower than where I had thought, but still not in comfortable territory. But I know that the weight will come off if I follow the plan I have for myself. This week I am focusing on good food and drink habits, and then the more focused exercise will become a goal. Bit by bit.

Dating: I am taking a break for awhile. Met some nice (and some creepy) people, but none are the person for me. I even had some fun with an old colleague from a previous company, but it will not blossom into a relationship, and that is as it should be. It was good for me to dip my foot in the water again, but I want to pull back and focus on myself and my family and friends for awhile. The holidays are coming quickly!

Child: She started Middle School last week. So many changes for her, and for me. For the first time EVER, I have to leave her alone in the morning to catch my train, and she has to walk to the school bus alone in the morning. I know that this change had been far more stressful for me than for her because she is starting to spread her wings (which is good and normal), but we are rushing out to get her a mobile phone tonight so that she can send me a sanity check text every morning once she gets on the bus.

Which leaves work. I am conflicted. I am now leaving the house 45 minutes earlier, and both my commute and working day have grown. I think it is time for me to look for something closer to home because this leave at 6:10am and get home at 5:45pm thing is not going to work for us long term.