Work In Progress

Re-Run Time

2012-01-08T21:22:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe that I haven't posted in 5 months. Things have really changed, both for the better and also in ways that are not as positive. Things are still going well with the boyfriend, and we will be celebrating our 8 month anniversary this Friday.

Just two days before he moves in for a couple of weeks to take care of me after I have surgery. :(

The bad news: I have another hernia. In a different place, near my groin, but an incisional hernia like the last one. This one is more troublesome because it small and tissue is stuck in it, so I am scheduled to have it repaired on Monday the 16th. So, since I have to go back under the knife sooner rather than later, I am going to have a plastic surgeon do it and also have him attempt to do some cosmetic work in the area at the same time.

I am scared, but I hope that things will go smoother this time afterwards since I have a very strong and capable set of extra hands that have volunteered to help me. He has offered to move in to take care of me and my daughter, and I am going to let him (which is very hard, to let people see me at my worst like that). My mom will also be around to help during the days when he is at work, so I hope that things will go well.

I will be out of work for two weeks and will then work from home for the next week. I am going to drive in to work instead of taking public transportation as I normally do for a month after that to ensure that I am fully healed.

Here's to starting 2012 off with a bang! Once I am healed, it is time to get some exercise back into my life because it has been sorely missing for the last, oh, 8 months or so.

Peek-A-Boo

2011-08-09T21:39:00.003-05:00

Yes, I am alive. I feel like I am peeking out from behind a curtain, like I have been playing Hide and Seek with myself.

Things have been good. So good that I have just been living my life and not focusing on my weight loss and fitness journey. That is not good, but I am accepting the trade-off for now because exploring a new relationship takes a lot of my time!

On Saturday we will celebrate our "three month anniversary". Yep, it is still so new and fun that things like that count. The summer has been great as we have gotten to know each other and explored what there is to see and do with a new partner in crime. but this has been VERY scary on a personal level. I have exposed myself and my issues and my insecurities in a way that I have never done before. And I have had to hold myself back from running away from him more times than I care to admit to myself.

I am sure that my weight is up, maybe 7 pounds from my post-surgery low. All of the beer and the wine and the meals out have added up, and the nights spent snuggling on the couch with a movie or sleeping in late (REALLY LATE) have decreased my activity level. But it was worth it, and I am getting back on track.

I was spot on with my eating today, went to the personal trainer for strength training, and walked two miles at lunch. I am also starting to train for a half marathon this week (oh please let me find the time for it and actually do it). I like being thin and healthy, and I want to be thinner and fitter, so I know what I must do.

If all of the hard work of losing weight prepared me for this, it was all worth it. :-)

On The Scale Again

2011-06-12T10:31:00.003-05:00

Yep, I did it. I stepped on the scale for the first time in forever. I thought it was time for a check-in even though my clothes say that everything is fine.

I was down 1 pound from the last time that I stepped on the scale, and up about 5 from my lowest post-surgery weigh in. I consider it a maintain, which is pretty amazing considering all of the eating and drinking that I have been doing the last month and a half! I also consider it a victory.

That being said, I am ready to lose the last 10-15 pounds that I want to lose. Or, better put, I am ready to lose the fat and gain more muscle. It is back on plan for me and I am ready. I basically eat low calorie (1200 to 1500) during the work week, and then allow myself some indulgences over the weekends depending on my plans. This works for me.

On the romance front, things are going very well with the man that I have been seeing this past month! I fall for him more and more every time that we are together. He is a really good person, and this whole taking it slow thing has made me feel very comfortable with him. So far, so good... very good!

I am off to the gym for a run, for the first time in over a month! I am still strength training two times a week with the trainer, but my daughter and I have been spending as much extra time (as weather permits) swimming after school/work. I start my half marathon training program in August, so as long as I have a decent mileage base until them I will be fine.

Life is good because I am choosing to focus on the positive and not to dwell on the not so good.

Old Habits Are Hard To Break

2011-05-29T12:07:00.002-05:00

I am a creature of habit. Most days I embrace this because it brings me comfort. I find satisfaction in my routines, especially eating routines, as long as I get to cut loose once a week or so. Lately, though, it has been a lot more than once a week, and it is wreaking havoc on my goals.

I am also a creature of habit in terms of the people in my life. This is both good and bad. Good because I truly care about the wonderful people who surround me on a regular basis, and because it makes me work at maintaining healthy friendships instead of retreating to my cave, which is often a temptation. Bad because I have trouble cutting people out of my life when they are no longer healthy for me. I certainly have done it, but usually something extreme has to happen for me to firmly terminate a relationship. It also helps when I do not have that person as a part of my day-to-day activities.

On Friday I fell back into an old habit. It was my own fault. I should not have emailed him the photo of one of his favorite restaurants, one of the places where we had an amazing date, as I passed it on my way to meet some friends for drinks. I knew better. And I should not have continued the communication when he responded to me about it. I knew better then, too. But the wine made everything seem so different, and I did what I wanted to do instead of what I knew I should do. And I probably would have anyway, wine or no wine.

And I *never* should have responded to his texts. Or agreed to talk to him on the phone at midnight. Or driven to his house at 1:00 AM. My poor decisions compounded, and I chose to do what I wanted in the moment instead of focusing on what was best in the long term. I allowed myself to be weak even though I knew better, just because it felt good... or made me feel something with depth, good and bad.

The positive side is that I know that it means nothing about the "future" of our relationship. We don't have a future except as co-workers and people who shared an intimate past. And I know that... and I finally accept that. Our phone conversation was the same one that we have had so many times in the past, about how he doesn't want to hurt me because he cares about me, and how the fact that we work together really flips him out, and that the risks are too great. That is his truth, and I accept that.

My truth is that I am getting to know another man who is a good man, who is emotionally and physically present, who makes me feel special and makes me feel that *I* am the one that he wants to be with... and I like him. I have no idea if things will work out with him, but I am enjoying the time that we spend together now. And I am not willing to trade this to go back into a habitual situation of emotional push and pull that has no potential for a happy future.

So I consider Friday to be my last hurrah with my co-worker. I enjoyed the hell out of it for what it was because I *knew* what it was, I went in with no inhibitions (which is a first with him), and I left on my own terms. Now I am done because I want to be done. I am breaking this habit.

So much of this parallels my eating. When the emotions kicked in, so did the binges. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and even this morning. I see the parallel. I get emotionally aroused with strong feelings and I try to quiet them and soothe myself with food. I blindly go into a binge to temporarily block out my thoughts. But this never works.

That is the other habit that I am breaking. Binging is a habit... a compulsive habit, much like smoking two to three packs a day used to be for me... but it is a habit. I quit smoking cold turkey in January 2000, and I am going to quit binging cold turkey in May of 2011. Two of the worst habits that I have/had. No more.

There are better options. I will choose the ones that don't destroy me. In all areas of my life.

Knock on Wood

2011-05-24T21:53:00.002-05:00

Things have been good these past two weeks. Like "knock on wood" good in a way that makes this (usually non-superstitious) woman want to avoid jinxing it.

My third online date was a success. I like him. He seems like a good man, and we have a lot in common. Thursday night will be our third date, and he has already asked me to go to a concert with him in July! I have a really great time with him, and I am looking forward to seeing him again. So far, so good... and we are taking it slowly. Time will tell.

This has made things at the office a bit easier, although not easy. But I have felt happy more than sad, and that in and of itself is a HUGE blessing

I also had a fantastic visit with a friend last weekend, and it felt like a vacation. I felt like a tourist in my own city, in the best way possible. His visit raised my spirits and renewed my sense of fun. It helped me find parts of myself that have been missing since last September, and showed me just how important a visit with a friend can be.

I have been in maintenance mode in terms of weight loss for awhile now. I have not stepped on the scale in weeks, but am going by the fit of my clothes now. And honestly, I am spot on with my eating and drinking on the days that I do not go out... but the progress is undone on the days that I do go out. So it is a break even thing for now, and I am kind of okay with that... but not for long.

I am going with"Life is Good" right now. That makes me happy.

A Heart Full of Hope

2011-05-14T14:13:00.002-05:00

I did well this week. I followed my food plan every day (except for a planned night out last night, and the eating was moderate). I worked out at least a little every day, even if it was just a quick up and down the 12 floors of stairs at lunch at work. I had my first therapy appointment. And I went on a first date.

The benefits:

1) My clothes fit me better after a good week back on plan.
2) I feel in control of my eating right now.
3) I got some "homework" from the therapist and am actively working on creating some emotional distance between me and my ex (yet still current coworker).
4) I had a great time on my date and have found that spark of hope that lives in my heart.

All of these things have made me a happier mother, daughter, friend, and coworker than I have been in recent weeks. Feeling in control of my eating really does set the stage for other things running more smoothly in my life.

Just One Thing - Day 2

2011-05-10T21:08:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness that I was in better spirits today. I really was at the end of my rope yesterday.

Let me think about the things that I did well today:

1) Followed my eating plan (and got in more calories than yesterday, but I still need to up them)
2) Took a 1.5 mile walk at lunch and enjoyed every minute of it
3) Dressed up a in a new outfit
4) Treated my co-worker with respect and as much positivity as I could manage in a very difficult situation
5) Treated myself to a pot of tea after work instead of hiding out by myself at home
6) Added value to the board meeting that I attended this evening
7) Found a place inside of me that is not romantically dead and responded to a "possibility" email
8) Made an appointment to talk to a therapist later this week - BIG +++

I beat my goal of five good things for today. Some of them seem small, but all of them took serious effort on my part because I am not feeling like myself. I'll call this a good day, too.

Onward to Day 3.

Just One Thing - Day 1

2011-05-09T21:07:00.002-05:00

I did one thing right today. I followed my eating plan. I will admit that I did not eat nearly enough calories today, but I will do better with that tomorrow.

I actually did two things right today by working out. I walked a mile at lunch, and then spent 20 minutes at The Exercise Coach on the strength machines.

And, if you count enjoying my daughter after I picked her up from school, then I even did three things right. And this one made someone else happy, too.

I think I am going to go out on a limb and say that I did four things right. I delivered a performance review to one of my team members and was able to give her a nice (very nice... very very nice) raise, and it made us both very happy. So I am claiming that as the fourth thing that I did right today.

So, even though I cried my way through most of the day, and despite the fact that I did some things very very wrong today, I can recall four things that I did right. I am going to go to bed on that high(ish) note.

And I am going to try to do at least five things right tomorrow.

Just One Thing

2011-05-08T20:38:00.003-05:00

I am struggling. With every single thing in my life. I have been crying since Friday, and even typing this is making me cry again.

I feel overwhelmed by everything, and I just want to run away. Or go hide in a cave, curled up in the fetal position.

So for this week, I am going to focus on doing one thing well. I am going to follow my eating plan. I have canceled all of the lunches and dinners out and nights of drinking with friends that I had planned so that I can pull back in for a week. I shopped tonight so that I have everything that I need for breakfast, lunch and dinner on hand for Monday through Friday.

Even if I continue to cry my way through the week, I will do one thing right.

Sign Me Up!

2011-05-03T20:46:00.001-05:00

Wait... I already signed up this morning!

My second half marathon will be the Aurora Half Marathon. Bring it.

Fresh Start

2011-05-01T18:19:00.003-05:00

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

-Mary Pickford

I have made mistakes. So many mistakes, big and small, and I continue to make them every day. I pay for the major ones that I made years ago even today, and I expect that pattern will continue for the rest of my life.

I find that my mistakes can compound if I let myself live in the guilt that I feel afterward. I cannot tell you how many classes I dropped in college because I would miss a class, feel guilty for missing a class and then miss a second class, and then feel too guilty to go back after missing so many classes that dropping it seemed like the best solution. I have been falling into that bad habit again, all of these years later, but now it is with my eating.

I overeat or eat something that I normally would not, and then I feel guilty and I compound it by making a day of it. Then I feel guilty about that day of overeating, and one day becomes two. Which becomes a week, and most recently the better part of two weeks. As the time goes on I become more compulsive about it, and it becomes binge eating. I was making this mistake again, even though I know where it takes me (and I *do not* like that place at all).

I have been eating my emotions. I have been letting stress manifest in overeating. I have been self-soothing with food, and sometimes I have been gorging myself just because it feels good to eat so much and the food tastes good. And all of this makes me feel very guilty, very fat, and very ugly (inside and out). It makes the rest of my life so much more difficult, so much more draining.

So I am starting fresh. Not tomorrow morning, or next week, but right now. I have not "ruined" anything by this diversion. I can still wear my clothes and I still look decent in them. I have not gained a significant amount of weight back. But I am choosing to start over, to let go of these recent mistakes and get back up, to do what works for me and what makes me feel good about myself. I am going back to class, and I am going to learn the material this time.

Stick A Fork In Me

2011-04-27T19:52:00.002-05:00

Because I am done. Done with this whole dating thing for awhile, unless something truly earth-shaking literally comes and shakes the ground beneath my feet. I swear that almost every guy that I have met wants to dirty text with me and, um, no... what ever happened to subtlety?!?

I am also done with surgical complications. After my last post, I ended up back at the surgeon's office with yet ANOTHER infection just one week later. And cut open AGAIN. I am hoping that I am finally on the mend. Our hypothesis is that I am reacting to the internal sutures that were used in me. It has been very discouraging.

That being said, I started working out again last night. I went to the trainer, and I am easing back in. I plan to fit in a couple of runs this weekend (although I wish I could be at a gathering of my friends near Louisville as I had planned before all of my sick and vacation days went down the toilet with complications and re-hospitalizations). I am really looking forward to nicer weather so that I can get back outside for more runs as that is what I miss most.

Weight-wise... I have no idea. I am staying off of the scale for awhile because I was driving myself crazy with it all. I know that I have been eating my feelings these last few weeks (can you say "Easter candy"?), but I am focusing on controlling THAT and not on the number on the scale. My clothes fit me, I feel okay, I am starting to work out again, and my eating has been healthy since Easter so I am calling it a success for now. I know that I still want to lose about 10 pounds of fat, but it is going to be the slow and steady way and not the obsessive way. So no scale until I feel more stable about minor fluctuations.

The good news is that I went clothes shopping for summer items last weekend and it was a big win. I spent FAR too much, but it was one of those shopping trips where I felt like almost everything fit. I brought 9 pairs of size 8 capris into the dressing room with me as I gave myself the pep talk that I couldn't get discouraged when they all did not fit because every brand has different sizing... and then they all fit. And so did the shirts. And the skirt. And the shorts. And the summer sweaters, the Born shoes, the purse, the cotton pants, the tank tops and camisoles and underwear (okay, I did not try THAT on there but they do fit). And now my bank account hurts.

Cleared for Exercise!

2011-04-11T19:54:00.002-05:00

After nine weeks of "walking only" exercise restriction, my surgeon cleared me for exercise today! Woo-Hoo! As you might imagine, I just came home from my first run at the gym. It was my first run since January, and oh how I missed it. Seriously, I had a total runner's high about 15 minutes after completing the run, and I was all blissed out. :)

Besides my 0.4 mile warm-up and cool down, I walked ran one mile, then walked one mile, and then ran one mile. My average pace with the walking and running combined was in the high 12 minute range, so I was pleased.

Friday will be my first strength training session. So excited!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.... I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK in the saddle again!

15 Years Later... Dating Still Sucks

2011-04-02T15:23:00.002-05:00

Well, I went on two online dating "dates" this week. I had a nice time on both, good conversation with nice guys, but no connection on a romantic level for me. Both have asked me out again and I figure that I will give each a second "date", but if it in not there then I will be honest so we can all move on.

Disappointing. And I seriously forgot just how much I hate dating.

And both led me to wildly over-indulge in Easter candy afterward. Stress and disappointment eating. Add a horrible week at work with my co-worker to the dating stuff and it was binge-o-rama.

On other (more positive and productive) fronts, I took a Knife Skills class this morning and LOVED it! I really improved my technique (if I even had one before the class, which certainly is debatable), and I have a new Shun santoku knife in my possession. After trying almost all of the knives available for us to try, I liked that one the best. And I plan to put it to good use in my kitchen. I also plan to take more cooking lessons at this place because it was really fun!

And now I can dice an onion like a pro. :-)

Return To Me

2011-03-31T21:33:00.003-05:00

I am doing some re-evaluating.

I have decided that I want to undertake a one-year plan for a better me. After this round of dating, I am going to back WAY off and refocus on myself for the next year. Cut back on going out, get back to the gym as soon as I can, and undertake a serious life makeover program:

BODY - Lowering my body fat percentage while increasing my muscle mass and going to Level 2/next steps with the plastic surgeon

MIND - Getting myself back in a healthy self-care routine after all of the crap with my co-worker/ex-lover that has distracted me and made me hate myself for the past 6+ months

and

SOUL - Getting my house de-cluttered, focusing on things that make me feel good about myself, focusing on my child and my friends and family and people who actually love me… and giving my energy to THEM instead of to uncaring energy vampires as I have been doing lately

Tomorrow is April 1^st, and I declare it my “Return To Me” start date. It is time to shift my focus back from seeking love outside of myself to cultivating love for myself. That is the hardest thing for me right now, to love myself despite all of my obvious flaws and in spite of all of the ways that I have damaged myself with my life decisions over the year. To make the most of what I have left. To become the best that I can be with what I still have. And to realize that no one else can make me whole or fix me.

It's a sort of homecoming, and it is about time.

Expect the Unexpected

2011-03-29T20:48:00.002-05:00

Since I last posted, I have been admitted to the hospital again... twice. I have spent most of the last week in a hospital bed, and I am DONE. I ran into a complication from surgery, a horrible infection almost 6 weeks after the fact. They had to open me back up a bunch and now it has to heal from the inside out. So gross.

That being said, I had a fun weekend planned and had to miss it. I was going to go out with a girlfriend for a quick after-work drink last Thursday (canceled), out in downtown Chicago with another girlfriend on Friday night (no go... readmitted to the hospital at noon), first date on Saturday night (nope, but rescheduled for this Thursday night so YEA), fourth date on Sunday afternoon (and I was excited to try that sushi place, but had to skip it)... yeah, you get the picture. That hospital bed seemed even bleaker.

I came home last night and hope to stay out for good. Grrr. The only good thing was that a package with a bunch of new clothes that I ordered was waiting for me, and I loved them for the most part. Bought some Perfect Bootcut dark wash jeans (8 Long) from The Gap and they look awesome! Also got a faux wrap dress on closeout from Banana Republic for $27.00 (8 Tall), and it rocks. But my favorite may be the zip-side pencil skirt from The Gap (8 Tall). Awesome!

I have not even weighed myself for a week and a half because I am bloated from being on IVs, being on a clear liquid diet, then eating crappy hospital food while sitting on my butt in the bed all day, not to mention the swelling from the infection and incision itself. Yuck. I do not need to further depress myself. But I know that it is temporary, and I am back on track now that I am out and able to eat what I want.

Well, hopefully the hospitalizations are in the past and the healing will be speedy. Unfortunately the surgeon has banned me from exercise except for walking until my follow-up in April. Boo. That really upsets me, but I have to focus on first things first and the healing is first.

Wish me luck with the two first dates that I have this weekend. I figure that, since this whole online dating thing is an adventure for me, I am going to go for it and have some fun. :-)

Luck o' the Irish - St. Patrick's Day 2011

2011-03-18T15:35:00.002-05:00

I had a whirlwind St. Patty's Day this year... wow! I went on another date with the man that I met last weekend. He took me out for sushi, and we had a great time. I do enjoy him, but I am taking this slowly because I know that my emotions are still tied up with my (hot and cold, on and off) co-worker. I need to cut those ties before I can really give someone else a chance, so I am dating and severing ties all at the same time.

After that date, I went to meet a friend at a local pub for drinks (at 9:00 PM), and ended up meeting a guy there, too. It was a fun evening, but he is from out of town so I do not expect it to go anywhere. But it was nice to hang around with a strong and cute man for the rest of the evening, too.

I really lucked out on St. Patty's Day! :-)

I am also communicating with another man via email, and he is supposed to call me this weekend. As far as emailing goes, he has been the most fun to write with yet. He is well written, well educated, and expressive. Our banter has been excellent.

I guess I am just trying to expose myself to different people right now, to compare and contrast and enjoy myself until something just clicks with someone (and they also have that click with me). But I will say that it is wonderful to be with guys who want to be with me, too, and who don't keep pushing me away/pulling me close/pushing me away like work man did/does to me.

On another note, my buckling down on the eating after all of the beer last weekend worked because I weighed in at 155.9 this week! Alright! 10.9 pounds to goal. I must say that I enjoy wearing my shirts tucked into my pants and wearing cute belts to highlight my waist. It helps me make good food choices on a regular basis.

And only 2 weeks and 3 days until I am cleared for exercise again! So excited!

Beer

2011-03-13T21:19:00.002-05:00

I drank too much beer this weekend. Fat Tire, 312, Blue Moon, Green Beer... TOO MUCH BEER. I feel bloated, and will be skipping the alcohol for awhile.

The good news is that I had a lot of fun this weekend. Never actually got drunk (which is a good thing), but was out for hours and hours and hours each night/day. And came home with a smile each time.

Friday I met a new friend out in the city for some after work fun. Six hours and two locations later I made my way home on the last train. An excellent start to the weekend. :)

Saturday I went to a memorial service for a neighbor that passed away. When I arrived there, I got a text inviting me out for some afternoon festivities with a friend that I was supposed to meet for dinner that evening. I was in the mood for some impromptu fun, so I headed down to start the St. Patty's Day festivities early. I met some fun women, had a great lunch, drank some green beer... and met a nice guy. My friend saw an old co-worker of hers check in on Facebook and mention that he was headed to the place where we were at, and she had a light bulb moment in thinking that we might like each other. Which we did.

We actually spent the rest of the evening with him and his friends, and we had a great time. He asked me out for a date today, and ended the evening with some kisses as I left. Excellent.

We met in the city today and spent six hours exploring and having lunch and enjoying some adult beverages at the train station while we waited for my train to come. We will see if it goes anywhere, but it felt great to be on a real date. And I enjoy his company.

The flip side of that is that I *did not* go out on the date as planned with the online person that I mentioned in my last post, and that is a decidedly GOOD thing. He called and texted me almost every day this week, and it all just became unpleasant because there was such a strong sexual overtone to everything. Yuck. I mean get to know me first before you try to get me to send you dirty texts (seriously????). At least meet me in person first... blech.

So the weekend turned out differently that I expected, but for the better in my opinion. Here's to my first real date (where I can call it a date and not "whatever we are doing" as it was with my co-worker). Life is moving on, and hopefully in an excellent direction.

Adventures in Dating - Part 1

2011-03-07T21:24:00.002-06:00

I spoke with a man on the phone twice today after exchanging some emails on the dating site that I joined last Thursday. He asked me to go out tonight, but I have my daughter so that is a no go. He is going out of town until Sunday afternoon, but asked me out for Sunday night. Hopefully Date #1!

I think he is a bit of a player, but that's okay because 1) I do not plan on giving it up that easily and 2) I am not looking for an insta-relationship. I want to find a few guys to have some fun evenings out with until I find that one that makes me forsake all others. And that may take awhile, because the man who is with me is going to have to be focused on anything BUT my body since it is all messed up.

That's the scariest part. There are a few men that I am communicating with, but I feel like a fraud. Like I present a good picture at first glance... a nice face, a body that looks okay with clothes on... but once the onion is peeled, YIKES. I have to figure out how I want to handle that, but for right now I just want to go out and enjoy a few dates. And hopefully I will.

On another note, I finally broke down and bought some new clothes since mine are so baggy right now. I still want to lose about 13 pounds so I do not want to go crazy with the wardrobe spending, but I especially needed some new jeans. I bought some Levis in a size 8 long, and then some Old Navy jeans in a size 8 long. So I guess I really am in a size 8 long at this point. I am also most certainly in a size Medium top, and even picked up a size Small dress from Old Navy, although I would have preferred a Medium because it was a bit shorter than I usually wear.

So there you have it. Talked to one man on the phone and made a date, got a second email from another one (who is young compared to me, but has a face and joking demeanor that makes me want to go have a beer with him). I'm calling this a good start!

Moving On

2011-03-05T19:46:00.002-06:00

I took the plunge and signed up for one of the Internet dating sites on Thursday night. The responses have been pretty interesting! Most of them are NOs off the bat, but I have actually written to a few of the men who have emailed me. I know that it is like mining for gold, but I am going to take it as an adventure and just see what comes my way. I'll be rejected, I will reject some, but even if I find a couple of nice men to go out with occasionally then it will be worth it. AND it will take my mind off the man who has been messing with my heart and my head these last six months. And that alone was worth the sign-up fee.

Wish me luck!

Weekly Weigh-In

2011-02-25T20:47:00.001-06:00

Down 2.2 pounds this week.

157.8

Hello 150's! Nice to see you! :)

Suckfest 2011

2011-02-22T16:16:00.003-06:00

The last 24 hours have been a total suckfest. I want a fucking do-over (please excuse the profanity if you are sensitive).

Today was the day that I was going to return to the office. I had initially planned to work from home this week, but my job is such that I really need to be there to be effective. Although I am only two weeks out from surgery, I thought I could handle it if I drove myself in instead of taking public transportation so that I could leave early if necessary.

So it is Monday night, the night before my big return to work, and of course this is the night that my work "friend" decides that "we should talk". So excellent to break things off (again) right before I return to the office to go back to work with him. Begin SUCKFEST.

Tuesday morning comes. Have had a crappy night of sleep, am up before my 5:30 a.m. alarm, and end up tired and ready for a nap after showering, getting dressed, getting the child dressed, feeding the both of us, and getting her to my mom's since school is closed. And it is only 7:00 a.m.

Onward to work. Driving on the (insanely packed) expressway into the city. Listening to the Black Eyed Peas way too loudly to drown out the unhappy voices in my brain from the discussion the night before. DING DING DING DING!!! What's that? My van is... OVERHEATING??? How is this possible when the heat isn't even working???

It *is* indeed possible. What to do? Pull off of the expressway at the next exit, find a safe place to park, and call AAA for a tow. And it is all of 7:30 a.m.

Tow truck arrives at 9:00 a.m. I am frozen from sitting in a cold car for an hour and a half. And, just two weeks out of major surgery, I hurt my abdomen pulling myself up to sit in the tow truck. Fucking awesome.

Onward to the service station. We drop off the van, and my brother is on his way to pick me up and take me home. 10:00 a.m. I arrive at home, go to the couch, and fall asleep for the next two hours. My favorite form of avoidance when I do not want to binge eat or cry my flipping eyes out.

Ring, ring... it's the service station! Van is royally fucked up. When all is said and done, the cost is $1030. Nice, especially after having to replace the fuel pump last month to the tune of $670. SUCKFEST CONTINUES.

(excuse me for a moment... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... primal scream therapy minute)

Some days just suck. This was one of them.

I'm Still Alive

2011-02-17T19:03:00.002-06:00

I am back home. I have been home since Monday night. Still healing, and I have my post-op appointment tomorrow morning. I am hoping to get the go ahead to work from home starting next Tuesday.

I am working through a bunch of emotional issues, which is why I have been quiet thus far. But it feels good to be physically on the mend, that's for sure. When I have the energy, I'll recap the experience.

See You On The Other Side Of This

2011-02-07T23:31:00.002-06:00

It is time. I am leaving for the hospital tomorrow at 6:30 a.m. And I am ready for this to be over so that I can get healed and get back in the game. Time to kick it into high gear and hit my goal. Time to be the best that I can be, and give the best that I can give.

Thanks to all of my friends who reached out to me these last few days when I have been having a mini-midlife crisis around this whole thing. So many feelings converged... flashbacks to surgeries past when I was so sick, feeling like I was all alone and regretting the relationship choices that I have made in my life, the fear that I will not be able to manage my life these next 6 to 8 weeks while limited in my abilities... so many things.

But this too shall pass. My mom has stepped up to help me. Emotional support has come from both the most likely and the most unlikely places. And I feel like I just want to finish this and move on with living my life. I hope it unfolds brilliantly.

See you next week!

Weekly Weigh In

2011-01-29T10:12:00.003-06:00

I am now just over a week away from surgery, and I am getting very stressed about it. The big concerns that are running through my mind are:

1) How I will care for my child, my animals, and myself during recovery
2) Missing work for three weeks (Will they still need me?)
3) Being totally out of commission with working out for at least 8 weeks

It is amazing that the exercise thing made the top three, but it truly is higher than things like my concerns about physical pain, hospitalization, and huge new scars. Exercise has been a big piece of my puzzle in losing all of this weight, and it scares me to be away from it and lose all of my gains.

I have been working with my new trainer for two weeks now, and I have actually seen changes in some of my muscles. I will be going back after I am able to work out again. I really think that strength training is what I need to help me achieve the rest of my body reshaping goals (short of plastic surgery, which will follow at some point). I love the cardio and will keep it up, but the strength addition twice a week will stay.

Now, onto my weigh in. I am happy to say that I was 165.8 yesterday morning, just 10.8 pounds away from my current personal goal. At almost 5' 11", my BMI is now 23.8.

All in all, a good few weeks!

The Countdown is On

2011-01-15T10:55:00.004-06:00

My looming surgery is starting to get the best of me in terms of nerves. I have a list a mile long of things that need to be in place to take care of my 9 year old child, 5 animals, and home while I am in the hospital for 7 days and then out of commission for another 14 days. It is a daunting list, and I start tackling it today.

Add to that the fact that I know how much surgery takes out of me and how long the road to recovery is, and I am flipping out a bit. The good news about that is that I am really focused on being as healthy as possible going into the surgery, so I have not been having any problems sticking to healthy foods and keeping all of the partying that I was doing at bay. I weighed in at 168 yesterday, so the slow and steady downward trend continues.

I am mixing up my exercise routine again, though, starting today. I started working with a new trainer. His philosophy is 20 minutes twice a week, strength work with very very very slow movements until muscle exhaustion. My biggest goal now is to lose body fat and replace it with lean muscle, so he is perfectly in line with that. He told me that, in addition to helping me lose the excess fat, he would like to add about 5 pounds of muscle to my frame.

Our first session today took me to a place with leg presses that I have never been. He had me pressing 100 pounds, which is not unusual for me as I usually set the machine for 100 to 120 pounds when I do it at the gym, but the slow reps and movement techniques that he had me focus on brought me to a crazy level of burning in my quads. And then he worked with me to continue through the burning and override the psychological urge to quit when my muscles were still actually strong and able to work. It was hard!!! But it was satisfying. I go back again on Wednesday, and I am really looking forward to it.

This weekend I am locking myself in to tackle the house. Deep cleaning and decluttering, and even getting rid of my main TV and gorgeous wood and beveled glass cabinet for it because it is just too big for my area. Not the TV per se, but the cabinet. And the cabinet limits me from getting a nicer TV because nothing bigger will really fit in it other than the 32" huge TV from 1998. But that means that I need a new TV, so I am trying to figure out how much I want to spend on that.

Decisions, decisions.

Normal

2011-01-07T18:56:00.002-06:00

My weigh in this morning put me in the 160s (169.6, to be exact), so I have passed through the "dreaded" 170s where I have been stuck for most of the last year. It also put me at a BMI of 24.3.

Normal.

I am no longer classified as Overweight on the BMI scale, and could claim GOAL at WW if I chose to do so because the high end of my weight range is 174. But I know that I am not there yet. I "officially" want to lose 14.4 more pounds, but it will really depend on what my body looks like when I get there. What I specifically want to do is lower my body fat percentage and increase my muscle mass, so once I get the all clear after surgery to start working out again I am going to make that my formal goal.

My main focus for losing the weight was to get healthier. I feel that I have achieved that now, and need to focus on maintaining it. For the past two years, my blood work has been spot on in all areas (although I was told that my total cholesterol was a little low at 124 last year by some crazy nurse). And my surgeon scheduled a pre-op appointment for me that excluded both an assessment with the anesthesiologist and a full blood panel because he feels that I am healthy enough for surgery without having to check those. So that makes me happy.

After losing so much weight I am certainly not normal. My body looks NOTHING like it did when I last weighed this 13 years ago. My fat percentage is way too high because, even with a healthy plan, some of the weight loss was lean muscle tissue. But there is only so much that I can change, so I am going to focus on the things under my control and start saving my pennies for the multiple visits to the plastic surgeon that I see in my future!

Because now comes the vain part, the part that so many people are not comfortable discussing... the "look good naked" part. I may never look good naked again in full light (hello crazy-bad stretchmarks, I am talking about YOU), but I can look better than I do now with a combination of further weight loss, cardio, weights, and some nips and tucks. And I am not ashamed to admit that I will be pursuing all of those options.

1/1/11

2011-01-01T20:14:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year!

I rang in the new year quietly last night, with my mom and the cats and some champagne. Slept in this morning, and then spent a leisurely morning reading on the couch.

Then I went to the gym an ran 3.1 miles to start the new year off right. After lunch, I did a 45 minute kettlebell workout (with 15 and 20 pound kettlebells) and then took a long bubble bath.

After dinner I tackled the dismantling of the Christmas tree, and now I plan to spend some time with the new issue of Cooking Light. All in all, a quiet, productive, and *simple* New Year's Day.

Tomorrow is my daughter's 9th birthday. As she is with her father this weekend, I will be meeting them out for breakfast to celebrate the big day. Then it is running and kettlebells, laundry and cleaning, grocery shopping and weekly prep for back to school and full week of work.

It may not be exciting, but this first weekend of the year is just my speed. With no drama to boot. Welcome 2011!

Counting Down the Hours

2010-12-31T13:52:00.002-06:00

I will not be sad to see 2010 end and 2011 begin. I am one of those people who chose to regard a new year as a time to begin anew and make positive changes in my life. Not that there is magic in a new year, but that it allows me to focus my mind on a fresh start... and we all know that our minds really can determine our success or failure, or at the least how we view our lives.

The important thing, though, is not just to want to make positive changes in the new year but to actually do the work required to actualize those changes. To enter every day with the goal of making it the best that it can be. I have settled for less than I deserve this year, both from myself and from others, but this is not something that I want to continue to do. I am worth more. I will treat myself as a priority, and consciously move away from those who do not treat me properly. Conversely, I will focus on treating those who are important to me with love and respect and attentiveness.

2010 has ended on a negative note for me due to interpersonal issues, but there were many wonderful times during this past year, too. I am going to choose to hold those happy times close in my mind and heart, and let the negative ones go with the wind.

Some 2010 memorable moments for me were:

Training for and running my first half marathon in May
Luau Party with friends in IN in July/August
Renegade Craft Fair with friends in September
MI/IN trip with my mom and some friends in October
Vegas Trip in October
Trick or Treat Trot 10K weekend with friends in October
Disneyworld with my daughter and mother in December

Some of my other wonderful times in 2010 have been rendered painful now based on recent events, but I did experience some beautiful and romantic nights out this past year, too. Hopefully I will be able to think of them without regret sometime in the future because they certainly were important to me in 2010.

That being said, tomorrow I am embarking upon my 2011 plan to simplify my life. My daughter is with her father this weekend, and I plan to use this free time to begin the work of decluttering my house. I will also create a meal plan for this week and do our grocery shopping, wash our clothes, put away the Christmas decorations, and go to the gym for runs.

A Very Happy New Year to all of you!!!

Simple

2010-12-25T19:28:00.007-06:00

Not the first word that comes to mind when describing my life. Not in the top 10... or even the top 100. But it is the root of my focus for 2011.

Simple.
Simplicity.
Simplify.

Instead of making resolutions last year, I chose a word to use as a theme of sorts for my year.

The word for 2010 was:

FOCUS

- The concentration of attention or energy on something
- Maximum clarity or distinctness of an image rendered by an optical system
- Concentrate: direct one's attention on something
- Cause to converge on or toward a central point

I will focus on achieving my weight loss and fitness goals while also focusing on the wonderful life that I have, paying more attention to the here and now with my family and friends. I will not wish away my time because I want to look different, but will instead focus on enjoying what I have and what I can do now. I will live my life with more awareness and appreciation.

I received this quote in my Inbox this week from The Happiness Project daily email:

"Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!"
— Henry David Thoreau

It made me think about all of the things that take my time away from living the life that I have the way that I would like to live it, and thus the word that I am choosing for 2011 is:

SIMPLIFY

- To make less complex or complicated; make plainer or easier

I will focus on simplifying my life. I will eliminate the things that I no longer love or use so that I can spend less time taking care of items and more time enjoying experiences. I will create maintainable routines that work for me and focus of making my life less complex. I will focus on what is in the now instead of complicating my life with the regrets of the past or the worries of the future.

Lofty goals, but I am aiming high.

The Dress

2010-12-18T08:29:00.004-06:00

The photos are not particularly flattering, but here I am in my dress for the company holiday party last night.

Too little food + co-worker who admitted that the bartender was putting three shots in each of my drinks = a rough morning. :(

Post-Disney Weekly Weigh-In

2010-12-17T07:52:00.002-06:00

Down 1.7 pounds, to 175.2! BMI 25.1. One more pound and I am "NORMAL" (hahahaha, right).

Less than 8 weeks until surgery.

Company holiday party tonight in a new dress. Hopefully I will have some photos to post this weekend so that everyone can see it.

How Long Does It Take?

2010-12-12T19:36:00.003-06:00

I have been running (and I use the term loosely because it includes my Couch to 5 K days) for about 2 1/2 years now. I can safely say that I did not enjoy a single run my first year. I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment, the idea of it once it was over, and maybe even the spent feeling when I was done, but I did not enjoy the run while it was in progress.

The second year brought some enjoyable runs because I felt confident enough to run outside when the weather permitted. I enjoyed the whole experience of my outdoor runs... the sun, the weather, the trees and scenery, the music, and feeling like I was part of something. I also trained for and completed a half marathon, and I felt proud. I even called myself a runner to others.

This weekend I ran about 3 1/2 miles both Saturday and Sunday. Regular old runs on the track at my gym, same old music that I have been listening to for weeks. But the thing is that I enjoyed THE RUN ITSELF. I pushed myself, I got lost in my movement, and I felt good WHILE running. It was a different experience for me. I looked forward to getting on the track, felt happy while I was running, and felt peaceful afterward. Did it take me 2 1/2 years to enjoy the run itself? Or do we just move through different levels of enjoyment the longer that we run?

I don't know the answer, but I do know that I hope it continues to feel like this!

And I'm Back

2010-12-11T12:41:00.003-06:00

Back to reality after an amazing vacation with my daughter. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom, but she came down with such a nasty cold that it was a miserable trip for her.

In terms of enjoyment and those goals, it was a win! I cannot say that I didn't think about the situation (especially since he texted me while I was there), but I refocused as quickly as possible on enjoying my time away. I'll deal with it now that I am back.

As for my food-related goals, yeah, not so much. I ate like a monster. Luckily I also walked around like a crazy woman, and actually spent a great deal of time racing short distances with my 8 year old to burn off extra energy.

Intentional exercise? Nope. After being in a park from 8:45 am until 7:30 pm and navigating Disney transportation for another hour, it just didn't happen. But I walked my little heart out each and every day!

Now that we are home, I am heading to the gym for a run now and am back on WW Points Plus hard core. I have a sexy new dress to wear at my company holiday party this Friday, and I plan on feeling pretty in it!

I'm Not Ready!!!

2010-12-06T21:44:00.002-06:00

Vacation time is upon me. It is almost 10:00 pm. The cab will be here at 6:00 am. I have not packed yet. Thus, it is time to get off my ass and get some packing done before I head off to the happiest place in the world.

But, before I do, I want to put some things out there so that I remember what I WANT and what I DO NOT WANT to do on this vacation.

I WANT:

To enjoy some focused time with my daughter and my mother. Life is short.
To disentangle myself from all of this failed relationship crap and get back to the business of living a happy life.
To focus on healthier food choices and increased activity so that I maintain or lose weight while away.

I DO NOT WANT:

To waste my vacation dwelling on negative thoughts.
To be crabby when I have the opportunity to have fun.
To be distracted from what is right in front of me.
To use vacation as an excuse to eat like a crazy woman.

I weighed in at 176 this morning. A new low after my "official" Friday weigh-in of 176.9. I want to make sure that I come back next weekend equal to or lower than where I am now. Shallow, yes, but I am on a roll and I want to keep it going. Thus I have checked out the fitness room at the hotel, have prepared my running shoes and workout clothes, and have made a commitment to include some form of intentional exercise every day, no matter how little. I want to come back from this vacation feeling happy, feeling like it was time well spent and time that added to the joy in my life... not feeling like a setback occurred in that area.

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks until my surgery, and I want to make sure that I am in the best possible physical and mental place that I can be when that time comes. At this point I cannot afford to waste a week... so I won't. I will enjoy this week in a healthy manner, and come back a happier person in so many ways.

First Points Plus Weekly Weigh In

2010-12-03T18:26:00.004-06:00

Okay, I have only been on it since Monday, but I am LOVING the new Points Plus Plan. Bravo, WW!!!!

And this week's weigh in had me down 4.8 pounds! So even though I was up 1.2 last week, I am still down 3.6 in general and in VFT (virgin fat territory). I have not seen this weight for 12 years!

I am now 0.4 BMI points from being "NORMAL". So I am going to focus on eating well during my vacation next week to the happiest place on earth. And, let me tell you, I could USE some happiness after the horrible emotional week that I have had. You know it is bad when you actually ask yourself if some of the weight loss this week could honestly be due to dehydration from crying so much.

Either way, I am inspired to continue losing and get as close to goal as possible by my surgery date, so I am going to run tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday because it is unlikely that I will run until I get home next weekend.

And on that note, I am off to change for the gym!

Brief Updates

2010-11-30T20:07:00.003-06:00

1) November Mileage Total: 44.3 miles!!! Best month since April. Oh yeah.

2) Surgery officially scheduled for 2/8. 10 weeks from today. On the march to goal.

3) Relationship over, as of yesterday. Very painful. So many tears. Waiting for life to go on.

4) Less than 10 days until I turn 41. How did THAT happen????

Both Sad & Happy

2010-11-29T19:26:00.002-06:00

I just checked my mileage stats for the month of November: 41.1 miles. WOW!!! Happy.

The sad part is that it is EXACTLY equal to the sum total of my mileage in June, July, August, September, and October: 41.1 miles. YIKES!!! Sad.

But back to Happy: I still have one more day left in November and I am planning to run tomorrow, so it looks like my mileage for this single month will BEAT my combined mileage for the previous five months. And that's a BIG HAPPY. :-)

Thanksgiving Photos

2010-11-28T17:18:00.003-06:00

I must confess that I wear jeans to work EVERY day. That is one of the biggest reasons why I love working in Engineering! I never dress up unless I have to, like dinner out with vendors or the company holiday party. Even when I go out with friends, it is always jeans and a casual shirt.

But last weekend I indulged in a bit of retail therapy and bought three skirts. I wore one to work on Monday because we had vendors in town for an all-day meeting and were then going out for dinner at a nice restaurant. Seriously, I could not believe the response. So many compliments.

So I decided to wear my new outfit on Thanksgiving, and one of the other guests captured me in photos. This is the first short skirt (short for me) that I have worn in about 15 years! Not too bad... might do it more often since I had my butt grabbed four times during the course of the evening!

Post-Thanksgiving Weigh-In

2010-11-28T08:32:00.002-06:00

+1.2 pounds

And it is not at all unexpected. I overate (and over-drank) last weekend while out with a friend, went out for a huge dinner with vendors from Taiwan on Monday night, ate my share of baked goods from the man in our department who really knows how to cook... and then there was Thanksgiving Day. I will say no more about that food fest. Yikes! So a 1.2 pound gain is not only expected, but certainly managable.

Since the Turkey Trot 5K on Thursday morning, I have run at least the equivalent of a 5K each day of this long weekend. I have also been tracking my points closely, so I am back on track. I am looking forward to seeing the changes that Weight Watchers in rolling out tomorrow, and like the sound of zero point fruits and (many) veggies! I am ready to shake it up a bit.

Still dealing with my emotional issues, but at least I have a better attitude about ending the situation. It is the right thing to do, even though it hurts like crazy right now. And I am leaving for vacation with my daughter in a handful of days so I want my mind to be fully present there and not wondering about next steps with a man.

After Disney, it is time for me to focus on getting as close to goal as possible before surgery. It was initially scheduled for 2/11, but the surgeon is unavailable that day so I will have it between 1/30 and 2/10. I just want it to be OVER so that I can heal and move on with my life.

Turkey Trot 5K - 2010

2010-11-25T14:25:00.005-06:00

This morning I ran my third Thanksgiving morning Turkey Trot 5K. It was the race that almost wasn't.

I decided to bail on it last night when I read the weather forecast. Too cold, maybe rain and maybe snow. And I had just finished a crappy week and was deep into a bottle of wine. I promised myself that I would go to the gym and run an equivalent distance, but not outside at the race proper.

When I went over to my mom's this morning before the gym... it wasn't too bad outside. And I realized that I had no excuse to skip the race. So I pinned on my bib and went. I am so glad that I did that.

I actually ran a PR. 34:28, which was just about 1 1/2 minutes faster than last year, and 45 seconds faster than my previous PR. And frankly I could have trimmed at least 30 seconds off my time had the walkers actually went to the BACK of the pack like they were instructed to do. I actually spent quite some time weaving through people and children and dogs and strollers, and had to resort to running on the sidewalks several times.

Regardless, I pushed myself and it was a great run. My first mile was 10:15. At mile 2, I was averaging 10:45 per mile. I slowed down a bit and finished with a mile time average just over 11:00 per mile. Cool!

And I was proud of myself for just doing it. And just doing it for ME, for no one else.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Thought for the Day

2010-11-17T20:46:00.000-06:00

Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?

- Caroline Myss

Sneak Peek

2010-11-16T20:36:00.002-06:00

Even though my weigh-in day is not until Friday, I jumped on for a sneak peek today and saw a number in the 170s! Let's hope it sticks! The lowest that I have been in the last 12 years is 178.8, so the 170s is a weight decade that I look forward to moving (downward) through and out of... and into the 160s. It is one of those sticking point weight places for me, so I want to loosen the shackles and get past the 170s and to my goal!

Happiness and Authenticity

2010-11-14T21:08:00.002-06:00

CLICK HERE to watch the video that wins the prize for the best 20 minutes that I spent this weekend (besides playing games with my daughter, of course!).

She's funny... and her message rings true for me.

Weekly Weigh In Results

2010-11-13T12:15:00.002-06:00

Down 0.9 pounds. That makes two weeks in a row, which is good news. I also fit in three runs this week (although calling the one-miler on my treadmill a real run is kind of a stretch). All in all a good week.

Ran 4.4 miles this morning. A sanity run to quiet the voices in my head. Planning another one tomorrow. I am trying to work back up to 5 mile runs as that is a good sweet spot for each of my three weekly runs.

Still struggling emotionally, on many levels, but I need to just exit the situation I have been in and move on. I'll chalk it up to a near miss. As #14 on a cute email that I received said "If you are in a relationship that has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it." Enough said.

And Then One Day You Realize

2010-11-09T21:16:00.002-06:00

that losing weight does not fix everything that you think is wrong with your life. Sure, it makes so many things much, much better, but it does not alleviate self-doubt or loneliness. It does not fix all of the problems with your body, but sometimes points out new ones that no amount of weight loss or exercise can erase. And it certainly does not guarantee love or companionship or successful relationships.

I am aware of my hang-ups and insecurities, as much as anyone can be since I am sure I cannot see them all. Now the question is whether or not I am willing to try to overcome them, or if I am going to retreat and hide and eliminate the risk of being hurt or rejected. They were there, although maybe in a slightly different form, when I was heavy and they are here now with over 100 pounds gone. And now they are screaming at me because they did not disappear when the weight left like I hoped they would, like I prayed they would. Not that I *really* thought that they would all go away... but I guess I just had no idea how much I would let them hold me back.

Now I know how much I am letting them hold me back. I am watching myself enjoy things less because I am so disappointed with my body and so afraid to disappoint if seen for what I really am. I am running away, and I don't know how to fix that.

I still have a lot of work to do, and it really doesn't involve a number on the scale or a clothing size anymore. I don't even know where to start.

Weekly Weigh In

2010-11-05T21:50:00.002-05:00

A near miracle, I tell you! Between the Vegas food and beverage extravaganza (Border Grill, Emeril's New Orleans Fish House, 'Wich Craft, Mesa Grill, Bouchon, and all of the drinking), Frontera Grill (complete with more margaritas than I care to count), and a phenomenal weekend with my friends that included Chicago-style pizza, Sweet Tomatoes, and a huge breakfast out, I am still down 1.4 pounds in the last two weeks!

I'll take it! I even went for a short run tonight to keep the mojo going. Life is good!

Find Your Way Back

2010-11-02T20:18:00.004-05:00

Whew, have I been off track with my exercise lately. My running has slacked off since July, and I have not really seen my trainer for about a month. Besides the (very) occasional run and a ton of walking in Vegas, I have been pretty lazy about getting any intentional exercise.

But something has clicked again. Now that I am about three months out from surgery, I am motivated to lose the rest of the weight that I want to shed. Truth be told I am only about 5 pounds up from my lowest weight in the past 12 years, so that is good, but I would still like to lose about 23 pounds to get back to my post-college weight.

Thus, I have been counting points again since coming back from Vegas and, other than some planned indulgent meals last weekend, things have been pretty tame on the eating front.

I ran a 10K with my friend Donna last weekend and, even though I have not run more than 5 miles since my half marathon in May, it was excellent. I even went to the gym tonight and ran a couple of quick miles, averaging 10.5 minute miles which is awesome for me! I am feeling inspired again.

I am also feeling happy in my personal life. It has been so nice to go out and have some fun in a bit of a romantic way. Even though I don't know if it is right to call it dating, I certainly have enjoyed my evenings out with him. And hopefully we will be scheduling another one soon. He has made me realize that I do not want to continue to be alone, that being with a man again can indeed be so much fun despite all of my hang-ups and insecurities, and that there are some truly good men out there. No matter what happens and when, if it is over as soon as it started, I will not regret this experience. It has opened an emotional door for me and for that I am thankful.

It's Been Awhile

2010-10-21T08:21:00.002-05:00

How is it already the end of October?!?

Thanks so much for the email and posts checking in on me. I have been quiet. Many things have been happening in my life, but seeing as I am leaving for Vegas is 2 1/2 hours I need to keep things brief!

1) My running has tanked lately, as has much of the rest of my exercise plan. I hurt my ankle a few weeks back by falling down the stairs, and it is just not healing like it should. Time to see a doctor when I return. Also time to kick my exercise plan back into high gear and get back to basics.

2) I will be having surgery again in February. Massive hernia repair. Seeing as it will be my fifth abdominal surgery, it is more complicated than most. It also involves sewing my stomach muscles back together... not just mesh. Thus, I have asked to incorporate a tummy tuck into it since they are already opening me up. I want to be as close to goal as possible by the time I go in for that, so the countdown is on!

3) Intimacy. I have had some lately. First time in 5 years. It has opened many a floodgate, and I am floundering in all of these mixed feelings right now. This is the biggest reason that I have been quiet lately. Need to figure a lot of things out.

So, on that note, I am off to Vegas! Looking for a *little* trouble during this girls' weekend out... but just a little. ;-)

Last Night to Win Some Rocco

2010-08-26T21:30:00.002-05:00

A reminder that it is the last night to enter to win an autographed copy of "Now Eat This" from Rocco Dispirito (who is yummy himself, IMHO) at Mel Gets Fit.

Head over there quickly!

Checking In

2010-08-24T20:47:00.003-05:00

Thank you to a dear fellow blogger for checking in on me to see how the LiveFit Revolution plan was treating me!

I am currently completing Week 3 Day 2 of the plan. The first two weeks were wildly successful, almost so much that I hesitated to post!

Let me preface this by saying that this summer was NOT my best time for weight loss. In fact, it was the summer of self-abuse with food and alcohol. I was feeling more comfortable in my own skin than I had felt in so many years, and I let myself go hog wild for the latter part of the summer. I found myself up twenty pounds (collective GASP!) on the day that I officially weighed in to start the LiveFit Revolution plan. I know that some of it was bloat from an incredibly crazy weekend of eating and drinking, and also water weight because my TOM started the next day, but still. :-(

At the end of Week 1, I was down 13.8 pounds. Yes, thirteen point eight pounds. I followed the plan to a tee with my calories right at 1200 per day and all of the kettlebell workouts as presented. By Sunday of that week, the pants that I was wearing the previous Monday looked seriously baggy and dumpy.

At the end of Week 2, I was down another 6.1 pounds, for a total of 19.9 pounds gone in the first two weeks. Talk about fluff release! My clothes fit me so much better, and I just feel lighter and happier.

But far more tired. I am waking up at 5:00 am on the weekdays to get in my kettlebell workouts, and I seem to need much more sleep than usual. I know that 1200 is pretty low for a woman who is almost 6 feet tall, but this is just for the first 6 weeks in the "detox" Phase 1 portion of the plan.

I am also noticing changes in my body. My arms are getting tighter, and I have some nice biceps to squeeze now. :-) My thighs have shrunk, and my belly flaps are shrinking. These are all very good things!

I am not battling hunger too much, but unlike the others on the program am battling constipation (which, frankly is NEVER an issue for me since I do not have a large intestine). Hmmm. I am drinking upwards of 12 cups of water a day and also eating plenty of fiber, so what gives?!? I am going to start playing around with things a bit because this is an uncomfortable situation for me! All of the others on the plan are pooping all of the time because of the apple cider vinegar drinks, but not me!

So, tomorrow is my day of rest during the week for the kettlebell workout since I have training tomorrow night. Thursday I am back to the workouts, and they are getting progressively harder but I really like them. I will weigh in again on Monday morning, and will let you know how it goes!

Starting Monday

2010-08-06T18:27:00.002-05:00

I'm gearing up for a fresh start on Monday. I need something to give me that spark again and finally get me to my goal.

Kettlebells in hand, shopping list ready to purchase on Sunday, and focus growing as the moments pass.... It's time for a revolution.

http://livefitrevolution.com/

Eating Clean

2010-07-03T07:55:00.003-05:00

My eating style has taken many forms during my life. I was a super picky child, smelling everything before I would decide if I would taste it, and unable to keep weight on my ever growing body. In 5th Grade I was a whopping 5'8" and 98 pounds.

All of that changed when I went to Junior High and met girlfriends who like to eat junk food and lots of it. I also stopped growing and maxed out at 5'10", and my hormones started to kick in with full-force bringing on the big boobs. Pizza, shakes, french fries, candy, Hostess snacks... and up went my weight.

High School brought more of the same eating as Junior High, but I also started adding a lot of extra calories via alcohol consumption. We certainly did drink. I remember being between 175 and 180 pounds for most of High School.

When I went to college, the eating continued with even more foodie friends and other things that contributed to almost constant munchies. The pounds started piling on. When I was 19, I decided to become a vegetarian... but certainly not a healthy one. I would call that the Junk Food Vegetarian period, with lots of cheese and bread and sugar.

A couple of years into my college time, I decided to become vegan. I was hard-core vegan for 2+ years, and would not even eat honey or have a roll when out at a restaurant for fear of an egg wash on top. My weight dropped to 155 pounds because I was also working out at the field house with some friends. I felt amazingly healthy during that time, but it came to an abrupt end when I graduated from college. I spent the three months directly after my graduation in Greece visiting with my family who lives there. Lots of good food and wine. Bye-Bye, Veganism!

When I came back, I found a job and worked crazy-long hours, eating almost all of my meals in the office. I also started going on pub crawls and to parties with new-found work friends, so my weight kept creeping back up.

When I was 27, I decided to get a grip on it. I started to jog, which I had never really done before. I also counted calories obsessively and went to the gym in my office building every day after work. I got back down to 165 and then I met my ex-husband. That was the last day that I worked out for 6 years.

I replaced my gym time with dinner out with him, started smoking (again... it was a bad habit that I left behind years before), enjoyed a lot more drinking and socializing, and ballooned up past 200 pounds. We married, I got sick with Ulcerative Colitis and started on massive doses of steroids, my daughter came into our life, and soon I was amazingly sick, on 90mg of Prednisone per day, and sitting in the hospital waiting to have my large intestine removed after a weigh-in that showed me a number with a "3" at the beginning.

The next year and a half brought me a 90 pound weight loss, a divorce, and a second surgery to create my j-pouch. After that, life felt good again! I celebrated by eating the foods that I was unable to tolerate when I was so sick, and my weight crept back up again. Also, for the first time in 15 years, I began to eat meat again (poultry and fish) on my surgeon's orders to counteract my severe protein deficiency during this time of healing and rebuilding. It was actually a very difficult transition for me because I *like* vegetarian foods better than meat-based ones!

Two years ago I decided to get serious about this for life by incorporating exercise and portion control into my life. I both counted calories online and followed the Weight Watchers plan during this time, switching plans as I got bored with one or hit a plateau. I am down about 80 pounds from that time, have been running for 2 years, and am now venturing back into some of my healthy eating habits, but with a twist. I have my trainer to thank for lighting the fire under my butt in the form of his food plan, which re-introduced me to the beauty of whole and clean foods. By clean I mean minimally processed food without chemicals and preservatives.

I just finished reading The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged, and am now making even more changes in my food intake based on it. I had read her first book several years ago and liked the concept, but never felt the pull to move away from my low point/low calorie convenience foods. I am also following the Dr. Oz principle that you pick a few meals and eat them over and over again for most of your meals. Right now I have three breakfasts from which I choose each day (although mostly it is the avocado toast). I choose between four snacks that I really love, and keep to a pretty standard lunch that I bring to work. I mix it up at dinner, but only every few days as I cook enough at one time to feed me for a few meals.

After reading her book, I am going to experiment with adding flax seed, chia seed, and bee pollen to my diet. I just tried a breakfast that she outlined in her book which includes rolled oats, fresh blueberries, and a tablespoon of each of the things I mentioned above (flax, chia, bee pollen), along with some scrambled egg whites on the side for protein.

This is my next area of experimentation, to see how eating clean affects my fat loss goals. I'll keep you posted!

It's A Beautiful Day!

2010-06-24T20:40:00.003-05:00

By my 7:00 p.m. training appointment with Alex, it was just the right temperature to do an outside workout. Which means training with the TRX system! I tell you, I really like it. It is hard, and I feel like a loser sometimes, but I get a serious workout! I am still wobbly in the arms and jelly-like in my legs, and I can feel every muscle in my shoulders. And it is a good, spent feeling.

I need to get in a run. My last one was almost a week ago. I am going to try to get all of my work done around the house tonight so that I can go out for a 5:45 a.m. run in the morning before work. Slow and hopefully at least three miles, but steady and serious cardio.

I have been following the eating plan for 11 days now, and I am down about 10 pounds. I haven't even wanted to deviate. As a matter of fact, I am looking at a very off plan day tomorrow because 1) we are taking a co-worker out for lunch to celebrate her return to the office after a leave of absence and 2) I am having a super-duper sleep over with my friend's two girls, my own girl-child, and my friend Joann and her son where we will be eating pizza and drinking Dark & Stormys (well, the adults will be... just some milk or juice for the kids). And I am honestly not really looking forward to two meals off plan.

I am going to minimize lunch, and try to order as close to plan as possible based on where we go. Hopefully we will do Mexican because then I will have some veggies and beans with guacamole and salsa. And for dinner Joann is bringing salad, so I am going to focus on that and minimize the pizza (Holy Red Light Food, Batman!). Maximum of 2 drinks, too.

I really feel so much better eating on this plan. I have lost my sugar craving, don't miss the artificial sweeteners at all, and am satisfied with less food. I dont' feel so panicked and desperate when I get hungry. I don't feel the need to stuff myself with huge quantities of food. If that means starying away from sugar and artificial sweeteners and processed food, I'll do it. It is so nice not to have it always be my focus. I eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch, vary my snack between 3 or 4 choices, and base my dinners around veggies of some sort and a small bit of protein. I even go to bed a bit hungry sometimes and don't absolutely hate it. It's a good place to be with my eating, a middle ground that I have rarely experienced. Very freeing.

Personal Training Session - TAKE 2

2010-06-22T21:37:00.004-05:00

I had my second session with Alex tonight, and much to my great relief we did not have it outside again. I just cannot fathom a workout in this 90 degree and insanely high humidity weather. I am a fair weather exerciser, and once it tops 79 I am all about the inside!

We did a lot of jumping and springing work, a bit of yoga, work on my hips and glutes, VERY modified push-ups, work on my wrists and hands and forearms... basically, we did very different things than the last session. I really enjoy how he mixes it up for me because I would get bored with the same old same old pretty quickly.

I don't think that I will be as sore as I was from the first session, but I can already feel the workout in many areas. Now that I have two sessions under my belt, I am looking forward to them more and feeling less fear! But I do want to get some more time with the TRX soon. That was something!

I am still doing well with the food plan, and have basically reverted to my vegetarian ways. I had chicken once last week, and that was my only meat. Besides milk or half and half in my coffee and the occasional yogurt, I have also been vegan. I feel like I am back in college when I was totally vegan for 2 1/2 years! Once the frozen chicken is gone, I am going back to a vegetarian life here at home. As a guest in other homes I will make concessions if need be, but I have been wanting to go back to my vegetarian ways for a long time now. Just don't tell my surgeon because he thinks my protein levels are too low with that kind of diet now that I am "large intestine"-less. We will see what my next blood test shows, and then I will go from there.

So all in all a good week. My running seriously lacked, mostly because I have traded two of my standard running nights for the personal training, and also because I was seriously too sore to run all weekend after my oh-so-short run on Friday morning. But my goal is to get in at least two decent runs a week in addition to the training.

Onward to Session 3 on Thursday, and hopefully even more new moves!

Week 1 Results

2010-06-21T18:39:00.004-05:00

I started following my trainer's meal program a week ago, and I have experienced some very interesting changes.

First and foremost, I am down 8.6 pounds. Yep, not a typo. I must have been retaining some SERIOUS water!

The second best change that I have noticed is that I am satisfied with less food. And I am not as ravenous as usual when mealtime rolls around. Sometimes I do not feel full after I finish a meal or a snack, but I wait for awhile and the next thing I know it is time for my next meal! That is downright miraculous as I always refer to myself as "The Bottomless Pit".

Third, I just plain feel better. I have more energy, I feel lighter, and I feel like I am nourishing my body in a healthy manner. Although I think I need more protein, so I am going to discuss that with my trainer this week.

Fourth, both my grocery bill and stress over meal planning have dramatically decreased. I only buy what I need for the week now, and I plan my weekly meals ahead of time so it is never a challenge to figure out what to bring for lunch or what to make for dinner.

And finally, I have found the most scrumptious breakfast that I have had in oh-so-many years. Avocado Toast. I lightly toast 2 slices of Ezekiel 4:9 Bread, spread a teaspoon of honey mustard and 1/4 avocado on each slice, drizzle 1 teaspoon of olive oil across the both of them, layer them with fresh basil leaves and a thinly-sliced roma tomato, and top them with some freshly ground sea salt. Food of the gods, in my opinion. And I eat this every morning!

I am also drinking much more water now that I have cut out the artificial sweeteners. This also makes me happy, and my skin is feeling pretty happy, too!

I have my second training session tomorrow night (right as the last twinges of pain are leaving my body from the first one!), and I'll be back to report on it as soon as I can!

He Hurt Me!

2010-06-18T22:31:00.009-05:00

That's been my response to the question "How did your first personal training session go yesterday?" Although it is a bit untrue, as he did not actually hurt me but instead made me hurt myself! I am sore sore sore and getting more sore by the minute. Advil, take it away!

As I pulled my van into the fitness studio, Alex was waiting for me in the parking lot. No sooner did I lock the van doors than he had me in the first move. He had a TRX system attached to the outside of the building, and we spent most of the first 40 minutes working with that. And let me tell you, it was HARD! I felt like a wimp, and was panting like a dog half of the time. The rest of the first 40 minutes was spent doing a workout using metal rails in the parking lot... jumps, push-ups, wall sits, knee lifts, lunges... oh my.

With shaky arms and legs, we went inside for the last 10 minutes and did some legwork. We never touched a weight (other than my own body weight), but I got a serious strength workout. I am hooked.

I will say that it was harder than I thought it would be. He timed my breaks and only allowed them between every two exercises. I even felt like crying at one point (sissy!) and had moments of the "I can't do this" feeling, which I promptly swallowed and kept hidden. But it gave me a real wake-up call to see how out of shape I am on the strength side. I can run for 3 hours straight, but I can not even do a single real push-up. How sad.

I will be meeting with Alex on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I really think that this is the push that I need to take my goals to the next level. I am also following the food plan that he recommended, and I love it. I even turned down bakery cake at work and popcorn at the movies tonight, and I really did not feel bad about it. You will find a typical day's menu below to see the kind of food that is on the plan, and it is whole and healthy food and not the protein-laden fare that I expected (thank goodness!).

In addition to radically changing my diet this week, I also cut out almost all artificial sweeteners... and once the Light & Fit yogurt is gone, I plan to cut it out altogether. I changed from Splenda to stevia in my coffee, and it has been just fine. I did have a crazy-tired detox day on Wednesday, and had to talk the child into going to bed with mommy at 8:00 p.m. I slept until 5:45 a.m., felt rested, and have been feeling better ever since.

I had a run planned for this morning, a five miler, but frankly my poor body could only handle 2 so I cut it WAY short. I felt like the walking wounded both from the workout (and sore muscles from) the night before and from the early morning workout time (5:45 a.m. instead of my typical 6:30 p.m.). Can you say BOINK???

I am really excited about working with Alex. I am in for 24 more sessions, which should take me right up to the weekend of my next half marathon on September 12th. Which brings me to my big concern, that I will not have enough time to properly train for the half. If it comes down to it and I have to make a choice, my choice is working with Alex. I am not giving up the ghost, but as a single mom who works full-time and commutes 2+ hours a day on top of that, I just do not see how I am going to be able to fit two training sessions and three runs in each week. But I am going to try.

	Calories	Protein	Fat	Carbohydrates
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Breakfast
Bread - Ezekial 4:9 (1 slice), 2 serving	160	8	0	30
Average Roma Tomato, 1 serving	16	1	0	4
Avocados, California (Haas), 0.5 fruit without skin and seeds	144	2	13	7
Olive Oil, 1 1tsp	40	0	5	0
Basil, 4 leaves	1	0	0	0
Honey Mustard, 2 tsp	20	0	0	2
Milk, nonfat, 0.5 cup	43	4	0	6
	424	15	18	50
Lunch
	Calories	Protein	Fat	Carbohydrates
Bird Eye Steamfresh Broccoli Florets, 4 cup	120	4	0	16
Orange Pepper (bell pepper - 3-3/4" long, 3" dia), 186 gram(s)	50	2	0	12
Taboule Salad, 10 tbsp	150	5	5	15
Apples, fresh, 1 medium (2-3/4" dia) (approx 3 per lb)	81	0	0	21
Almond Butter, 1 tbsp	101	2	9	3
	503	14	15	67
Dinner
	Calories	Protein	Fat	Carbohydrates
Asparagus, fresh, 20 spear, small (5" long or less)	55	5	0	11
Olive Oil, 1 1tsp	40	0	5	0
mushroom, portabella cap - 1 cap-3 oz serv, 1 serving	20	3	0	4
Onions, raw, 0.5 small	13	0	0	3
Peppers, sweet, red, fresh, 0.5 medium (approx 2-3/4" long, 2-1/2" dia)	16	1	0	4
Grapes, 2 cup, seedless	120	2	2	57
Dates, 1 date	23	0	0	6
Tyson Grilled Chicken Breast Strips, 4 oz	133	25	2	4
	421	37	9	89
Snack
	Calories	Protein	Fat	Carbohydrates
Medjool dates, 2 date, pitted	133	1	0	36
Almonds, 24 almond	166	6	15	6
Dannon Light & Fit Nonfat Vanilla Yogurt, 6 oz., 1 serving	80	5	0	15
Strawberries, fresh, 1 cup, halves	46	1	1	11
	425	13	15	67
	1,772	79	57	273

Making A Healthy Choice After a Stressful Morning

2010-06-05T17:50:00.004-05:00

Last night I went out and had some fun with Delane and her friends in the city. We saw Sex & The City 2 and then went out to Martini Ranch for a few drinks. Having a fun evening always makes me wake up in a good mood the next morning (as long as a hangover is not involved!), so today started off on a good note.

Good things continued to happen as I heard from our board president that my roof repair had been authorized and would begin soon. No more leaking in my daughter's room... YIPPEE! And no more money out of my pocket to fix it.

Then it was off to the doctor for a follow up appointment. I needed to have my Vitamin D level rechecked after a 12 week course of high dose prescription supplementation. This is where the day took a turn for the worse. First of all, I *hate* being weighed at the doctor's office in the middle of the day, fully clothed, after a huge lunch and several cups of coffee. Yuck, but whatever.

Then the doctor was running very late, about two patients behind. So I waited. Until a knock came on the door to the exam room where I was waiting. It was the woman from the front desk at the office, asking me if I owned a silver minivan (which I do). Because someone had hit it in the parking lot.

Shit.

So I went out there to see the damage and trade information with the woman (another patient of my doctor). She asked that we not call the cops or handle it through insurance, and told me that it was her fault and that she would pay for the repair herself. My poor crushed bumper... but at least the van was still operable. I agreed to handle it that way because I had several witness from the office to whom she had admitted fault, so I felt protected if things went wrong.

I waited for an hour for the doctor, had my appointment, and then headed home. All I wanted was something sweet. Lots of something sweet. A bathtub full of it, maybe. So I started to scour my cabinets to find something , but instead introduced a supreme intervention on myself.

I decided to call a personal trainer whose name I got from my hair stylist instead of binging on sweets. And after a 30 minute conversation with him, I have my consultation with him on Thursday at 7:00 p.m. And I am so damn excited!!!!

I never get vacations because I have no time off from work because my every vacation day is used to care for my child when she is sick or school is off and I cannot find alternate care. So I have decided that I am going to spend my "summer vacation" money on a trainer this summer. An investment in me!

His hours are very flexible, and he will let me bring my daughter to the studio to play quietly in the corner if need be. And did I mention that I am so excited?!?

I'll report more after our first meeting on Thursday. I am looking forward to being whipped into shape!

New Month, Fresh Start

2010-06-01T19:09:00.002-05:00

I don't know why, but I am one of those people who put a lot of emphasis on beginnings... new days, new weeks, new months, new years. And for some reason June feels like all of them rolled into one! Maybe it is lingering happiness over school ending and summer beginning coupled with long days and warmer weather. The opening of our pool. More light. No more snow for awhile (well, this IS Chicago so you never know, but...).

I went to bed last night knowing that June was going to be good. Even though I felt crummy today, I knew that I was having a fresh start after a slack-off month in May post-half marathon. And that's what today has been. Fresh, yummy, and happy.

Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast
1 cup of fresh blueberries
1/2 cup of Fiber One cereal
6 ounces of vanilla yogurt

Morning Snack
Huge cup of coffee with a splash of skim milk and some Splenda

Lunch
Grilled chicken breast (that had been marinated in a yummy salsa)
Mediterranean orzo pasta salad (more on that later... yum)
Fresh pineapple

Afternoon Snack
Light string cheese

Dinner
Boca burgers on a sandwich thin with Vivi's Original Carnival Mustard and fat free cheese slices
More of the orzo pasta salad

A healthy and delicious day of eating, along with 4 cups of fresh water and 4 cups of green tea. And then a 45 minute swim in our pool after work to top it all off. What a day!

The Mediterranean orzo pasta salad was left-over from a BBQ at a friend's house yesterday. I made up my own recipe and I just love it! I cooked some orzo, added cucumbers, tomatoes, red onion, kalamata olives, capers, baby spinach, fresh basil, reduced fat feta, fresh lemon juice, red wine vinegar, olive oil, Greek seasonings, and ground sea salt & pepper. Amazing! And even better the next day. This may become a signature dish.

I also tried the Vivi's mustard for the first time and I LOVE IT!!!! It really jazzed up my Boca burgers, and I can't wait to try it on other foods. Now if I can just figure out where to buy it locally because mail order shipping costs on glass jars are crazy!

So, here's to a wonderful June with lots of fresh food, good swimming, and getting back on track with my running. Family & good friends and outdoor fun NOT optional!

It's Been One Week

2010-05-21T06:42:00.002-05:00

So last Friday I weighed in with horror. Up enough to scare the pants off of me. And here I am a week later with GOOD news!

1) My official weigh-in this morning had me down 5.9 pounds. Looks like the gain was mostly fluff!

2) I was on plan the whole week, and tracked everything.

3) I got in three runs since last Friday (and one weight training workout).

4) I feel like my head is back in the game, and I am looking forward to another successful week.

I am crazy busy this weekend with plans every night and multiple ones during each of the days, so I need to make good choices and keep the momentum going!

Scared Straight

2010-05-15T18:53:00.004-05:00

The whole "get a good week under my belt before weighing" thing did not go as planned. It actually took a visit to the scale to scare me back on track.

I took the plunge on Friday morning. It was ugly. I was scared back on plan. I have worked too hard to lose the weight to see it come back on without a fight.

Friday I was firmly on plan with resolve. I even managed to fit in a 3 1/2 mile run work. I weighed in this morning and am down 3.5 pounds already, so hopefully a good chunk of my gain was water weight.

I have been on plan all day today, too, and am looking forward to another on plan day tomorrow, with a run squeezed in between two play dates. It actually feels good to have my resolve back and to be eating healthfully again. It allows me to walk through my days with so much less guilt, feeling lighter and more positive in general.

Another area that needs some work is my running. Since the half marathon 2 weeks ago, I have only done 2 runs. I know that I was pretty burnt out from 15 weeks of training pre-race, but I still need to get out there and move my body to shake this recent gain and then lose the last 20-25 pounds to get to my goal weight. Once The Biggest Loser is over on Tuesday nights, I am going to attend the kickboxing class at my gym on those evenings. Then I will run on Thursdays and one day each weekend. I also plan to incorporate some strength training into my weeks, at home with my own weights.

So I am feeling back in business because I have my screwed back on straight. And that makes me happy. :-)

Not So Much

2010-05-12T19:22:00.003-05:00

The whole tracking EVERYTHING for a week goal? Yeah, not so much. It went pretty well until Saturday night and then... FAIL.

Then I had some more horrible days until finally pulling it together yesterday. Not perfect, but better. Today I just focused on eating healthy foods. Tomorrow, I am going to watch my portions more and get in a 5 mile run.

For whatever reason, I just cannot seem to wrap my brain around being OP. I have never been a "baby steps" person myself, even though I always give others that advice. I always have to jump in with both feet (and both arms, and my head, my butt). I make a 180 and see dramatic changes. But I am having trouble with this now. It is freaking me out.

So I am trying some new things here. I started a paper (GASP!) journal today. Not for recording my food per se, but for recording my thoughts, writing down motivational quotes, capturing books I was to read, and other things like that. I also chose not to beat myself up for my food choices today. The portions may have been larger than WW would prescribe, but the food was healthy and it was FAR FAR from my binging ways.

I am still unsure if I am going to weigh in on Friday, or let another week pass. I am leaning toward stepping on the scale right now even though my period just hit with a ferocity usually reserved for times when my cats get the midnight crazies.

I am going to get this right. This is my life I'm talking about. It is not a day or a week or a month or even a few years of perfection, but is really about managing this battle once and for all. You'd think I would have learned this by 40 already, right? But obviously not, so I am re-educating myself and preparing to fight the good fight again.

Anelise's Run 5K Race Report

2010-05-08T11:16:00.002-05:00

Well, I ended up with a PR... go figure! And I ran it about 2 1/2 minutes faster than last year, so that is good news.

It was cold this morning. I should have brought gloves. The race was a two-loop flat course, and I started out too fast. Mile 1 was 11:10, Mile 2 was 11:25, and Mile 3.1 was 12:37. Not too bad for my first post-half marathon run.

The bad news is that the pain in my right hip and arch showed up again around the 2.5 mile mark. But it didn't slow me down too much, and it stopped once I stopped running.

We went to Starbucks afterward, and now I am heading up to my room for a hot bubble bath before heading over to my nephew's 3rd birthday party. And tonight I am going "man shopping" with a single girlfriend (her words, LOL)... but I am just window shopping and WILL NOT be making any purchases!

To all of the mothers out there, an early Happy Mother's Day! To those who can still tell their mothers how much they love them, congrats and spread the love tomorrow, and to those who cannot... (((HUGS))).

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, a 5K Tomorrow

2010-05-07T20:25:00.003-05:00

It's only a day away! Okay, enough with my crazy Annie rip-off, but I *am* running a 5K tomorrow! It is called Anelise's Run 5K, and this will be my second year running it. The proceeds benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I went to pick up our race packets tonight, and this will be my first post-half marathon run. I plan on doing it at a leisurely pace and enjoying it, so I do not expect to set a PR.

Day 1 of logging my food is done, and it was successful. This evening has been tough, though, because most of my horrific eating has taken place at night. But I am chewing gum and planning to have a (non-caloric) beverage to take my mind off of it.

On to Day 2 and a 5K for some activity. Let's hope the rain stays away!

Time To Face The Music

2010-05-06T21:00:00.004-05:00

Well, my first half marathon is history. Now it is time to face the music and undo the damage that I allowed to happen in the last month.

I admit it. I let my nerves get the best of me. I slipped back into old (bad) habits. Okay, I actually dove back into them, and now my pants are uncomfortably tight and my tummy feels huge. I allowed the half to become my excuse to ignore my lifestyle changes on the eating front, and it is time to get back on the path that I want to walk.

My WW week starts on Friday, so as of tomorrow I am tracking again. That's my goal for the week, to track everything for a whole week. I have a birthday party on Saturday and a Mother's Day brunch on Sunday, so I do not expect perfection but I do demand accountability from myself this week. I have gained weight... maybe 5 pounds, maybe 10 pounds, I do not know because I am afraid to step on the scale right now. And I am not going to do so until Friday, May 14th, when I can feel a bit more stable about dealing with the number that I see on it after having a good week under my belt. Yes, I am playing games with myself, but it is what I feel I can handle right now. So be it.

I know that this will just be a small detour on my journey if I get a grip and make a U-Turn right now. That is what I want. I will make it so.

Onward and downward!

Door County Half Marathon Race Report

2010-05-02T20:44:00.007-05:00

The race is over, and I am officially a half-marathoner! Thank you all so much for your support during my training!

My nerves started to get the best of me on Friday. I was freaked out all morning, and procrastinated on my packing until about 7:00 a.m. Then I threw together a bag for myself and a bag for the child, who had a weekend visit with her paternal grandparents who happen to live in Door County. I had to pack running outfits for both cold and warmish weather because the weather report had been fluctuating all week and I was still not sure if it would rain for the race.

I worked a half day from home on Friday, gassed up the van, picked up the child from school, stopped by my friend's house and hustled her family into the van, and we were off at about 12:45 p.m.! I drove on the way up, and it was a smooth ride. All three children behaved, and we arrived around 5:30 p.m.

We stayed with my friend's sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and mother-in-law, and they could not have been more hospitable. The had a huge pasta dinner for us complete with baked mac and cheese (YUM), two types of pasta with red sauce, salad, garlic bread, and fresh fruit pie for dessert. I ate far too much, damn nerves.

I went to bed around 9:30 p.m. and drifted for awhile before falling asleep. I had the obligatory race nightmare, in which the race time kept getting pushed back because of bad weather. In my dream, the race was finally supposed to start at 9:00 p.m., but right when we were going to leave I had to go to the bathroom and thus made us very late. We did not get there until 9:30 p.m., and then I realized that I could not run the race because there would be no way I could run until almost 1:00 a.m. I was so sad and was crying, and found myself wandering the streets in a very bad neighborhood alone in the dark, a sniveling mess.

I woke up at 6:45 a.m. and had a single cup of strong coffee. Around 7:30 a.m. I had two packets of instant oatmeal. We left at 8:00 a.m. to head to the race, which had a start time of 10:00 a.m... a bit later than other races that I have run. We arrived, parked, and then visited the port-a-potties about a million times before we headed to the starting line with cases of nervous tummies. I felt like I had to go more but it just would not come out, so I wandered to the starting line with a fear that I would have to hit the loo very soon after starting.

We were about 3/4 of the way back in the pack at the starting line, and then at 10:00 a.m. the gun went off... and off we went!!! It took about three minutes for us to cross the starting line. I started out at a healthy pace, but tried not to go too fast because I knew that I was going to be facing some SERIOUS hills for which I had not trained.

I also realized that I had accidentally hit SHUFFLE on my iPod when I started my Nike+ instead of selecting the personalized half marathon playlist that I created just for the event. I futzed around with my iPod Touch trying to change it, but finally gave up and decided to let the shuffle gods decide what I would hear during the hours that were ahead of me.

Mile 1 was lakeside, the sun was shining, and there was a slight breeze. The temperature was probably in the mid 60's. Perfect weather! As always, Mile 1 was a joy.

Mile 1 - 12:17

Miles 2 and 3 were also lakeside, and they had some gorgeous panoramic views of Lake Michigan. I almost felt like I was running by the ocean at times. Slight lake breeze, thinning of the crowd (since I am a slow one), and the introduction of some hills that made me realize that I most definitely SHOULD have trained for hills.

Mile 2 - 12:13
Mile 3 - 12:38

I was feeling happy to stay in the 12 minute mile zone with all of the hills, and was hoping to keep my mile times there as long as possible. I skipped all of the water stations in those first few miles to see how long I could hold out, and to keep the bathroom breaks at bay.

Mile 4 was tougher. We headed into the woods, and the hills were more intense. I was actually pretty surprised at how fatigued I felt and thought "Wow, this feels more like six miles than four!" But right after the Mile 4 water station (which I also skipped), a hawk flew directly over my head at a very low altitude and gave me a little punch of exhilaration and a bit of a good omen for the race.

Mile 4 - 12:55

The race was pretty much uphill from Mile 4 to Mile 7, but the biggest of the hills came around Mile 4.5. We ascended 200 feet in elevation in less than a half mile. I had been thinking that I would walk that big hill, but when I got to it I hit the STUBBORN button and refused to walk it! I jogged at a slow pace with tiny steps, but I jogged the whole thing. I did think that it might possibly never end, but luckily it flattened out again... for awhile.

Mile 5 - 13:43 (which I thought was pretty darn good considering the big hill!)

Mile 6 was uneventful, except for the fact that I learned that I have more issues going downhill than I do going uphill! I must admit that I was afraid of the momentum that came with running downhill and really tensed up and dug in to keep myself from going too fast. And this was bad news for my hips and for the bottoms of my feet. Very bad news.

Mile 6 - 13:09

I stopped for water for the first time at the water station after Mile 6. I also ate some Vanilla Gu. I cannot walk and drink at the same time, so a water break for me is called a COMPLETE STOP. Other than that, Mile 6 was pretty uneventful.

Mile 7 - 13:31

I started to have some serious pain in my right hip during Mile 7. I paid attention to it to see when it hurt the most, and it seemed to really pain me when I moved from side to side on the road or when I was going downhill. The uphill portions gave me more of a cardio workout and made my thighs scream a bit, but the downhills were becoming more of an issue for me and I was now dreading them and going even slower than before.

Mile 8 - 14:36... but this is not a true time because I somehow missed the Mile 8 marker and hit Lap on my Garmin late.

Mile 9 was painful. I was really starting to worry. My right knee and right arch joined the pain club along with the right hip, and I was running with a pronounced limp. Did I mention that I was worried? I tried to make myself go a bit faster to a) prove to myself that I could and b) try to keep any hope of a sub-three hour time alive. I know that I was telling everyone that my goal was just to finish, but what I really wanted was to run it in under 3 hours, and it seemed like this goal was slipping away.

Mile 9 - 12:10 (and the last of my 12 minute miles in this race)

I stopped for water for the second time at the water station after Mile 9.

At Mile 10, I saw part of my cheering section waiting for me. My friend's husband, their two beautiful girls, and his sister where waiting and clapping and cheering for me. What a boost! His sister, Liz, was on her bicycle and had been riding from place to place on the race route trying to catch us and give us a personal cheering section, and when I hit the 10 mile point she pulled out onto the race route with her bike and told me that she was going to ride next to me for the rest of the race! THAT WAS AMAZING. I really needed it because I was starting to hit a wall, and I was in some real pain, and I had never run more than 10 miles before in my life, and and and.

And it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Mile 10 - 13:13

Liz and I talked (well, mostly she talked and I gritted my teeth and kept plowing forward), and all of a sudden we had passed the Mile 12 mark!

Mile 11 - 13:31
Mile 12 - 14:49

I got water for the last time after Mile 12, and came to a complete stop for a few seconds more than usual to regroup and refocus on running through the pain, which included a killer charlyhorse in my left calf. Luckily for me, the short stop kicked that single pain to the curb!

I had really lost my steam, and I was grunting and groaning with each hill. But about a half mile before the finish, I could hear the crowd cheering. Liz kept me going, kidding with me about going into a full out sprint at the end to beat the guy in the blue shirt who had been running in front of me for the better part of the race. I told her that I just did not have it in me, that I had left it all on the course, but I worked to keep going as best I could. And the cheering increased in volume, keeping my spirit alive!

The Finish Line came into view. I literally gave a little cry-out when I saw it! I was almost there! Liz backed away to allow me to cross by myself and have my own moment when I finished, and I gave it all I had left! They said my name and my town over the loudspeaker, and I crossed the line with a big smile and my arms in the air!

And I beat the man in blue!

Mile 13.1 - 15:03

TOTAL TIME - 2:53:52

GOAL ACHIEVED!!!!!!!!

And I ran the whole way!

My friends were there cheering me on (because they finished in just over 2 hours... I was the slowpoke), there were massive hugs all around, multiple glasses of water, a banana, some photos, and we walked away with our Finisher's Medals!

OH MY GOSH... I RAN A HALF MARATHON!!!!! IN UNDER 3 HOURS!!!!!

We stretched a bit and hobbled to the potties, then found a place to change into some warm and dry clothes. And as luck would have it, the skies clouded over and it got quite cool and windy AFTER we were finished... YIPPEE!!!!

We ate an indulgent lunch at a local restaurant (I had a veggie walnut burger and fries, and snagged some sweet potato fries from my friend, too). Then we hit a few shops and headed back via the scenic route. Dinner that night was amazing, as was the wine and the company, and I was sooooo happy. I cannot remember being that happy in a really long time. Endorphins, relief, wine, good company, all of the above, whatever it was, it was great.

We drove back this afternoon. Bets and Donna called, Jolene texted me, I had an email waiting from Kris, I got a huge number of comments and Likes on my Facebook post about the race, and I am feeling very loved and supported and very fulfilled with my first half marathon.

Despite the fact that I am walking like a freak right now, it will NOT be my last. :-)

Last Run Before The Half

2010-04-28T20:37:00.004-05:00

I ran my last run before Saturday's half marathon, and it was a great run. I started out around 6:00 p.m. tonight with sunlight and 60 degree weather, and I ended after 4.05 miles with a big smile on my face. It was a great run finish my race training.

I am nervous about Saturday's race. It is looking like showers during the race, and I am such a fair weather runner! Regardless, I will be running. Come rain or shine, I am there. But my nerves have been manifesting as poor food choices, so my carb loading has begun in earnest... and NO ONE needs that many carbs, not even ultra-marathoners!!!

But I will refocus on my eating and on losing the remainder of my weight once the race is over. For now I am just to enjoy the big day as much as I can!

Tomorrow I work a full day, and then Friday I am working from home in the a.m. and leaving at noon to start the 5+ hour drive to the race. And Saturday morning at 10:00 a.m. the race will begin!

I'll be back here on Monday to post a full report. Wish me luck!

Half Marathon Home Stretch

2010-04-18T19:50:00.003-05:00

Today was the longest of my long training runs: 10 miles. I had some weird stomach thing going on all week, so I missed a 5 mile run and did not run at all from last Saturday (9 miles) to this past Saturday.

My schedule was thrown off on Saturday due to a phone call, so I ran near the country club in our little city. I did not know the area well, but needed to both squeeze the run in and be at my daughter's drama school to pick her up in just an hours time, so I started the run from her school and headed out to explore. My stomach cooperated until Mile 3 or so, and then I was in so much pain that I had to cut the run short at 4 miles. Very disappointing, and it made me nervous for the 10 miler that was on plan for today.

I started out at about 11:30 a.m. today, and ran the first 5 with no problem. Quick potty and water break at Mile 5, and then I went on for the last half of the run. I felt pretty good until about Mile 8.5, and then the last 1 1/2 was a real struggle. I thought the last 1/4 mile was going to break me, but then I saw my daughter heading towards me on her new 2 wheel bike (she dumped the training wheels last weekend!), and it gave me the oomph to finish it off at 10.03 miles.

I have been a tired slug ever since. But it was a great day nonetheless.

I actually had a really slow run. It was very windy, and I spent half of the run charging into the wind which both slowed me down and tired me out. I also saw a bunch of signs for a lost cat in the area, so I visually scoured the bushes and plants and yards and brush for about half of the run hoping to find him and bring him safely back to his family. It seriously slowed me down, but it is what it is and I still finished the run.

I have two 5 milers this week and then an 8 miler next weekend, and then I taper to a 4 miler and a 2 miler two days before the race. I am getting nervous, but my goal is really just to finish the race. I would love to finish it under 3 hours, so that is my bonus goal.

Onward to my last 5 runs before the race!

Alcohol Abstinence April

2010-04-01T20:33:00.004-05:00

No, it's not an April Fools Day joke. I really did agree to abstain from alcohol for the month of April. My friend proposed it to me as part of our preparation for the half marathon (which, in fact, is exactly one month from today).

Although this is going to put a serious dent in my social life, I think it will be a good thing. And I bet that I will lose a lot of weight this month because it is on drinking nights that I tend to overeat and binge eat. Any way you look at it, it will be an eye-opening experience!

Last month I ran over 66 miles. It was my highest monthly mileage ever. :-) I finished my 8 mile long runs last Sunday, and have a 9 mile run on schedule for this weekend. The longest run I have before that half marathon is 10 miles, so I am closing in on it.

I am starting to get really excited and nervous now. With less than a month to go, it seems very real. And there are some serious hills on the course, so I have to start training for those. There is a 200 foot incline at Mile 5, so I am going to do some treadmill runs that simulate that incline and placement if possible.

I have also started to think about life beyond the half, and what my exercise plan will look like then. Now that my short runs are 5 milers, I want to keep it that way and run between 10 and 15 miles a week. I also want to start taking the Tuesday night Cardio Kickboxing class that I took last week on a regular basis. But my big goal after the half is to hire a personal trainer for a few sessions in order to get some regular strength training into my routine. I really think that is what is going to take me to the next level in my body-related goals.

On that note, tomorrow is the last weigh-in for our Weight Off challenge at work. I did not do as well as I had hope, but should bring an eight pound loss to the team (as I will be wearing my very lightest of all clothes, too!). At least it kept me focused on getting back on track as soon as possible after bad food choices, so it was not a disappointment. I am not hopeful that my team will win the cash prize because one of the men (who each averaged 300 pounds at the first weigh-in) has really not lost any weight, and the remaining three of us cannot carry the team. And I must say that there have been some AMAZING weight losses by some of my co-workers on other teams, so it was a tough crowd in the competition.

Onward to the last 4 weeks of my training, and injuries STAY AWAY!!!!

Half Marathon Training and "The Blues"

2010-03-21T19:57:00.005-05:00

It's been a few weeks since I posted and I apologize for that, but I have been slogging through my own Blue Period... and it has been a haul. Some of it is due to my annual February down time, I am sure, which hits me at that point every year during the dark and cold Chicago winters. But some of it started way back in the fall, and it all converged and took me down for awhile.

I really appreciate all of my friends for sticking by me, encouraging me, calling me, sending check-in emails during this rough time (Bets, Donna, Delane, Jolene... thank you). I was just so tired and it seemed like all I did was work, run, take care of child, crash for some (little) sleep, repeat. But the additional daylight is making me feel more like myself, along with the B12 shots and the prescription Vitamin D, so I am feeling more "normal".

The good news is that my training is on track. I completed my first 8 mile run on Thursday, and it was hard but fulfilling. It also left me with a very bad blister between the second and third toes on my left foot. I also thought I was losing a toenail on my left foot (second toe), but came to realize just this afternoon that I actually have a blister UNDER my toenail! I popped it today and now it is feeling less painful... but it has been there for at least a week and a half!

Since the blisters seem to be coming on strong with my longer runs, I ordered some socks to try to avoid them as much as possible. Hopefully that will do the trick. I am even trying a pair of these toed running socks!

I was planning to run the Shamrock Shuffle 8K race in the city today, but the weather kept me away for the second year in a row. The race weather seemed fine, but we were going to be taking public transportation to and from, and at that time it was snowing and blowing and downright nasty so my friend and I took it to the gym and ran our 5 miles indoors. We had a good time, though, and really that was my whole goal in doing the race anyway.

February brought me my first ever 60+ mile month, and this past week found me running over 25 miles alone. I will surpass 60 miles this month... WOW! I have two 5 mile runs and one 8 mile run on schedule for this week, and I am also adding in a day of cross training with a Cardio Kickboxing class on Tuesday night. Hopefully this will be a good thing and not just another demand on my time.

Here's to more daylight and some warmth in my life, and come April 1st I am a mere month away from my 13.1 run!

Half Marathon Training - Weeks 5 & 6

2010-02-21T19:39:00.004-06:00

I am over a third of the way through my training program... WOW!!! Time flies.

The completion of Weeks 5 and 6 converged, and thus my recap is in just one post. I finished Week 5 on Wednesday with a total mileage of 13.4, and then finished Week 6 today with a total mileage of 14.4 I ran 4 of the last 5 days in order to catch up on my training plan, and am I ever feeling it!

Today I had a 6 mile run, and that is the longest run that I have ever done in my life. Go me! :-) I really struggled with my mind today, and had to just shut down negative quitter thoughts in order to get in the full training run. Yes, my body was just plain tired after running 3 of the previous 4 days, and my hip was doing a bit of complaining, but really my own mind was my biggest adversary. So I just let my feet keep going, and finally made it to the 6 mile mark. I wanted to be all "Rocky" and have some kind of celebration for hitting a new personal mileage record... but I was too tired! On my cool-down lap, I felt like the creaky tin man looking for an oil can!

So, I start Week 7 on Tuesday after a day of rest tomorrow (much needed and well deserved, IMHO). Planned mileage is 15.2. I am feeling confident. :-)

On the weight loss front, my Weight Off team at work had our 6 week midpoint weigh-in, and we were down 44 pounds between the four of us. I know that 6 of that was mine, so I am happy with my performance thus far. We are certainly not in the lead right now, but it is a good place to be at the halfway point and we still have a shot at the prize if we can all kick it into high gear!

I think that the Vitamin D is having a positive effect on my mood, so it is good that my doctor discovered the deficiency. I have not noticed much from the B12 shots in terms of increased energy, but then again I have only had two of them so far. My next one on Tuesday, and I still have hope!

Onward to another great week!

Half Marathon Training - Week 4

2010-02-13T15:44:00.004-06:00

Week 4 is done! I finished "late" again, on Thursday night, but I am working to get in all of my planned workouts before my half. Good thing I left myself some extra time because the best laid plans of mice and men, well, you know the rest. ;-)

Thank you for all of the comments. I take them all to heart, like Corletta guiding my focus back to the training and away from the weight loss, and the suggestion from Jen to look into a foam roller for my aching muscles (it just arrived from www.target.com, and I was unaware that such a thing existed until you mentioned it! Thanks!). Every "great job" (Al and Tricia) adds to my motivation, so that you for caring!

My weekly mileage was 13.4 miles including my warm-ups and cool downs, and it was a record week for me in terms of weekly mileage! My shoes seems properly broken in and now I am feeling fewer aches and pains both during and after runs. Good news!

On another health-related front, I found out that both my Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D levels were quite low after blood tests from my new doctor were done. Thus, I am now receiving weekly B12 shots for four weeks, and I had my first one last Wednesday. I am also taking a prescription dose of Vitamin D, 50,000 iu in one weekly pill for twelve weeks, which also started last Wednesday. I have not noticed a different yet, but I remain hopeful that I'll start to feel more energetic soon. Hopefully Spring will make an appearance soon, and the sun will return to this cold and dark place, and my mood will lift, too, as I have been in a blue period these past couple of weeks.

I am off to go grocery shopping now, and plan to make myself some beautiful veggies for Valentine's Day! I hope that you all have a wonderful day tomorrow and are treated to something special, whether by yourself (like me) or by a special someone in your life!

Half Marathon Training - Week 3

2010-02-03T21:59:00.003-06:00

And here's to the week that took a week and a half! It was bound to happen, but it is okay because I have a few extra weeks built into the (usually) 12 week plan that I am following.

I did my third run for the week tonight, when it was scheduled for last Sunday. I was not feeling well last weekend, and spent most of it in bed or napping in my chair, and never felt well enough for a run. Then my daughter came down with scarlet fever on Monday night, and there went my Tuesday run, too.

So I finished my last run of Week 3 tonight, and will be doing my 3 runs of Week 4 in very short order on Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday of this week. Whew!

My total mileage for Week 3, including warm-up and cool down walking was 12.4 miles. I am noticing some tightness in my hamstrings and really need to increase my stretching. I also need to do some weight-work to strengthen my quads to balance it out, so I will be working in more of that in the weeks to come.

The new shoes seem to be working well, but I am still adjusting to them. I am glad that I started breaking them in now instead of waiting until a few weeks before the race. I want to make sure that these are the shoes that will take me 13.1 miles without too much pain!

I had some issues with my eating this week. I think that the illness, coupled with the missed runs and the basically throw-away weekend, really threw me into a depression. I tried to solve it with food, but of course that just made it worse. But I am back on track and focusing on my goals once again, and the only think that I can control is what happens from now on because the past is done. Live and learn, again and again and again!

Half Marathon Training - Week 2

2010-01-24T15:51:00.005-06:00

Week 2 of 15 of my half marathon training is now in the books!

It was a good week for running! The bad part was the my foot pain continued this week, so I went to the Naperville Running Company yesterday and got properly fitted for a new pair of running shoes. I am now the proud owner of a pair of ASICS Gel Kayano 16 running shoes!

I ran in them for the first time today on my long run of the week, and I felt good! Some different muscle sensations in my ankles and calves, but no pain. Let's hope the trend continues!

My running consisted of two 3 mile runs and one 4 mile run. Total mileage for the week (including warm-ups and cool down) was just over 11 miles. I was actually quite proud that I got all three runs in because I skipped my Thursday night run to attend a fitness class with a friend (more on that later!). So I had to be crafty and find a way to make up the run, which meant going to my brother and sister-in-law's house on Friday night and using their treadmill while they ate dinner as my daughter sat in the playroom next to the workout area! Mission accomplished.

My cross training consisted of a 20 minute elliptical session, and the aforementioned fitness class with a friend. It was called Kwando Extreme, and it was 1 1/2 hours of serious work! From 7:30 to 9:00 p.m. on Thursday night, I had my @ss kicked with kickboxing, cardio step, weight training, pilates, and yoga. What a workout! We plan to go back every two weeks, so I am going to have to move around some runs during the week to allow for it.

My weight loss this week was great! Despite some horrible eating last weekend, I tightened my belt during the week and I was down 3.9 pounds at my weigh-in on Friday morning! That sets me firmly in the 170s, which makes me VERY happy!!! :-)

Tonight I will be cooking up a storm for next week's meals, and getting some laundry done so that we will be clean and presentable. Onward to Week 3!

Half Marathon Training - Week 1

2010-01-17T21:07:00.003-06:00

Before I talk about my first week of training, I want to extend a HUGE THANK YOU for all of the support that you gave me on my big half marathon announcement! I am amazed to hear from those of you that I "know", those that I follow on their blogs, new friends training for their own half marathons, a lucky lady who just trained for and ran a marathon with her husband (now THAT'S bonding!), and so many more! I feel like I have a group of supporters cheering me on, and that is very inspiring to me!

I am following the Hal Higdon Novice Half Marathon Training Plan but, seeing as I have 15 weeks instead of the 12 that this plan outlines, I have stretched it out a bit to ease in more. Week 1 of 15 had me lined up for two 2-mile runs and a 3-mile run, all three of which were accomplished as scheduled! Each workout also includes a half mile warm-up/cool down, so my total mileage for the week was 8.5 miles.

I know that is very low mileage for many, but seeing as I only ran a total of 10 miles for the entire month of December (YIKES!), I am easing into the plan to avoid injury. I have known so many people who rush their plans or dramatically increase their mileage in an attempt to speed up their weight loss who then end up injuring themselves, and of course the old body is not what it used to be, so I am happy to be slow and steady and in good shape for my race!

I felt good this week in my runs, strong and steady and happy. I got a new iTouch for Christmas and loaded it up with over 500 workout-specific songs, so I used that for the first time this week (with its built-in Nike+ functionality... yea!), and I really enjoyed my expanded music selections.

One thing I realized is that I am going to use the treadmill as I get to some of my longer runs because lapping on the track gets SERIOUSLY repetitive as the length of my runs increase. At least I can watch TV while on the treadmill, which will keep my eyes off of my watch and help the time pass better until I can take my runs outside again in the spring.

I did notice that my knees are hurting just a bit today, and I felt some discomfort in my feet and ankles during my run today. That leads me to believe that it is time for new shoes, so I am going to take a trip to Fleet Feet and get some help in selecting a new pair. I have lost over 80 pounds since I had help selecting the shoes that I currently use, and I know that my running stride has changed dramatically since that time, so I am ready to consider a new type of shoes if it will help me more than the ones that I currently use (Saucony Progrid Hurricane 10).

On the food front, things were okay. I was officially down 1.4 pounds this week at my Friday morning weigh-in, but I really struggled (READ: totally overate and drank too much) with my evenings on both Friday and Saturday of this weekend so I am going to have to be very careful this week in order to show another loss on Friday. I am currently preparing some healthy food for the week... balsamic roasted brussel sprouts, Greek-style green beans with mushrooms, etc. I also have a bunch of broccoli slaw on hand for big salads, which will add bulk to my meals without adding too may calories.

This week is going to be a very stressful one at work as I have four big changes in the departments that I manage, so I have to find a way to deal with this that does not include hitting the candy dish in my area. My current plan is to write it out, so I am going to carry a beautiful little journal in my purse this week to jot down anything that keeps repeating in my mind in order to get it out and move on so that I do not stuff my emotions.

Onward to Week 2 of 15 of my training!

It's Official!

2010-01-13T20:44:00.003-06:00

I am now registered for my first half-marathon, scheduled for May 1st in Door County.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And my training began last night, so I am on my way!

Weight Off Weigh-In

2010-01-11T21:11:00.004-06:00

... or How Nicole Got Her Mojo Back!

I had my first weigh in today for the Weight Off challenge at work. I had to do it alone since the rest of my team (the three men) weighed in last Friday while I was out of the office. Once I was done, our weight totals were added together and our team has the highest starting weight in the whole challenge!!! 1088 pounds between the four of us!!! YIKES! Which means that each of the men on my team average about 300 pounds a piece. That gives us a lot to lose in order to get the highest percentage of weight lost and take this thing. We were the only team above 1000 pounds, and now I am feeling extra motivated to show the other teams what we can do. The pool went up, too, because there are now 12 teams. Winning team takes $1200... I want my $300!

But beyond that, I really want to get to goal. And I really want to kick my running back into gear because I have committed to a May half-marathon with a friend, and I need to get to training! I slacked on my running this past month and it is time for me to get back into a regular routine. I miss it. I miss feeling the strength in my legs, the spent lungs after a good workout, the sense of accomplishment that I get when I meet my running goals. So back to the gym I go tomorrow for a run, and then again on Thursday, and then again this weekend (and maybe twice on the weekend if time allows).

I feel like I have my motivation back. I do not want to let my team down, but even more than that I do not want to let myself down. I have worked hard to get where I am, and I do not want to watch that fade away. I want to keep going!!!

I have started doing the stairs at work again. I did 2 sets of 12 floors today, and plan to do that at least 3 days a week to supplement my formal exercise. And I have started to turn down the treats again. That's a big one because I was very open to them during the holidays. We even had a vendor in today and we all went out for Dim Sum in Chinatown, and I made excellent choices like baby bok choy (oh yum) and sauteed pea pod greens and shrimp and scallops. I passed on the fried and fatty foods, and frankly I did not even miss them. Who knew?

So, hats off to the next chapter in my weight loss journey: The March To Goal. Or should I say The Jog To Goal! Click.

The Sisterhood "Rethink Your Shrink" Monday Project Link Up

2010-01-08T14:21:00.008-06:00

Here we go... whew... this is gonna be a BIG one! First I will tell a bit of "my story", and then I'll post my pictures, and then finally the answers to the questions for this week's project over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.

I was a skinny child, as in seriously skinny like 5' 9" and 98 pounds in 5th grade. Once I stopped growing and reached 6' 0", the weight started coming on. I got to about 180 by the time that I graduated from High School, but I played volleyball throughout those years so I was still fairly fit.

When I went to college, the weight started piling on with all of the late night eating and drinking. During those years I reached 220 and then took it all off with a healthy vegan diet (for 2 1/2 years) and working out at the fieldhouse, and I graduated college weighing about 155 and sporting a bikini during my 3 months in Greece post graduation.

My 20s found me traveling up and down the scale again, until I met my former husband in 1998. I was about 165 when I met him, and he was a smoker so I started smoking and quit exercising (because he always wanted to go out to eat instead, and well, I was game!). We married in 1999 and the unhealthy lifestyle continued.

In December of 1999 I developed an auto-immune disease called Ulcerative Colitis, and I was placed on a corticosteroid called Prednisone. And I did not get off of it for 4 1/2 years during which I was very very sick, but only had to take more and more just to be able to barely function on a daily basis. I developed a secondary disease called Cushing's Disease from the high-dose Prednisone use (around 90 mg per day), and finally had to have my large intestine removed via full abdominal surgery in July of 2004 in order to get off the steroids and try to live a semi-healthy life. Right before I had the surgery, I hit my highest weight of 301.

After the surgery, I knew that I needed another to construct a j-pouch, but my surgeon told me that he would not perform the next surgery until I lost 100 pounds. I weaned off the steroids in September of 2004 and began the process of shedding the weight via Weight Watchers and Curves. By November 2005, I had lost 100 pounds and I had my second surgery in December 2005. After the healing period, I was finally able to enjoy my life again and I watched the scale creep up bit by bit until it was at 265 again. And that was it.

I am now at my high school weight of 180, and I am headed to my college weight of 155. I lost 2 inches from bone deterioration from the steroids, so I am only 5' 10" now (ONLY!). But now, at a packed time in my life while I work full time, commute 2 hours a day, am a single mother to a grade school child, and manage a household with her and 5 cats, I am happier and healthier than I have been in almost 15 years!

There's so much that I have left out, but that gives you a high-level picture of some of my journey. And it is still ongoing.

Before (2004)

Current (2009)

What about 2009 (and beyond) did not work? I did not reach my goal weight as planned. As I developed a fuller social life, I spent more time eating and drinking in a manner that defeated my weight loss efforts on the other days.

What were my goals? 1) Reach my goal weight. 2) Improve my mile time. 3) Run a half-marathon.

Did I fall short of achieving them? 1) Yes. 2) No. 3) Yes.

If so, why? 1) Lack of focus on following my food plan/eating and drinking moderately when out socially. 2) N/A as I achieved the goal. 3) Did not train for it.

What were my biggest obstacles? Poor eating and drinking choices when socializing. Occasional binge eating episodes. Lack of commitment to a half marathon training program.

What were my patterns? I often found myself hitting a new low in my weight and then rebounding by gaining back a few pounds, only to buckle down for a couple of weeks to reach another low and then repeat the pattern over and over. I would be on plan all week, and then blow away any progress made by overeating and overdrinking at weekend events.

What was my (most recent) “rock bottom” moment? I met a man who awakened a desire inside of me to be in a relationship again, but realized that there was NO WAY that I would enter into a relationship at my weight and with the body I had at the time. It made me want to make the change for good because I realized how much my weight was holding me back from living my life. Previously, I had lost 100 pounds but then gained back 65 of them as I slacked off on my healthy habits, so I decided to make the necessary changes to re-lose the weight and proceed on to my goal.

What are my bad habits? Binge eating. Not sticking to my exercise plan in the cold and dark months. Too much eating and drinking at social activites.

Take a look at 2009 and beyond and think about what did work. Because you don’t want to fix what ain’t broke. If something worked for you, if you felt progress somewhere, found successes, (because along the journey there are a million tiny victories, many of them non-scale related!), what were those?
All of your victories are a very big deal! Give yourself a high five, out loud, to everyone! I lost 45 pounds in 2009! I entered one-derland again. I improved my 5K time from 44 minutes to 35 minutes. I ran four 5K races. I took Zumba and yoga classes. I was able to buckle down during the week and achieve my food and exercise goals. I was more active in general and did more fun activities with my daughter.

I Got My Boots On

2010-01-08T13:38:00.004-06:00

As I enter my third year taking public transportation to and from my job, I finally decided that I refuse to freeze anymore as I wait on the train platform in the wintertime. Seriously, it took me THAT long to figure this out?!?

After getting an unexpected end of year bonus from work, I decided to treat myself to the coat and boots that I *really* wanted but have been too strapped to buy:

The North Face Metropolis Parka

Ugg Ultra Tall Boots

The coat arrived on Wednesday night, so I got to try it out yesterday. At first I thought "Hmm, it is better than my old coat, but is it really all that warm?", and then when I took it off at work I realized that I was FREEZING without it and that, yes, it really WAS that warm!

The boots arrived today, so I will try them out later when I go to pick up the child. I need to waterproof them, so I will be doing that this weekend and need to be a bit careful running through the snow until then.

One interesting thing is that they recommend wearing the boots WITHOUT socks. I do not know if I am quite there yet because it just seems like they would get stinky, but I will wear them with my new Smart Wool socks. I also have a very warm hat and good mittens, so I feel like I am finally prepared to face this fierce Chicago winter! Especially since it is supposed to be in the single digits all weekend....

New Year, New Challenge

2010-01-06T21:26:00.003-06:00

Welcome to 2010! I am doing my best to make it a fantastic year. including squashing the urge to binge eat and power feed tonight after a very tough day at work. Hey... it's something!

Friday is the start of the Weight Off at work. I am not sure where I am weight-wise right now because I had a horrible holiday season in terms of my intake, and have really only been back on plan since Sunday. I will weigh in myself at home on Friday morning so that I know where I start when the competition begins and ends and can assure myself that I have contributed to the success of my team since our weigh-in at work is all at once as a team. I want to WIN, dammit! It looks like the pot may be $1000, and I just know that $250 of that has my name on it!

My exercise habits have been crap lately. I struggled with all of the extra activities during the holidays, and now I find myself tired and cold and just not getting my ass to the gym as needed. Hopefully this challenge will be the swift kick that I need right now. The good news is that I am doing the stairs at work. Did them twice today, actually. There is another wellness challenge at work that involves climbing the 12 floors of stairs. If you hit various targets in the month of January like climbing them 10 times, 15 times or 20 times during the month, you get entered into a raffle at the appropriate level for a prize. More than anything, though, it is getting many of us to get up out of our desk chairs and do something physical (and quite challenging, actually).

And finally it is photo time!!! Now that my holiday cards are out, I have included one of the photos from my fall photo shoot with the child. This is one of my favorites, and I keep an 8 x 10 of it on my desk at work to remind me of what I am working for every day. Life is good. :-)

Ringing Out The Old In 2009

2009-12-31T16:33:00.002-06:00

I saw this on The Daily Mel blog, and thought it would be a fun way to ring out 2009!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Went to a July gathering of people that I knew from an online message board but had never met in real life. And it was a blast! I have seen several of them a few times since, and hope to see them even more in 2010.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't have any specific resolutions (did I?), but I have lost 45 pounds since I rang in 2009 so I consider it a success in terms of my biggest goal. I also kept up with my running and significantly improved my mile time, so I am pleased!

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?

With my daughter, my mother, and our friend Jan at my house. We will stay up until midnight, do our 2010 prosperity "rituals", and then head right to bed!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A co-worker and a relative by marriage from my father's remarriage, but I was not close to either one of them except by proximity.

5. What countries did you visit?

The good old US of A!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A romantic relationship.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

December 9th - My 40th birthday!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Making great new friends and creating a new social life for myself.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not saving as much money as I could have to offset future raining days.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had the stomach flu in February, and then had a three week long cold in November/December.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new wardrobe to fit my smaller figure.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage and childcare costs.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?

There is no single song that comes to mind for me.

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Enjoying quality time with my daughter and my family.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wasting time on the computer.

16. What was your favorite TV program?

Two: The Biggest Loser and Top Chef.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. Not really into hating. But I have had some major disappointments.

18. What was the best book you read?

The Time Traveler's Wife.

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Again, no big musical revelations this year that come to mind.

20. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Hangover and Inglourious Basterds. Anitchrist was the most shocking.

21. What did you do on your birthday?

Worked and went to Chinatown for dinner with vendors from Taiwan.

22. What kept you sane?

Exercise.

23. Who did you miss?

I missed having a partner.

24. Who was the best new person you met?

Too many to name, but there are two special ones here and several from other states! It was a great year for new friends.

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

That you have to both enjoy yourself and challenge yourself in order to feel peaceful.

Here's to a fantastic 2010!

Sign Me Up!

2009-12-29T20:04:00.002-06:00

I have been playing around with the same 4 pounds for awhile now. My own fault for letting my focus slip over the past couple of months, so this is not a guilt-ridden post. I have been enjoying myself, sometimes a bit too much in the food and drink department, but such is life!

The week before (and including) Christmas was an out of control pig-fest of food and alcohol. I had a great time, in oh so many ways, but by December 26th I WAS DONE. Like "stick a fork in me, I'm done" done. So I started counting points again and went back to the gym. It was actually a relief. I now have 4 solidly on-plan days under my belt along with three hour-long workouts, so everything is moving along smoothly.

But it is time to really kick my weight loss into high gear again to reach my goal in 2010, so I signed up for The Weight Off at work. Basically, we are forming as many teams of 4 as there are interested people, and each team must have at least one female on it. We have our first weigh-in on 1/8/2010, a second one four weeks later, and then a final one eight weeks after that, for a total of 12 weeks of weight loss competition. Each team member pays $25.00, and the team that loses the biggest percentage of weight gets the entire pot to split evenly between the four members. Last time the pot was $1200, so this can be some good money!

I was put together with 3 people in different areas of the company because I could not find a team of 4 in my department willing to sign up. This is actually good in a way because it makes me feel more committed because I do not want to slack off and make them lose their investment and a shot at the pot.

I plan to keep myself on plan until 1/8, but then I am going to kick it into high gear. Hopefully these upcoming 12 weeks will find me close to goal, which would make me so very happy!

Three Weeks of Illness

2009-12-19T15:13:00.002-06:00

I have been sick for almost three weeks in a row with no break. I first got sick on November 30th, had my second wave hit on December 4th, and the third (and hopefully final) wave take me down on December 14th. Since it was in my nose and lungs, and I barely had enough energy to drag myself through each work day when I was not home with a fever, I have not exercised since November 26th.

Three weeks to the day since my last run, my last any type of workout. That's the longest I have gone since July 2008. It really threw me for a loop and shook my roots. I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt so sick, so I was comfort eating. And I was feeling guilty that I was not working out, so I was comfort eating. All of this comfort eating was a waster because 1) it did not make me well and 2) it didn't make up for my lack of physical activity.

After my last birthday celebration on December 13th, I pulled it together and got back on plan. Last Friday I weighed in and was actually down 0.4 from my most recent low weight, and that was very empowering... but still no exercise.

I was actually feeling nervous about going. Would I be able to do much after three weeks of poor lung health, and three weeks off in general? Would I become discouraged in having to start back at a reduced level than I had been at before? Would that throw me mentally off track again?

This morning I went to the gym with a friend. Thank goodness he came to town and wanted to go to the gym because I felt much less nervous about my return to the gym with a friend by my side. My mile time was off about a minute per mile, but I was able to complete 2.3 miles on the track and then 30 minutes on the elliptical. I'm proud of that.

It took a lot out of me, and I am actually about to lay down for a nap now to recoup some energy, but I am glad that I plowed through my overblown fears and got back to it. I plan to hit the gym again tomorrow, although maybe not quite as hard since I am still not at 100% health yet, but it is good to be back!

40 It Is!

2009-12-09T06:47:00.003-06:00

It's my 40th birthday today, and I embrace it!
I plan to make this decade the best one of my life so far.
Hello Fabulous Forties!

And thanks, Mom, for the pain you were enduring 40 years ago at this time! And for being there for me in the forty years to follow.

1 Week and Counting Until the Big 4-0

2009-12-02T19:48:00.002-06:00

That's right, I have only one week until I turn forty. Where have the years gone?

I ordered myself a birthday present on Black Friday after I used a bosu ball with my friend at her gym:

Bosu 3D System

It arrived today, and I am excited to try the workouts that came with it! Right now that would mean kicking my daughter off of it because she thinks it is the coolest thing ever!

I'll give a review in a few weeks after I have had some time to play around with it and give it a real workout.

Happy Thanksgiving & An EP Turkey Trot 5K Recap

2009-11-26T11:12:00.003-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!!!

I have so much to be thankful for this year. My health, the health of my loved ones, my family, great friends (both old and new), my wonderful job, our lovely home, time to myself, 50 fewer pounds... I could keep going, but I think you get my point. It had been a blessed year, and I am truly thankful!

Today I am overbooked, which is a blessing in and of itself. I will be going to two different places for Thanksgiving, so I have to pace myself with all the food! Then I am spending the night at my friend's house and we are making an early morning visit to the gym to burn some of it off.

This morning I ran my second annual EP Turkey Trot 5K race, and I had another PR. I also ran it 7 minutes and 10 seconds faster than last year, and that is something to cheer about! It was a very cold and raining morning, but we were lucky enough to have the rain hold off during the race itself, and I was not cold with all the exertion so no problem there.

I ran the race by myself last year, but this year I had two friends come and run it with me. We had dramatically different paces, so we did not truly run together, but it was nice to have friends with me!

I hope that you all have a wonderful day with your friends and family, and that you spend your weekend as you like whether that is shopping, relaxing, or visiting with family and friends.

Coasting

2009-11-22T10:48:00.003-06:00

The past couple of months have brought little on the weight loss front. Maybe 2 pounds, if that. I was really framing this the wrong way until it hit me yesterday that I have basically maintained my weight for several months, and that it is actually a great achievement.

I have spent my adult life in only one of two modes: Weight Loss Mode or Weight Gain Mode. Either I was following my plan and getting the high of losing weight and changing my body, or I was tossing everything healthy out the window and strapping on the high cal feed bag. In all honesty, there has been no middle ground.

These past few months have been a mini-cycle of gain a few and then lose a few. It seems really frustrating, but when I really think about it this is probably going to be my real life pattern once I hit my goal. Events will come along, bad days will happen, and then I will have to get a little strict with myself and get back to my happy weight place. So this has been really good practice because that is what I have been doing. I have had several big weekends or events and have even been up 5 pounds at one point, but then I went back to basics and took them off again in a healthy way.

I was hoping to be at my WW goal weight (which is about 10 pounds higher than my current personal goal weight) by the time the big 4-0 came around in December, but it is not going to happen. And I am okay with this because, honestly, I can live with being 8 pounds away from that. It is a lot closer than I would ever have believed a couple of years ago. I am not going to link that goal weight to start of 2010, either, because I expect that I will continue to be in maintain mode over the holidays. But next year is my year to meet my goals, and that is certainly something to smile about. It is now within reach!

Photo Opportunity

2009-11-20T20:14:00.004-06:00

I don't know about you, but I have always hated the camera. I don't like to look at pictures of myself because all I see is what is wrong with me in the photo. Of course, there have been a handful of pictures that I have liked throughout the years, but not enough to make me comfortable in front of a camera.

My daughter is now 7 years old. When I look through pictures of me at that age, I see so many of me alone, my brother and me, my father and me, and even my father and brother and me. I do not see very many of my mother, either with me, with anyone else, or alone. My mother hated the camera, and refused to have her picture taken except under great duress.

There are so few pictures of my daughter and me together. She will have the same experience looking back on her life that I have looking back on mine. And frankly, that is sad. Sad enough that I scheduled a photo session for us to have our first photos taken together.

That session was scheduled for last Saturday. I spent many a night before it researching what to wear to look best in photos and how to apply makeup for photos, and I made sure that all of our clothes were ready well ahead of time. I was seriously nervous.

I asked my mother to join us for some three generation shots... and she consented. So when the big day came, I prayed for nice weather so that we could go outside and take the shots as I pictured in my mind. And we did indeed have beautiful weather! So we went outside to the forest surrounding my house, and we took about 220 pictures. The hour went by quickly, and then it was just a wait to see the proofs online which were supposed to be posted Monday or Tuesday.

As the days passed by and our photos did not find their way up to the site, I became increasingly nervous. My mind was twisting with thoughts that the pictures were terrible and the photographer needed to do extra work to make some of them look okay. Monday... Tuesday... Wednesday morning came and went, so I wrote to the photographer just to make sure that I was looking in the right place. At noon on Wednesday, they showed up for viewing. And I was more nervous than ever.

Suffice it to say that there are some beautiful shots. Of the 220 photos, I placed almost half in my Favorites link on her site. I cannot stop looking at them because I see the love between us, our smiling faces, and happiness.

I never would have done this last year. Losing the weight gave me confidence and made me open to taking these photos with my daughter and my mother. We have some photos that will only become more precious as the years pass and the events that befall us all come to pass. And I hope that this is just the start of photo sessions to come so that my daughter does not find herself upset by the fact that she has no pictures of herself as a child with her mother when she is 30 years older than she is today.

Total NSV.

The Low Down On My Weigh In

2009-11-09T20:57:00.003-06:00

Drumroll, please......

I was down 6.6 pounds at the week's WW at Work weigh in!

That's the good news. The reality of that is that I had put on several pounds these past few weeks, so I am actually down 1.4 pounds from my low weight, and the other 5.2 was "fluff removal" from bad choices in October.

Either way, I'll take it! Onward and downward on the scale I go!

What a Weekend!

2009-11-08T21:41:00.003-06:00

Chicago had a warm and sunny weekend after a summer and fall of relative cold weather. It's amazing what a couple of 70 degree days can do for the spirit!

I usually attend a 60 minute Zumba class on Saturday morning, but this Saturday I decided to skip the indoor class and take my workout outside to enjoy what may be one of the last beautiful Saturdays before winter descends upon our fair city. I strapped on my iPod, Garmin 405, and heart rate monitor and hit the sidestreets of this beautiful tree city. The songs that were popping up on shuffle seemed perfect in the filtered sunlight and breeze: Fields of Gold, Blow Away, and other less pounding music. I had no real time or agenda in mind, and decided to just slow down my pace and make it a long run.

Five miles and an hour later, I made my way back to my mom's door (I usually do my outdoor runs in her neighborhood because she will watch my daughter for me), and she was waiting outside all worried because I was gone for so long! But it was a wonderful run, and it left me itching for another one.

Saturday night I went into the city for coffee, a movie, and dinner (in that order). I am working really hard to break the self-imposed poor eating habits plateau that I have been on since Sepetember, so I was determined to choose wisely. After a beautiful evening wandering the city streets, I had a healthy and delicious meal of apple salad with celery root, pumpkin seeds, and shaved aged gouda, red squash with burrata cheese and apple balsamic, and brussel sprouts and chestnuts in a balsamic reduction. It was delicious, and I enjoyed every bite!

Sunday was another gorgeous day, and I worked hard to fit in another run. Since I had done a long one yesterday, I chose a 3 mile path that took me just over thirty minutes.

All of these things set me up for an evening of cooking and food prep for this week. I made spinach pie, which should cover me for three lunches this week, cut up cucumbers and peppers, and packed daily servings of sugar snap peas to reduce the morning rush to get food ready for work each day.

Tomorrow I have my Weight Watchers at Work meeting, and I expect a nice loss. I bet it would have been better had AF not shown up a bit early, but a loss is a loss and I want to be back on that path.

I am off to bed now so that I can get up a bit earlier than my usual 5:30 a.m. in order to get in a weight workout before heading off to work for the day. Here's to a great week!

Trick or Treat Trot 5K

2009-10-27T12:33:00.007-05:00

I ran a 5K last weekend, but did not do it for time as I did not run at my pace. Instead, I ran it with a friend who recently finished the Couch to 5K program and came to Chicago to run her first 5K with me. What an honor! We had a great group of friends come to town for the event, and it was the best race that I have attended! The weather held for us, too. Despite a gloomy forecast there was no rain. It was a bit cooler and windy, but a beautiful day overall by the lakefront. There were many people in costume, and it was a blast to watch them go!

Running this race taught me a huge lesson about running slower than my normal pace. It seems that I always push myself to run as fast as I can, and I have problems backing off my pace for any significant amount of time. Thus my long run days are really never long runs. By running this race at a pace almost 5 minutes longer per mile than my normal pace I realized that I could have kept going and going and going even when we completed the race. It gave me incentive to do some longer runs at a slower pace and improve my distance base. Yes, I have read about it a million times... but only by actually trying it did I find out that it works for me, too (DUH).

This fall has been crazy, but in a good way. I have had every non-work day packed with activities, and my daughter and I have had so much fun apple picking, making scarecrows, carving pumpkins, decorating the house for Halloween, roller skating, and going to parties that I feel like I missed October altogether!

My weight loss has been pretty stalled because I have been indulging at all of these events, both food-wise and in terms of adult beverages (and then with more food!). But I am okay with the (relative) maintain that I experienced, and feel that I am getting back on track now. I see good things coming this holiday season!

Cooking Up a Storm

2009-10-05T20:55:00.003-05:00

The spirit moved me, and I have been cooking up a produce storm these last two weeks! I found an inexpensive store with a wide variety of fresh produce, and I was inspired!

So far I have made:

Swiss chard with tamari, garlic, and olive oil
Roasted beets with balsamic vinegar and olive oil (complete with the beet greens tossed in)
Slow baked sweet potatoes
Greek style green beans
Sauteed zucchini with garlic
Steamed asparagus with lemon juice
Crustless spinach pie (recipe to follow)

And these new items are on deck for this week:

Dandelion greens
Mustard greens
Collard Greens

I am also making the beets, zucchini, and crustless spinach pie for a second week in a row.

I have to say that I am in love with The World's Healthiest Foods by George Mateljan, and have used it as a reference to find different ways to cook the produce. I want to work my way through the book! The recipes are very simple and very quick, and that is about my speed right now.

I also dug out some of my old Core recipes, and have found this one to be a current favorites:

Crustless Spinach Pie
Servings: 4
Pts. per Serving: 2

Ingredients
10 oz chopped frozen spinach
1/2 medium onion
2 garlic cloves
1 tsp olive oil
1 cup(s) fat-free cottage cheese
6 oz crumbled feta, fat free plain
3/4 cup egg substitute
Pepper to taste

Instructions
Defrost and squeeze water from the spinach. Saute onion and garlic in the oil until soft, and let it cool. Then mix it all together, put the mixture in a pie plate sprayed with Pam (or equivalent), and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees.

Now that I am down to 23 points a day (I know, I know... that is probably A LOT compared to some of you!), I am on the hunt for low point meatless meals. If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them!

Back to the kitchen for another round of meal making!

PR Charity Classic 5K Recap

2009-09-26T11:06:00.002-05:00

Despite being sick for the better part of the week, I decided that I was in good enough shape to run the PR Charity Classic 5K race this morning. I am glad that I made that choice. :-)

It was a smaller race, with maybe 350 to 375 runners. No strollers, dogs, scooters, roller blades, or young children allowed (THANK GOODNESS!!!!), so it was a very enjoyable course. The rain held off, but it was a bit humid out so I should have skipped the long sleeve pull-over because I was too hot.

Nonetheless, I ran it at a pretty consistent pace and finished with a PR time which made me very happy. Afterward, I stopped by my friends at the tea shop for some iced herbal tea... and then I headed to a 60 minute Zumba class.

Yes, you read that correctly. I went from a 5K race to an hour long fitness class. By choice.

About 10 minutes in Zumba, I started to think that it might not be a good idea. I was tired and my feet were not responding as usual. But there was NO WAY that I was going to walk out of the class before it was over so I stuck it out and just did what I could.

Altogether, the calorie burn for the two activites was 975 calroies per my GoWear fit... wowza!!! That was worth it! And I really needed the boost that it gave me because I have not been to the gym since last Saturday because I was not feeling well, and I was starting to get that guilty mentality where it is hard to get back on track. Not anymore, though, because if I can do this then I'm back, Baby!

Ups and Downs

2009-09-24T22:18:00.002-05:00

September has flown by so quickly that even my seven year old cannot believe it will be October next week. It seems like the years go by so much faster now that she is in school.

It has been a pretty good month. I am 10 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal, and about 19 pounds from my personal goal. This last week has been a bit off because I have been sick, but I will get back on my feet and keep plugging away. I would like to be at my Weight Watchers goal before I hit the big 4-0 in December (and how did THAT happen, because in my mind I am still 28!).

I have been getting a lot more attention lately from the men, which has been both fun and a bit annoying. Last weekend I was asked out on the train as I stood with my nose in my book (annoying), let in without having to pay cover charge at a club by the doorman (fun), and inquired about by someone that I met out with friends (very flattering). But the honest truth is that I am still not feeling like I am ready for a relationship, so I view these things with detachment. Either that or I have not met the right person that will make me want to make the leap (uh... at least I have not met one that is actually available).

I went on a big shopping trip last weekend and am now emptying my closet of old clothes. I am now wearing Medium and Large tops, so I am getting rid of all of the bigger ones. I am also getting rid of any pants larger than a Size 12 because they are just plain too big. But I find that it is a bit tough for me to let go of some of the old clothing because I really like the clothes... and also because they made me feel nice when I was at a higher weight. I have some weird sentimental attachment to the items, but when I put them on I look downright dumpy. I think it is just a matter of letting my mind catch up with the changes in my body, and also gaining some confidence that I am not going to put the weight back on AGAIN.

On the positive side, my company started a wellness initiative which includes 1) trying to get a Weight Watchers at Work group going and 2) creating a Walking Club that meets Tuesdays and Thursdays at lunch to walk a brisk mile. I have signed up for both. We are not sure if we will have enough people sign up for WeWa, and will find out at the preliminary meeting on Monday. I am really hoping that there are enough because I would like to start attending meetings again, but I do not have the time to go to the only ones close to my house in the evenings.

Other than that, things have been status quo. I have added a Wednesday night Zumba class to my weekly schedule and, although I usually feel like I am too tired to do it, I always have a great time. And my daughter has enjoyed having a babysitter for the first time that she can remember (the last time she had one she was 2 years old!).

I am getting a bit nervous about the approaching holidays, but plan to take it a meal at a time and to reign in my indulgences. I gained a few over the holidays last year and am prepared for that again, but I want to keep it minimal if not maintain. It's a lofty goal for me with all of the temptations, but it is doable.

"She's Got Big Pants!!!!"

2009-09-07T08:14:00.002-05:00

What a weekend so far! We have had a great one with social activities every day, and now the last day is upon us (sniff, sniff).

On Saturday, we went to our friends' house for dinner and s'mores around the fire pit in the backyard. The family has two girls that my daughter has known for a few years, and they currently attend an after-school care program together. Once we arrived, the kids were off to play and the moms were off to talking!

At one point, the girls decided that it would be fun to fill their clothes and hair with sand. MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SAND. When my blond child with hair down to her waist showed up with sand encrusted in her braid, we decided to strip all three children down in the backyard, shake off the sand, and then give then showers. They loved it... three girls in a shower!

As they were getting their clothes on, I stayed back to clean up the bathroom a bit after the explosion of children. While I was bending over, one of the little girls came in pointed at me and laughed, and then told her sister that she had to come in and see me because I had "big pants". I looked at my pants and thought they must be saying something about me being large, so I asked their mom what they meant and she told me that I needed new (smaller) jeans because I had droopy drawers! And here I was, flipping into fat-girl mentality and thinking that it was an insult about my size!

So yesterday we went to the store and I bought myself some new jeans. Some SIZE 10 JEANS!!!! Woo-hoo! And I wore them for the first time last night. :-)

Have a wonderful Labor Day!!!

NSV

2009-09-02T21:29:00.003-05:00

Today I had a major NSV (non-scale victory, for those who are not familiar with the acronym). We had an off-site departmental outing for work, and thus I had no confirmed transportation to the train station because I usually take a shuttle provided by my company after work. I figured that I would take a cab because one of my more city-savvy coworkers had told me that the location was too far from the train station to walk.

About midway through the event, I started talking to some of the other commuters in our department and one of the men told me that he was going to walk to the station. He said that it was a 2 mile walk, and I said count me in!

In the end, three of us walked to the train. We did the 2 miles in about 35 minutes, which is pretty good considering that we walked through the heart of downtown Chicago, stoplights and all. And, frankly, it was a breeze for me! I actually thought it was kind of a "short" walk, and I didn't even get winded or log any Vigorous activity minutes on my GoWear Fit! And I did it all in my sandals without thinking twice.

What that tells me is that the running that I have been doing for the part year has really paid off in terms of my fitness level. Last summer I would not have chosen to walk the 2 miles because it would have seemed SO FAR, but now that I run that distance a few times a week it felt like a stroll thorough the city... which it was!

Things like this highlight the unmeasurable differences in my life, the decisions like this that I make on a daily basis that reflect my improved health and my increased endurance. Frankly, I didn't even consider this an NSV until I reflected on the day and realized that I chose to walk 2 miles to the train station as just a normal part of my day!

Keep Breathing

2009-09-01T21:20:00.002-05:00

Last week was a bad week. A very bad week. I experienced an issue with my j-pouch that scared the hell out of me, and thus I skipped exercise for a week. I also pulled away from fibrous foods and dove headfirst into comfort foods.

After eating an entire small deep dish pizza for dinner on Sunday, I finally put my foot down and ended the madness. I know where those behaviors will take me, and I do not want to go back there again.

So I made sure that I had plenty of fruits and veggies on hand, and now I have two days of healthy choices under my belt. I went to the gym tonight and had a great workout, and I am feeling back on track.

The health thing really threw me for a loop. Since I recovered from my last large intestine removal/j-pouch creation surgery in December 2005, I have been very lucky with my health. This was a huge flashback to my sick years with Ulcerative Colitis, and it freaked me out. But my reaction was extreme and unnecessary and actually made things worse because eating all of the refined flour and sugar that passed my lips last week left me with gastrointestinal distress of another kind. Adding insult to injury, frankly.

The upside of this experience is that I can feel back on track as quickly as I can feel out of control. One bad day can make me feel out of control, but one good day can start me back down the path of healthy choices. Again, it is my lesson of minimizing the damage and getting back on track as soon as possible. Once I had one good day completed, I was able to take a step back and realize that one bad week is not the end of the world. One week without exercise will not undo all of the hard work that I have put into my fitness for the last 14 months. And in a couple of weeks, if I stick to my plan, I will be back on the road to my weight loss goal and this will have been but a blip in the screen.

HYC Update

2009-08-24T20:12:00.001-05:00

Last week was a good one! Excellent weigh-in, several trips to the gym, and healthy food choices. I call that a success. :-)

Tonight I am struggling, though. I have been trolling the cabinets, poised for a binge. Chocolate is on my mind. But instead of giving in, I am fighting.

Let's hope I win the battle AND the war.

A High... and Then Slacking

2009-08-22T11:55:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure what it is... complacency, a bit of freedom after so much control, a celebration... but I notice that I sometimes let things slip after a win.

Yesterday I was down 4.4 pounds at my weigh in (YEA!!!!!) and was on Cloud 9 all day long. I went out to dinner and a movie, and ordered a sensible meal. But the portion was huge, and yet I proceeded to eat it all. This morning I was planning to go to Zumba class, but woke up with a bit of a headache from the wine at dinner and the late night, so I skipped class. It is like I allowed myself to slack off a bit because I had a good weigh in yesterday... which will not bode well for my weigh in this week if I do not pull back on the reins.

So I have put on my gym clothes and now plan to hit the gym to make up for the 500 calories that I didn't burn in Zumba class this morning. What I *really* want to do is take a nap, but I'll just go to bed at 8:00 p.m. with my daughter tonight instead. I need to make sure that my routine doesn't slip too much on the days when it can be done because I know that fall is almost upon us... and then come the holidays. And that time of year always draws me away from my routine and into a world of indulgence!

I have been on a downward trend with my weight for 14 months now, and the biggest thing that I have learned is that I still have to consciously choose to live healthfully every day. It is second nature to some degree because it is more of a habit now, but it is still not easy and it probably never will be.

But it IS worth it. I will be buying size 10 jeans during my next shopping outing, and it has been well over a decade since I did that. So even though I still struggle, and even though I wish I did not have to wage war on unhealthy habits every single day, I sure do like the results of my efforts.

Differences

2009-08-18T22:03:00.003-05:00

I have some hard realities to face as I near my goal weight. The old body ain't what it used to be, folks.

When I was at this weight before (about 10 or 11 years ago), I still wanted to lose about 30 pounds off of my 5' 10" body, but I was comfortable enough with my figure to get naked with my boyfriend. But now, after having lost and gained and lost a large amount again, my body fat percentage is so much higher and my shape looks very different. It is hard to look in the mirror naked and not be freaked out!

So now my focus has changed. It is no longer to lose weight so that the scale reads a certain number or to wear a specific size of clothes, but instead I am focusing on losing body fat and gaining muscle. I am going for the "look okay naked" goal, and this is new for me because I have never specifically focused on changing my fat to lean ratio.

I dream of a tummy tuck, but I really want to wait until I have made my body look as good as can be without surgery... and then maintain that body for awhile... before I go for a visit with my surgeon. Since I also have a hernia that needs repair, I hope to combine these two procedures into one.

I guess I always thought that it was just a matter of losing weight, and that the rest would follow and I would feel great about myself. But since I have been on this weight loss roller coaster for so long, and so many times, my body has undergone some dramatic (and undesirable) composition changes. I wish I could urge every person who needs to lose weight to avoid the yo-yo dieting that I have experienced because now I am staring the ramifications right in the face whenever I see myself without my clothes on.

The silver lining in all of this is that I spend 98% of my day in clothes, and I look a hell of a lot better in them than I did this time last year! No one besides my daughter sees me naked, so all of this is my private shame and disappointment. But it sure makes me think twice about starting to date again!

Work In Progress

Re-Run Time

Peek-A-Boo

On The Scale Again

Old Habits Are Hard To Break

Knock on Wood

A Heart Full of Hope

Just One Thing - Day 2

Just One Thing - Day 1

Just One Thing

Sign Me Up!

Fresh Start

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

-Mary Pickford

Stick A Fork In Me

Cleared for Exercise!

15 Years Later... Dating Still Sucks

Return To Me

Expect the Unexpected

Luck o' the Irish - St. Patrick's Day 2011

Beer

Adventures in Dating - Part 1

Moving On

Weekly Weigh-In

Suckfest 2011

I'm Still Alive

See You On The Other Side Of This

Weekly Weigh In

The Countdown is On

Normal

1/1/11

Counting Down the Hours

Simple

The Dress

Post-Disney Weekly Weigh-In

How Long Does It Take?

And I'm Back

I'm Not Ready!!!

First Points Plus Weekly Weigh In

Brief Updates

Both Sad & Happy

Thanksgiving Photos

Post-Thanksgiving Weigh-In

Turkey Trot 5K - 2010

Thought for the Day

Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?

- Caroline Myss

Sneak Peek

Happiness and Authenticity

Weekly Weigh In Results

And Then One Day You Realize

Weekly Weigh In

Find Your Way Back

It's Been Awhile

Last Night to Win Some Rocco

Checking In

Starting Monday

Eating Clean

It's A Beautiful Day!

Personal Training Session - TAKE 2

Week 1 Results

He Hurt Me!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Snack

Making A Healthy Choice After a Stressful Morning

New Month, Fresh Start

It's Been One Week

Scared Straight

Not So Much

Anelise's Run 5K Race Report

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, a 5K Tomorrow

Time To Face The Music

Door County Half Marathon Race Report

Last Run Before The Half

Half Marathon Home Stretch

Alcohol Abstinence April

Half Marathon Training and "The Blues"